I haven't posted anything in almost two months and here's why: In May I experienced a devastating personal tragedy. It is the most difficult and painful loss I've ever dealt with and as a result I have had and continue to struggle with insomnia, nausea, loss of appetite, and I currently weigh only 94 lbs. The last time I weighed 94 lbs I was about 12 years old and several inches shorter. Grief is such a strange emotion to manifest itself in physical way; I have a new appreciation for those Victorian novels always talking about people who wasted away in their grief.
Needless to say, I haven't done any shopping in a while. To be honest, I haven't even looked at any shops either online or brick and mortar. And though I did have a number of pretty dresses on the way when the news hit, I haven't worn any of them, let alone thought of blogging about them. It's not just that none of my clothes fit right now. It's not just that I am truly shocked and even horrified at times by my gaunt reflection and sagging skin. It's also that I have simply lost interest in all those things that used to bring so much enjoyment, and fashion, photography, and blogging are among them.
I am low, the lowest I've ever been, but I'm not defeated. I'm seeking help from God, counselors, and a nutritionist, but I have a long road ahead of me. I know that part of that road will be returning to those things I used to enjoy so much. I'm nearly there mentally, but not physically. I would like to gain at least ten pounds before stepping in front of the camera again and 15 pounds would be ideal. I'm trying.
For the first time in my adult life I have been broken enough to sob the phrase, "I want my mom," and she is on the way. I'm hoping that with a few weeks of her perfect hugs (not too hard, but not wimpy. I hate wimpy hugs), her spiritual and emotional encouragement, and her fantastic cooking, that the emotional burden will be lighter and I'll be a few pounds heavier.
In August I'll be celebrating a milestone birthday and I hope by then to be back to blogging and on my way back to a healthy weight. In the mean time here are a few pics from a walk up to a little old temple hidden in the woods nearby. It was beautiful and peaceful and though it was months ago, it was the last time I picked up my camera.
