Fashion is a Journey, Not a Destination

The only thing that never changes, is that life is always changing.  Most of the time I embrace or at the very least accept change, but that doesn't mean it's without its challenges.  Ever since beginning a new job last year, I haven't really felt at home.  I was at my previous employment for seven years.  I knew my job inside and out and I knew my role within that sphere inside and out as well.  Being at a new job, in a new field, everything so different and I showed up being the same old me; I have felt completely lost and out of place, but not necessarily unhappy.

After a year, I can say that I feel more confident than I did on day one.  However, I still have a lot to learn and still have to ask a lot of questions, which isn't easy for me, but I'd rather humble myself a little and ask a question than have the complete humiliation of totally screwing up.  Another thing about this new job is that my previous way of dressing (vintage styles and whimsical novelty prints) which was celebrated and praised at my previous employment, is totally inappropriate for the work I do now, like wearing a clown suit to a mortuary.  Even though I love everything in my closet, nothing seems quite right, nothing makes me feel confident, or even like myself.  Things needed to change; it's time.  But, change is never easy even when it's necessary.

So, I've been on the hunt for something different than what I've been doing with my style for the past 15 years or so.  Do I think it's still reflective of who I am?  In a way, yes.  But, now there's this other aspect to my life and that has to be represented too, and I would like for it to be represented in a way that is still me, if any of that makes sense.  After all these months of searching, I think I have found what I'm looking for in Son de Flor.  A company committed to sustainability, beauty, comfort, and quality.  On those mornings, when I am struggling and stressing, I put on this dress and I feel like me again.

Fashion is a journey after all, not a destination.  Our style changes right along with us and that's part of the beauty of it all.  From the very first Son de Flor dress, it was true love, so I will be devoting several posts to my ongoing love affair with this brand, for helping me feel at home in my own life again.

Outfit Info:  Mini Classic Dress in Brown Tartan-$269  from Son de Flor.  Use this link to save 10% off your first purchase.   Bag is from EcoSusi, Sweater is old from YeMAK

Mindfulism = A Seasonal Wardrobe

It began as a typical Sunday morning.  We slept in late, and then Mr. B decided to make French Toast for breakfast.  After some time eating and chatting, we went our separate ways to begin the day.  Then the electricity went out.  We waited a few minutes for it to come back on, but it didn't.  Since most of my plans involved electricity for vacuuming, sewing, or blogging, I had to think of something else to make sure I had a productive day off.  I suddenly realized that we were over half way through autumn and I hadn't put away any of my summer things and had really only brought out a few fall items.  Well, taking down/putting away clothes and getting out/hanging up others is something I don't need electricity for, so I set to work.  I suddenly realized that I hadn't really been keeping up with my Changing of the Garb challenge that I set myself last year, so I thought we would revisit it in this post.  

I've been watching a lot of minimalism videos to help me through my No-Spending Challenge and there is something I have noticed.  Minimalist wardrobes: some of them are stylish, but all of them are super boring.  Yes, it's easy to decide what to wear when you only have 5 things in your closet and they're all beige or white, but seriously, does that bring you joy?  If it does then keep it up and I really don't care, but it wouldn't work for me at all.  I need colors, I need options and I need more than just 5 things in my closet unless it's a survival situation.  And even then,  I might have my leaf dress for summer and a nice deer skin for autumn.  I kid of course, but it does  nicely segue way into the topic of this post.  Mindfulism means having a seasonal wardrobe on rotation.  

Unlike Minimalism in which you have only a few pieces of clothing and then layer or de-layer depending on the season, and unlike Maximalism in which you just have all your stuff all the time and more affluent maximalists even have entire rooms devoted to their wardrobes, Mindfulism means having a selection of pieces that you rotate out every few months as I have just done on this rustic, electricity free Sunday morning and just in time for the spring season.  

I believe it was last year that I began a little experiment which I called "The Changing of the Garb."  I decided that for a whole year I would rotate my wardrobe every three months in order to get the most wear out of everything.  How did it turn out?  Well, the results were mixed.  Everything was going along just fine until two things happened:  First, during a particularly hot week of the summer, a gas can full to the brim expanded in the heat to the point that it exploded in the storage shed where I keep all my off-season clothes.  Gasoline spilled all over the floor and fumes filled the air for a week at least before we realized what had happened.  By that time the fumes had permeated almost all my storage tubs making everything smell like gasoline.   

Thankfully nothing was ruined, but it did mean that every time I wanted to rotate my clothes I would have to launder everything or else walk around smelling like a Quik-Stop.  So that was one thing.  The other thing was that I began taking classes and working two extra jobs at the beginning of the year so I no longer had the free time each week to go through my closet, take out the old, fold it up, stow it away, and bring out/launder/hang up the new. 

During the summer, I completed a massive clothing clean-out, which made it loads easier to maneuver around my storage shed and find what I am looking for, but I am far from done with my work out there.  To be honest, I could probably stand to give away double what I have already if I truly wanted to get down to just the basics, but I don't want just the basics.  I want my lovely, amazing wardrobe, just as it is right now, which is to say, only containing my favorites even if that is still a lot.  However, I don't really need anything more, not for a very long time, and I have begun the one-in/one-out policy to keep from having an over-abundance ever again.  So, now that I have done all this wardrobe weeding, I have decided to go back to my wardrobe rotation.

Keeping my wardrobe on a seasonal rotation helps to maximize wear from all my pieces and keep me from getting bored with my clothes and wanting to buy more.  I look forward to all my lovely clothes each season, just like seeing old friends come back for a visit.  A seasonal wardrobe doesn't have to be large and you don't have to keep everything.  If you wear something for three months straight you may find that it is worn out and ready to rotate for something new, and that's perfectly fine.  The point is that you use what you have and have only what you love and will use.  That's Mindfulism to a T.

Outfit Info:  Yorkshire Soft Corset and Yorkshire Day Dress from Selkie Collection.  Quipid Heels from ModCloth are so incredibly old.

Tout casse, Tout lasse, Tout passe

I've always struggled to maintain friendships.  Growing up, it seemed like at the beginning of every school year I had to make new friends because my old friends moved away over the summer.  There were a few years where I kept the same friend, her name was Julie and she was a doll, but then she too moved away.  Then there were the mean girl years when I thought I could be a lackey or even a queen bee but ended up being the girl who got so brutally bullied that I spent every lunch alone in my mom's office for the whole 6th grade year and every time I did make a new friend that year, the mean girl bunch came along and lured her away.  My mind turned to some pretty dark thoughts and certain opinions about myself being ugly, unworthy, etc. became very deeply ingrained from that awful year.  It was so devastating to see each friend ditch me again and again for the mean girl crowd, that I developed some serious trust issues too.  And I always wondered what was wrong with me or what I was doing wrong that no one ever chose me over those awful girls.   Incidentally these girls also went after every boy that I developed a crush on as soon as they found out and also successfully managed to win their hearts as well, so yeah, trust issues across several strata.

Grades 7-10 were a lot better as hormones settled down a bit with me managing to keep a basic core group or an evolving rotation of fun people until I hit a wall in my personal life and decided not to return to public school.  I remember the night before school was set to start, telling a friend on the phone that this was it, all my high school friendships were over because if I wasn't at school, I would be forgotten.  My friend said I was being ridiculous and I really wanted to believe that.  I did get one phone call from the HS friends and one invitation to hang out after that.  And then none of them ever called me again.  They forgot about me.  And that felt OK because it seemed like we were really just friends of necessity/convenience anyway.  As an adult I moved A Lot, like every 6 months to a year, and told myself that if I wanted to make friends I could, but I was just too busy or these weren't my kind of people.  Then when my children came along I found that I suddenly did need other mom friends in my life and set out to make them only to find out the very hard way that not only is it not easy for me, but as it turns out I really suck at making friends.  As  much as I would love to continually blame circumstances beyond my control, at a certain point it becomes undeniable that I am the common factor in all my friend problems.

At first I thought that problem lay in the fact that I am an introvert who only wanted one lifelong bosom friend but somehow always managed to befriend the social butterfly who collected (and then discarded) friends like a child collecting shells on the beach and usually used me as a stepping stone on his or her way to better and cooler (or just different) people.  But since I was drawn to that kind of person I was partly to blame; I accepted that and I decided to not cling too tightly to my friends, especially the outgoing types.  Then I kind of went overboard in the complete opposite direction and was very aloof, especially with boyfriends, sometimes not speaking to the person I was dating for a week at a time. One boyfriend moved to another state and it was a month before I realized it.  I didn't want to be constantly texting and calling because I thought maybe I had been too clingy and that's what drove my previous friends away in the first place.  But under this new methodology, I didn't keep friends or boyfriends either.  It seemed like if I wasn't constantly in contact or available to hang out, they pretty quickly moved on and forgot about me.  Couldn't they just be secure in the fact that we're friends without us having to talk and do stuff all the time?  Obviously neither extreme is the place to be if one wants to keep friends and somehow I had missed the middle of the road on friendship.

 

I bring it up because, well, it's happened again.  After all those years of turmoil I completely gave up and then found some really wonderful friends when I wasn't even trying.  I had a good long span of time where I had found the balance on communication and I thought I was past all the hard stuff.  I felt like I had made some very good friends, some solid relationships over the course of many years, and now they're suddenly, and unrelated to each other, nearly all gone again.  And this time, I don't even know if I'm sad about it.  Some people are blessed with that best friend for life; some are able to be the social butterfly and float from friend to friend with ease.  I am neither of those.  I am beginning to think I am the kind of person who is just meant to walk their path alone although I welcome a little company from time to time.  I understand now that our time together is limited, so that I can fully enjoy their company while it lasts and freely release them when it's time to go.

Is there something wrong with me?  Maybe.  Or maybe this is just my personality type and I'm really not so alone in feeling this way and struggling in this area as I think.  Were these friendships ending my fault?  It is statistically impossible that I am not to blame to some degree, and in two out of three cases I know that I bear part of the responsibility and I'm willing to admit that.  I also feel after much consideration that I have walked alongside these dear people for a while now, maybe it's time to let go and be alone again for a while.  That's just the ebb and flow of relationships, at least in my life and I've reached an age where I have given up on trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong or right and just accepted that friendships are hard for me and something that I'm not likely to ever be good at, but saying goodbye and being alone are things I've become extremely good at and thankfully so, because it has made it much easier to bear when friendships end.

As much as I wish this post had some uplifting message to it, it's really just a reality check.  I heard a French proverb a long time ago that I have held close to my heart for times like this and it goes: "Tout casse, tout lasse, tout passe." - "Everything breaks, everything fades, everything passes."  Hearts break, friendships fade, loneliness passes just like everything else.  But there's another old saying I'd like to add to it:  every time a door closes, somewhere a window opens.  You see even though these relationships are ending, just the other day I reached out to form a new friendship and I'm hopeful that it will be meaningful and special to both of us for as long as it lasts.  It's possible that it will amount to nothing at all and that's ok too.  My time of socializing may be over for now but even if I am on my own for a while this season of solitude will pass as well.  Whatever is on the way, I am trying to just be open to it, to enjoy the positive aspects and manage the negative and know in my heart that life is ever-changing and new things are always on the way.

The Right Kind of Envy

A reader once reached out to me for some advice about her personal style and over time our conversation blossomed into a friendship.  Being much younger than me, I loved hearing about all the ways that her life was starting out and about all her plans and dreams.  Being a cheerleader for her as she got out there and made things happen was truly an honor and I am so glad that we met and I got to know her. 

 At one point in our fashion talks, the topic of a book called Lessons From Madame Chic:  20 Stylish Secrets I Learned While Living In Paris by Jennifer Scott came up.  My penpal loved it and it had influenced her in such a way that she highly recommended that I read it too.  So, I did.  And, I loved it!  If you haven't read it, I can as whole heartedly recommend it to you as my friend once did to me.  

Of all the life lessons and tips there was just one thing in the book that stuck out to me as perhaps being a little misleading.  Since I read it years ago, I can't give you an exact quote or a page number, but it went something like this if you dress up when everyone else is not, people will likely stare and take notice because they admire your style.  Hmmm.....  While this statement is true, it's only true about 1/3 to half the time in my experience.  The rest of the time it seems like people aren't admiring you for your style or any other good thing that you have; they hate you for it.  It's something I've never understood and have puzzeled over for many years.  

 

The other day a video popped up in my YouTube feed and as I was doing a task that lent itself rather nicely to having something to listen to while I worked, I clicked and listened.  The Youtuber's name is Kiana Docherty I don't know much about her or her message, but this video was recommended and the title of the video was "They Won't All Be Happy For You."  I was intrigued, so I clicked and listened.  The title kind of says it all, but Kiana goes on to explain that there are two kinds of envy-the positive kind that motivates you to change and the negative kind that makes you hate someone else for their success while pitying yourself.  

When you see someone achieve something Positive envy will say, Hey, Good for them and you know what?  They're no different from me, so I can do it too!  Negative Envy will say, It's not fair!  They're no different than me, why do they have something and I don't?  I deserve it, not them!  Negative envy says, I hate you.  Positive Envy says, I want to learn from you.  The truly difficult thing is that if you're the one who has had the positive change, you really can't control how people will react to it.  Some people will praise you and ask for advice; some people will suddenly hate you.

 As much as we all want to believe and hope that people around us will be happy for us when we achieve something big or small instead of being jealous of us, sometimes even the people closest to us react rather selfishly.  I say it is a selfish reaction because ultimately the way we handle and perceive the success of others is based upon our own perceptions of ourselves, on how much we either value or hate ourselves.  

A person who understands that they have value and worth will react to the success of others positively and say, either Good for You!  or, If you can do it, I can do it!  And consequently this person will either befriend those she admires or else, study them from afar and learn from them.  A person who has very low self esteem and does not value their worth sees their triumphs or blessings of others and responds with jealousy, insecurity, and contempt.  They disdain the successful person and either avoid or deride them in an attempt to bring them down to their level.   It's painful, it's disgusting, and it's all too common.  The most disheartening thing of all is that I've seen it work!  I've seen people who are having some measure of success get dragged back down by the jealousy of others because they thought it was about them and not the other person.

If I ever learn the secret to getting people to value themselves and see their worth, I will definitely let you know, because that's the best solution to this problem.  Unfortunately, I haven't solved this yet, so the very best I can do is warn you or anyone who is trying to do something to make their lives better that you will face adversity and criticism from people who don't want you to have better for yourself because they don't think they deserve better for themselves.  Just know that it will happen, that it's not about you, and that you must carry on with your hard work and ignore the critiques from jealous types.

Walk Away

There are two connotations to the expression Walk Away and lately I've been grappling with both.  So, I thought today we'd devote a post to talking about it.

I've been fighting a certain battle for years and after yet another sucker punch from my opponents, I think I'm ready to throw in the towel and walk away.  There are people in this world who have endless amounts of energy and they love nothing better than devoting all that excess time and effort into causing trouble for others.  I'm not one of them.  I just want to be left alone and sadly that is the mantra of every losing side in every battle throughout all of human history.  I don't want to fight; they do.  I'm ready to just walk away.

In that sense, walking away can have some negative feelings because it feels like giving up, admitting defeat, even cowardice.  But, sometimes it's just wisdom to admit that you're beaten or just plain tired of fighting.  And that's where I am at.  I'm tired of trying to out maneuver, stay ten steps ahead, and never knowing when the next strike will occur from people whose lives are utterly empty of all meaning and purpose beyond how they can harm others.  I just want peace and quiet.

The other way I've been walking away is while I've been doing my second 30 day No-shopping challenge.  I have felt myself tempted to relieve stress by shopping, or simply just caught myself starting to mindlessly browse, because it's become such a habit I don't even make it as a conscious choice any more.  I've had to devote a lot of brain power to being very aware of my actions and even my thoughts and as soon as I catch myself even thinking about shopping, I make myself literally get up and walk away from my computer or phone.  Which is to say, that in those moments, I have to put physical distance between myself and the temptation to get a better perspective and not give in.

In this sense, walking away shows great self-control and will power, it means I'm in charge.  So, why is it a victory when we walk away from one kind of battle and a defeat when we walk away from another?  Context plays a big role, surely, but more than anything it's about perspective.  While we can all agree that getting up and walking away from a temptation is a sure win, the other situation is a little less about context and a little more about point of view.  In that particular scenario the lines are a little more blurry and so mindset plays a much bigger role.  What some would label as Defeat, others would call a sweeping Victory.  

On the one hand walking away is the clear right choice to be successful by creating physical distance between myself and the thing I don't want to do.  On the other hand, if it will bring me a little peace to let someone else have the "win" then maybe that's the right choice too.  In the end what really matters is that I do feel like I am moving in the right direction in both areas in my life and that's a win any way you look at it.

Outfit Info:  J. Crew Top from ThredUP, 

Juliet Linen Trousers from LoveandConfuse on Etsy

The First Snow Day of the Year

The first snow has already made its appearance this year and it was truly lovely.  I didn't really pay much attention to the weather forecast on the local news as they tend to greatly exaggerate every little cold front so that people make a run on the supermarkets buying bread and milk and then camp out in front of their tvs waiting for the worst to happen but it rarely does.

Well this morning, it actually did snow about 4 inches and we woke up to a beautiful frosty wonderland.  Since my daughter's school was canceled and so was my work, I briefly contemplated going outside to take some photos in the winter scenery, but in the end, I decided to just pour a cup of cacao/coffee and enjoy a window view from the fireside.

Since we had an unexpected day off together, I wanted to do something special, so I made pizza for us all, though there is rarely such a thing as time together in my house right now.  Everyone is busy doing their own thing, so it was enough that everyone could come and go as they pleased and have a slice on their way.

Meanwhile, not wanting to just spend the day watching tv or online shopping, I set about a task that has been in the back of my mind for a while.  You see, as I go through my home and declutter, I really am finding places everywhere that need to be sorted and tidied and coming to terms with the reality that decluttering is never a one and done kind of thing.  It's a part of regular maintainence, and part that I have not done in so long because I thought we were on the verge of building a new home and didn't want to part with anything that might be useful until we knew exactly what we would need.

 

So, years passed and the clutter grew and the new house never materialized, and now it's time to organize this mess.  I've spent months my closet and the shed, my desk, and the dining room table which is a favorite dumping ground as family members walk in the door looking to lay down heavy bags, mail, etc.

It's all been rather tedious, but the feeling of stepping back from a previous mess and seeing a freshly decluttered and fully usable has been enough to keep me going all these months.  So, today, since I couldn't really get out and do anything else, I decided to tackly my fabric tubs.  They've been neatly stacked under my sewing table for years and I really haven't gone through them...ever.  I've added but never subtracted, so I knew it was time.

I took all the drawers out of the organizers, dragged them into the living room so I could still watch a movie while I worked, dumped everything onto the floor and set about sorting by color and putting everything away.  It took a few hours and I filled a bag with fabric that I bought for a specific project years ago, never really liked, and no longer need.  I made a little space and not only got everything organized, but also took an inventory of everything I have so I can start sewing this winter.

With something productive done, I felt pretty comfortable taking it easy, so for the rest of this lovely snow day, I kicked back, did some journaling, chatted with my girls, made sure the animals were snug and cozy, and just enjoyed the snow.

Outfit:  Pink Toile Dress from JessaKae

Strawberry Winter with Retro-Stage

Not to sound like the opening lines of The Goldbergs, but back in the 80s I was a Strawberry Shortcake girl.  I loved the original American Greetings version by Mercedes Llimona and all the colorful follow-ups.  I loved the new characters and the pets and lost myself in hours and hours of play with all my dolls until it was time to pack them away in a giant strawberry carrying case.

They say that all we are is adult versions of our childhood tastes and dreams and in this aspect I can certainly relate as I am still a Strawberry Shortcake fan and I still love all things strawberry, which is why I was so excited to collaborate with Retro-Stage on their 1950s Mesh Swing Strawberry Dress.  

What a darling this dress is!  It combines my two greatest loves of vintage dresses and strawberries into one pretty piece at a very affordable price.  I added a red petticoat underneath to make the skirt nice and full and to just add a little red ruffle at the bottom, but it's just as cute as-is.

I don't know what it is about strawberry prints, but anytime I see them it is instantly love and looking  back over the past few years, I seem to find a way to sneak in a strawberry dress in the dead of winter every single year.  Well, if it's becoming a tradition, may as well embrace it and keep things going.

Things to note about this particular strawberry dress: There is the pink underlayer and a strawberry mesh top layer.  And, it has a zipper down the back and the ties at the shoulders are completely adjustable!  

So, here's to strawberry dresses in winter and another wonderful collaboration with Retro-Stage.

 Outfit Info:  Pink 1950s Strawberry Mesh Swing Dress-$26.99 from Retro-Stage