When Confrontation is Kindness

Following up my recent post about confrontation, I thought we'd explore this topic a little further and discuss how confrontation can not only be a healthy thing but sometimes the kindest and most loving thing a person can do.  The tendency is to think that only jerks or "Karens" are confrontational.  While it's true that rather unlikeable people tend to be the first to pick a fight, that doesn't mean that confronting a situation is a bad thing, especially when confrontation leads to positive change.  Personally I want to know if people don't like me because of something I said or did, especially if it's a repeat behavior that I can work on.  I would be mortified to find out that everyone hates me because of something I am doing and no one, especially people who claim to love me, will tell me that there's a problem.  

As a Christian, I see a lot of people in my religion who use the old "turn the other cheek" to justify running from or ignoring problems and problematic behaviors in others.  They can use this phrase to label their response love when what it is actually is apathy or fear.  When I see someone I love behave in a way that is rude, disgusting, mean-spirited, and makes other people hate them, is it love to say nothing?  Is it love to allow someone to be hated by everyone, possibly including me eventually?  No, that is not love.  Love is patient; love is kind.  Love rejoices in the truth. (1 Cor. 13:4-7)  Therefore, we must Speak the truth in love. (Eph. 4:15).  And also, we are instructed to Love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31)  If I would want people who love me to tell me (in a very kind way) when I've been a jerk or that I need to change somethings to make my life better, don't I owe that same kindness to others I love?   (And, please believe me when I say there is a difference between this type of intervention and just constantly commenting and criticizing another person's life choices.  That isn't truth, it's criticism.  Criticism isn't love either, it's a selfish desire for control.)

Many people believe that when someone acts badly, they should just ignore it, not once does the Bible say if you love someone ignore them.  If you truly love someone you want the best for them.  In the same way that if someone you love is heading down a path that would lead to pain, addictions, and ultimately death, you would warn them and if they failed to listen you would rally friends and family for an intervention and support, so too if you see someone that you love engaging in any behavior that will lead to them being hated, dismissed, or otherwise unsuccessful in life, it is not love to just ignore it.  Love doesn't ignore a problem until it goes away.  More often than not, ignoring a problem doesn't make it go; ignoring a problem makes it grow.  So, in spite of its fear of confrontation, in spite of its discomfort over having to possibly hurt someone or make them angry, Love speaks the truth with patience and kindness. 

In the same way that a parent who ignores their child's tantrums, lying, stealing, and general awful behavior usually winds up with a child people hate which becomes an adult that goes no where in life if they don't change, doesn't love their child because no one who actually loved their child would allow it to become hated and miserable, so too when we allow friends, family, co-workers, fellow church members to repeatedly act horribly until they develop a character that makes them despised, we are not doing so out of love but fear, selfishness, or worse a complete lack of any feeling for what becomes of them.

If you love someone, it is perfectly acceptable and right, so sit them down, look them in the eyes and say, "I love you and I'm concerned about you and that's why we need to talk about the way you've been acting."  Will they listen?  Maybe, maybe not.  Will they change?  Maybe, maybe not.  But one thing is certain, they will know the truth and the truth spoken in love is a powerful thing that can move mountains and shake seas, so it's very likely that they will change, even if it's only in how they treat you and maybe their immediate circle.  And isn't even a small change for the better worth the risk, worth the discomfort of confrontation if it makes a heart change for the better?  Isn't speaking the truth in patience, kindness, and love for the betterment of others the real meaning and purpose of loving others as ourselves?

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