Is It Possible to Change?

Resolution time is here and since this is the season when so many are making vows to change their ways, I thought I'd discuss a recent conversation with a friend of mine on that very subject.  I was speaking with a friend who was struggling with a person in her life who refused to change.  She felt that the main problem was that their personality types were incompatible and if only he would change.  She asked me if I thought people were capable of change to which I replied, No.  She was taken aback by my answer but I meant what I said. 

Before you get your back up, let me explain.  Habits can change; core being does not change.  Years of observation have led me to believe we are all born with personality types and while through time, effort, and experiences we may modify our behaviors, curb our tendencies, alter our habits, change our desires, or improve ourselves, we don't ever really change our nature, the essence of who we are. 

An uptight person will likely never be the easy-going life of the party.  And the bubbly social butterfly will likely never be the pragmatic industrious Type-A.  So, while those aspects of their core personalities will probably always be there and they will not change, that's not to say that people can't improve by holding their tongue instead of dominating every conversation, or speaking up instead of being a silent wallflower. 

My friend, who is a life-of-the-party kind of girl, has attached herself to a staunch introvert and has been complaining ever since that he needs to change.  I suspect he has been unhappy as well and has said a few things along the lines of wanting her to stay home more.

So, I asked my friend if what she wanted was an improvement in her partner or if she wanted him to be someone he wasn't.  Improvement is possible; that sort of core-being change is not.  Can he compromise by going out with her more without complaining or being nagged?  Absolutely!  On the reverse, she can compromise with him by staying in every now and then.  But, her nature will draw her to social gatherings and people; his will draw him to solitude.  That will always be.  I say all this with an admonition to be very wary of people who want you to change into someone you're not or who make you feel that your nature is wrong or bad simply because it's not like theirs.  That is an exercise in futility which will only lead to unhappiness for both parties.

For me, there was such peace in accepting that the part of my personality that everyone seems to hate, isn't really a bad thing and it isn't really everyone who hates it; it's just people who are the opposite and want me to be more like them.  For example, I recognize that I have an obsessive/addictive personality type; I always have, even as a child, been this way.  That's not going to change, but how I approach and manage it will now that I realize this is how my brain works.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still working on myself, but now within the parameters of who I truly am and it's made all the difference.  It has brought peace to my mind and soul.  

It's perfectly fine for we, ourselves, or the people we love to see an area in which we are struggling and suggest that some work needs to be done there.  It's not ok for people to continually nag/shame us into being their idea of perfect.  You cannot spot this kind of destructive relationship unless you truly know yourself.  To know yourself you must examine yourself and acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses, your gifts and your flaws.  Once you acknowledge them, you must accept the the parts of yourself that you cannot change and make improvements on the rest and give yourself some grace all along the way.

Outfit Info:  Collectif Shirt Dress, B.A.I.T Shoes