Part of the Grand Plan

At the start of this year I was so excited for all the changes that were on the way. I finished one certification program and began another which ended in May. I left one job and was hoping start another, this one directly linked to my certifications, but there was a gap. The job wasn't open yet, so I suddenly found myself with half the income and twice the time. It was a gift and I intended to treasure every spare moment until the new job began. That was February; here we are in August and that job has not opened.

At first I had so many things to accomplish at home that each day was full. I vowed to use my time at home to be a value and a blessing to my family. I did jobs like tearing down the pigpen that Mr. Bleu was always meaning to do but usually too tired or busy. I decluttered and organized; I deep cleaned and home cooked. Over the course of a few weeks to a month, my projects began to dwindle. Could it be? Was I finally...all caught up? Yes, I was indeed. I started to get bored and then a little depressed. This temporary situation was seeming more semi-permanent. I felt like I had wasted my time and my money on something that didn't pan out; in short, I felt like a failure. I started berating myself for taking this risk. Then I stopped and realized that I would have regretted Not taking the risk far more than trying and not succeeding. Not trying at all, that's what failure really looks like.

Coming to terms with the fact that things didn't work out as I had hoped meant I needed to rethink things and regroup. I decided to begin to work in some time each week for journaling, and each day for walking. I made time for getting some sunshine and having long soaks in mineral water. I had been in high-gear for so long, why not take some quiet time in this season of less activity and live just a little slower and a little easier. I made time to visit my parents and Mr. Bleu's. I made time to have tea with friends. I decided to go to actual brick and mortar stores with my mom or my girls, to enjoy the experience of shopping as a social activity. And, life was good.

The trouble with easy living is that other people tend to want to fill that empty time. I had people ask me to run errands for them because they were either "busy" or "working." I had people ask me to do special projects for them for the same reasons. And while I didn't mind helping out a friend or family member once in a while, at a certain point, I had to start setting boundaries in order to guard my time or else risk sliding right back to the fast paced, full down to the very second kind of life. I still work out of the home and many of my days here are still rather full of work as well, so it's perfectly reasonable to turn down a few requests to be a free personal assistant for other people.

Summer rolled around, and the boss I had been hoping to start working for suddenly stopped responding to my messages. Maybe I've been ghosted, or maybe her summer has been just as full as mine. I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt. Feeling pressure from myself to carry on with the plan I made two years ago to get certified and begin working in a new field, I started to think if it was going to happen I was going to have to make it happen. People kept asking, family members had proudly announced to people that this is what I would be doing and now I still wasn't, like at all. So, I took it upon myself to look around and try to carry out the original plan on my own. I was offered one job and applied for another. Initially I went in for interviews and discussed all the options and scenarios, but while waiting to hear back, I found myself in a quiet panic as I realized I am actually really and truly very happy just doing what I am doing right now.

One place called to say they were passing on my application, and the other graciously accepted my refusal. I was relieved. I still haven't heard from my would-be boss and at this point, and I find that a relief too. Rejection is never easy, but I think it is all truly for the best, so no hard feelings toward anyone. I like my current job and they seem to like me well enough. It's not a job that people in my family brag about, but it pays the bills, and that's enough. If money isn't an issue, and if I can put away my pride (I love it when my family is proud of me, but we can't have it all and I could exhaust myself trying), then I can be free to just enjoy this season in life. I like my weekends with my family and my couple of weekdays in which I take care of all the home and farm needs. I like cooking meals, tidying up the house, weeding the garden, and creating a place of rest and comfort for those around me creates rest and comfort in my spirit and my mind.

I know it may sound silly, but I have had to take some time to grieve the loss of my plans; after all there were a few hopes and dreams wrapped up in there too. I've finally made peace with the fact that that door has closed and I'm actually really grateful. If I hadn't been pursuing that career, I would never have taken the job I have now and had this whole experience. It's been a while since I felt like God was guiding my life. For the past eight years or so, I've felt rather alone through it all. For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that this all feels like part of a greater plan and I am letting go of what I thought things would be in order to embrace this moment, this season with a thankful heart.