A little fruit for thought today (play on words intended). As a part of my unconventional high school education, I read Plato's Apology. I fell in love with apologetics, and even today prefer it to all other methods of education and discourse. The line that most stood out to me as an impressionable teen was Socrates', "The unexamined life is not worth living." Fresh on the heels of a very lengthy and interesting conversation with a friend, I thought I would devote a little time to the subject of self-reflection. Self-reflection means turning inward to examine your actions, the motives behind them, and the walls of denial we build for self protection. Sounds pretty heavy for a light-hearted blog like this, right? Don't worry, we'll keep it as light as possible.
In my experience, the very first person we lie to is ourselves. When presented with a situation that involves doing something which is wrong, our conscience checks us. That little voice says, "this is wrong, don't do this." If we want to do this wrong thing, if the voice of the conscience is weak, we begin to find reasons why this thing isn't so bad or why it is bad but we can handle it even if others cannot. That is called a justification and if you have to justify something it means you know it's wrong. Self reflection begins with an earnest look at our selves. No more justifications. No more lies.
As I go through my daily life, I see so many angry, unhappy people. They feel this way for many reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that they are not living their best lives. They repeat the same destructive behaviors over and over sinking further each time, and making excuses for why their current situation has nothing to do with their traumas, addictions, poor choices, etc. And so, they continue to sink. But they don't have to. You don't have to. If you're miserable in the way your life is going, there is hope.
Living an honest life brings the ultimate freedom and it all begins with self reflection. Let me give you an example: a few years ago I applied for a promotion at a company I had worked for for five years. I went to the interview and was questioned by the same group of people that I had seen every day for the past five years. I thought it was a lock. They passed. I was hurt and shocked and since my position with the company was ending, it was this or unemployment. I didn't know what to do. I could have been devastated--How could they do this to me?!! I could have played the blame game--It was that b!5#h Linda! She's always hated me!! I could have had a pity party--Oh, nothing ever goes my way. Why me??! I could have been in denial--Well, I'm just too good for that company. But, I decided to step back from my emotions and be honest with myself.
The truth of the matter is that:
1. I had not done my best at that job. I was young and flippant and I knew (thought) that my position was temporary, then when the opportunity for a permanent position came along, I already had an established reputation that wasn't the best. I should have done better and would remember this lesson for the future.--This is within my control to change.
2. Linda is a b!%#h and she probably did vote against me getting hired. There's nothing I could have done about that, everyone hated her and she hated everyone.--This is not within my control. In her defense, she probably wasn't the only one who voted against me and by that point, people's opinions were fixed and that was also too late for me to change/control.
3. Did I really want to work that meaningless job for another five years? No, not at all. If they had given me the job, I probably would have stayed forever, but my heart wouldn't have been in it. Leaving that company made me take a leap into another career field that was far more fulfilling, more like me, than the other job.--This is within my control to an extent.
I changed the things that I could change. I accepted the things I had no control over. Being honest (rational, not emotional) led me to a great freedom about that situation and the great news is that it works for every situation. I know this is a very small thing, but I had to start somewhere and beginning to look at things this way has led me to a lifestyle of honesty and that has made me free. Take this same strategy and apply it to an unhealthy relationship. Say to yourself, I am unhappy, Why? What part of this is my fault and how can I change it. What do I really need from my partner, friend, family member, etc. and are they willing to change? How can I get the things that I want/need and am I prepared for the consequences that come with laying down healthy boundaries in an unhealthy relationship? How much of my issues are linked to my own past trauma that I have not wanted to talk about with this person or to deal with myself?
So how do you get started? Turn off the world, sit down with a cup of tea and a pen and notebook in a quiet place and work through these things. Don't do it in a day. Take your time and discuss the things you discover with someone you trust, a friend, family member or counselor, to keep you accountable, especially in the beginning as you learn to stop the denial and justification and be honest with yourself. When you begin to lay down the weight of self-lies, denial, justifications, and begin to live a life of self reflection, self-examination and honesty you will know such freedom and you will live your very best life.
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