Teuta Matoshi

Monday, March 31, 2025

Someone To Tend the Light

*Post and photos will have nothing to do with each other today.  

    Graduation day is almost here and it will be time for the last little bird to leave the nest.  Looking back, I feel almost dizzy seeing how quickly the years have passed.  The days were long, but the years were short as the saying goes, and it's when the days are so long that it becomes easy to take it all for granted.  Standing on the other side now I regret all the time I spent, "just getting through it," and have become more grateful than ever for the times when I forced myself to slow down and savor the moments.  

    We all take things for granted.  We forget to be grateful for even the smallest of gestures until... one day they're gone.  As a teenager, it never once occurred to me to thank my parents for the little things they did, things as simple as leaving the light on for me when they went to bed while I was still out with friends.  It never occurred to me that they didn't have to do that, that something so small took time and effort that they didn't have to take.  Something so small meant that they cared.  It never occurred to me until I was living on my own.  I remember well that chilly feeling of coming home late night after night to a dark empty house.  It's a light.  One single light, one single flip of one single switch, and yet when it was gone, it suddenly meant more than I could ever express.

    In the evenings now, I get ready for bed in a too quiet house.  A house that used to be filled with the sounds of bathtime splashing, and noisy happy singing, with the clunking of toys being tossed into cubbies, with blankets being ruffled, and stories being read.  Now I wash off my makeup and brush my teeth in the still darkness.  My children are grown; they have their own lives and soon they'll have their own homes.  They don't realize yet how much care I take, before I pull back my blanket and crawl exhausted into bed, to make sure to cross those creaky floors, and flip that single switch, and leave the light on.  They don't know it just now, but it means that they are loved.

Outfit Info:  Teuta Matoshi Dress

Thursday, October 17, 2024

Whispering Forest Gown

Mr. Bleu and I are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this year and he very sweetly suggested that we have a ceremony to renew our vows.  At first I was so touched and thrilled by the idea that I started planning.  The more I thought about it, the less excited I became.  The first go round was extremely stressful and expensive that I really didn't think I wanted to go through it all again.  However, 20 years of marriage is a thing worth celebrating and it needed to be done right, so in lieu of a ceremony, we went to the chapel that I always wished we had used for our wedding (but we didn't have the  money), bought a new dress and a new suit, and booked an hour with a talented photographer just to capture our moment in a less stressful and more private way.  It was truly wonderful and so much fun.  I couldn't find anyone to do my makeup, but I did get my hair styled and it was a beautiful mild evening. I originally thought I would wear a dress I already owned, but nothing felt quite right for what I wanted.  Fortunately, Teuta Matoshi has never let me down and I found the perfect gown for the occasion.  For a full dress review, click on my YouTube video below.
 Outfit Info:  Whispering Forest Dress from Teuta Matoshi

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Dress Like You Might Have to Walk

I know I wear a lot of impractical things, but never doubt that beneath all the sequins and puffs, there is a level headed farm girl to the core.  No matter where I am going or what time of year it is, I always bring along the kind of clothes I would need should I have to walk home.  Maybe that sounds silly, but it's a lesson I learned the hardest way possible when I was a very little girl on a day much like this.  The snow doesn't usually start in this part of the world until February.  It's been that way as long as I could remember and it made for quite a few boring Spring Breaks spent indoors watching it sleet and snow.  It was sometime close to Valentine's Day and my best friend, Simona asked if we could have a sleepover.  Simona was the anti-Leandra which is why I liked her so much.  She was the sun to my moon, the warrior to my poet.  We became friends because our brothers played sports together and there was no one else our age sitting through all those games.  Eventually we decided to become cheerleaders for their team, even getting uniforms and practicing our cheers.  Our moms also worked together and were old high school friends so our friendship came about very organically.  I was never much for sleepovers, I didn't like outsiders invading my home and weekends and staying at other people's houses gave me a stomach ache, but with Simona it felt like family so I never passed on the opportunity to spend outside-of-school time with her.
Since it was so close to Valentine's day and also because it was so cold outside, we talked of nothing but which boys we liked, making cards, and having hot cocoa with conversation hearts instead of marshmallows.  Boys discussed, cards made, and cocoa drank, we curled up in our sleeping bags on the floor by the fire and talked long into the night until we fell asleep.  The next morning we woke up to windows coated with frost and mom cooking bacon and eggs in the kitchen.  It had sleeted and snowed in the night and the roads were too slick for us to take Simona home.  She would have to stay with us until the afternoon when the roads thawed.  Squealing our delight between mouthfuls of bacon, we wrapped up in blankets and went to my room to begin an epic day of play.  We had to wrap up in blankets because during the winter only the central part of the house was heated by a fire.  The bedrooms were closed off to keep the house warmer which made indoor play remarkably similar to outdoor play in the winter in that they both involved putting on hats and coats and having to come out of the cold to get warm now and then.
 
And so we played for hours and hours, Simona always coming up with storylines for our dolls that I would never have thought of.  At two o'clock we emerged from my arctic room to warm up and maybe convince mom to make us some more of that Valentine cocoa.  Upon entering the living room, I saw mom staring out our sliding glass doors, watching as it began to sleet again.  In one hand she held our mustard yellow rotary phone with the 10ft long curly cord, with the other hand, she coiled the cord around her fingers and kept it from dragging the ground.  Her worried face searched the clouds as she spoke.  After a few Mmmhmm's of agreement, she crossed the living room and hung up the phone.  Turning, she saw us standing there and jumped.  "Oh!  Girls, you scared me."  We giggled at our accidental mischief.  "There's another storm moving in and Simona's parents want her home.  They're afraid if we don't get her home now she could be snowed in with us for days."  Looking first at each other and then at my mom, we begged for her to stay long enough to be snowed in.  "No, girls, they're right.  They're worried and would rather have you safe with them, Simona.  Quick as you can, go pack, so we  can get going."  We were not quick.  
"Get dressed and a grab a coat!" Mom yelled from the opposite end of the house.  Simona's house was only 20 minutes from mine and since we'd been playing all day in our pajamas, it didn't make much sense to get dressed now.  While she shoved clothes into her bag, I picked up her dolls and handed them to her.  Mom yelled from the living room that we had to go, and realizing we had delayed as long as possible we gave in and went to put our shoes on.  Dressed only in my pajamas, and a snow hat I put on to help with the cold in my room, I grabbed an old pair of snow boots and pulled them on over my bare feet.  Hopping into our rusty old farm truck, we set out for town. I started to chatter to mom about all the things we had done on our sleepover, but she shushed me, saying she needed to concentrate.  Mom wasn't a shusher by nature, so this must be serious.  We crunched through the slush and ice of our dirt road; then came the hill.  The same hill that our school bus had nearly plummeted from two years earlier on a snowy day like this. Ignoring the stop sign at the end of our dirt road, she hit the gas as we approached the hill hoping to have enough speed to crest it, but we started sliding back down.  She let us slide to the bottom and then tried again with more gas.  Since seatbelts were for wimps in the 80s, we didn't put them on, but Simona and I did grab each other's hands as we slid down the hill backwards.  Mom stared straight ahead, let out a sigh, set her jaw and hit the gas again.  This time we made it nearly to the top when we started sliding sideways, fishtailing toward the the side of the hill.  Looking out my window at the sheer drop on my side of the road, I decided to be as reasonable as possible and scream my head off until mom came to her senses and stopped the truck.  Being thoroughly familiar with my antics, mom was undeterred.  Fighting for control she kept at it until I, frustrated that my concerns in the form of terrified girlish screams were being ignored, decided to do what grown-ups always encouraged me to do when overwhelmed by strong emotion and use my words.
"Mom, are you out of your mind?!  You're not a very good driver and you're going to get us all killed!  You nearly killed me once with this stupid truck and now you're back to finish the job, I knew it, I knew it!"  Mom's face whipped around with the most macabre blend of shock and confusion I had ever seen.  I had her attention, now to bring the point home.  "Mom, it's not worth it.  You can't handle this! Please don't get us killed!  Stop the truck!  Stop the truck!"  Frustrated but confidence-shaken, mom let the truck slide to a stop and put it in park.  She sat for a moment looking at me, before announcing, "We can't make it.  We'll have to walk home."  Relieved that cooler heads had prevailed, I scrambled out of the truck, jumping down onto the hillside, Slosh! onto the sleet covered ground.  I grabbed Simona's hand and mom grabbed mine as we plodded down the steep hill.  After just three steps, the holes in my boots provided easy access to the freezing water on the ground.  A few steps later, I realized that my thin polyester flannel pajamas may be flame retardant, but they were not made to double as arctic hiking gear.    "Mom, I'm cold."  I said, knowing she would use this as an opportunity to remind me that I had been told to dress appropriately, but instead and without looking down, she replied, "This is ridiculous.  I could have made it."  I looked at Simona, who though cold, had dressed appropriately and in lieu of sacrificing one of her layers to keep me warm, put an arm around me instead.  Thirty frigid minutes later, we stomped the ice off our shoes and stepped back inside our house.   I kicked off my soggy boots and Simona and I made a B-line for the fireplace while mom called Simona's parents to tell them if they ever wanted to see their daughter again, they'd have to strap on their snow chains and collect her themselves.  While Simona and I excitedly whispered about the possibility of her having to stay two or three days extra, her parents were already hard at work in their crowded garage locating their snow chains.  An hour later she was on her way home and my feet had finally returned to their normal healthy color.
My own children, having never been in a similar situation, always dress like everywhere they're going is 78º and sunny, no matter how many times I yell at them to take a coat and some sensible shoes.  I suppose there are some lessons we all must learn the hard way.   About a year later, on a rainy day in April, my mother learned the hard way both not to leave the gas bill unpaid until 4:45 on a Friday afternoon and that her driving skills were not as solid as she thought, but that's a story for another time, and I learned that snowy day in February to always dress like you'll have to walk home.  It's a lesson I have never forgot and to this very day, no matter how I am dressed or what the weather, I always make sure to have a coat and some sensible shoes in the car with me, which is why, even in these snowy day pics in a beautiful gown, taken not too far from my own front door, I wearing my good old reliable farm boots to get me back home again.

Sunday, December 18, 2022

The Perfect Photo Session?

I don't like posting photos of my family because I feel that my children need their privacy to grow up, be awkward, mess up, and just generally be human.  I don't want to use them as a ploy to gain followers or involvement.  They're people, not products.   But, they were so pleased with how our family photo session turned out that they gave me permission to share these photos of our family.
Social media has done a real number on our society.  Keeping up with the Jones' has gone to the extreme thanks to social media posts of pretty people on perfect vacations in the throws of blissful living.  Sitting at home in sweat pants on a Friday night, sharing a block of cheese with the cat, we come across these photos and feel suddenly inadequate.  We want that life, we want that Perfect life.  The cure?  There's really only two ways to get over FOMO, either get out there and try to have the perfect body, perfect wardrobe, perfect vacation, perfect photos, perfect life and eventually come to the realization that nothing is perfect, no matter how it looks on social media, or just stay off social media altogether so you don't feel inadequate.  Maybe your life could use a tweak or two, but more than likely, you're just fine and totally normal doing what you're doing.
I tend to stay off social media as much as possible, it's one of the reasons my interaction rates are so low on all my platforms.  I don't need to feel bad about myself for just having a very real and very normal life.  I'm not opposed to creating Kodak moments, but my expectations are very realistic.  I have also learned over time that all those perfect photos of perfect people range from "not telling the whole story" to "just totally fake."  When we lived in Japan, we were packed in like sardines and we knew all the details of our neighbors' lives thanks to our paper thin walls.  I heard the way they spoke to each other and treated each other in real life, then saw their smiling faces on social media dolled up in a fashion I never once saw in real life and it sickened me how fake their posts were.  So, in the interest of transparency, let me tell you a little something about our family photo session. 
We haven't done family photos in seven years because our family has been through a tough time that made me unable to look at past photos and of which I didn't want current photos.   Now that things seem to be getting better, I decided it was time to take some photos together before my children grow up and move out.  I rented a studio so that I could take our photos myself  (Mistake #1).  I wanted us to look our best (Mistake #2) in some of my most favorite gowns and spent some time (hours!) coordinating, locating, and steaming our dresses.  I booked the studio for Saturday at 10 a.m. so that no one had to get up early and yet it was early enough in the day that once we were done people could do other things with their day.  Even so, no one wanted to get up, people dragged their feet getting ready, refused to shave their legs, decided to cut their own bangs waaay too short and shave off half their eyebrows the night before, tried tons of dresses deciding that none would work, fought over shoes, etc, etc, etc.  It was chaos.
When we arrived, one person still wasn't ready and spent 15 minutes of our 60 minute session in the bathroom applying makeup.  The studio owner was very helpful in setting up some props and lighting and left us to our own devices.  It's hard enough for me to take my own photos, but when you have a group of people who don't know how to pose and fight to slouch, look away from the camera, and just generally don't want to be there, it becomes nearly impossible to set up a shot, push the button, run to take your own place, and have everything look great so you get the most amazing photos in one hour.  Of the hundred or so photos that I took, we probably got a ten usable shots.  It was frustrating and irritating, like herding cats, and I was afraid that all our smiles would be fake, but a wonderful thing happened.  Somewhere near the last quarter of an hour, we started laughing, really laughing, and most of these smiles were genuine.  The girls looked at the photos I had taken and decided that they liked the way they looked; they felt pretty and were happy to be there.
After the session, Mr. Bleu decided to treat the girls to coffee.  Can you guess what happened next?  That's right, one of them spilled coffee all over her (my) dress.   I didn't even bat an eye at this point.  I knew I could wash it as soon as we got home and most likely get the stain out, and I did.  Then I settled into my chair to decompress.  Anything worth having is going to take hard work, and this was definitely hard work.  Are the photos perfect?  Nope, so don't look too close.  If I could have spent all my time behind the camera I would have been much happier with how everyone was posed, but since I had to split my time in front of and behind the camera, I knew it wasn't going to be perfect.  We got a few family photos dressed in our best with some true and heart-felt smiles.  It's not perfect, but it's real and that's good enough for me.
Shopping Info:  Star dress is from Teuta Matoshi, Ruffle dresses are from Selkie

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

The Thrill of Country Living

Yesterday was a normal day, lots of paperwork, lots of phone calls, lots of busyness.  Everything was going as usual until we got home and saw a bear sitting in our yard.  
That's right, a bear who looked to be fairly young still and about the size of a large Rottweiler.  It was sitting on its haunches staring in the direction of our chickens, when we drove up and startled it back into the woods.  It's entirely possible that the appearance of this bear is due to all the people moving out here are making these formerly spacious woods quite crowded, but it also is likely due to how dry the summer has been.
The woods up on this mountain are normally filled with wild blackberries and wild grapes and there are plenty of little ponds too.  This year they've all dried up and the berries died by the end of June, so my guess is that wildlife like this bear, whom I have already named Joshua, are hungry and more than a little thirsty. 
I wish there was something I could do to help, but I worry that if I put out any food or water, it will keep the bear coming back and that our timorous invertebrate Texas neighbors will shoot it without cause.  (No offense to all Texans, just these two jags)  It's probably better if the bear just fends for itself and swipes a chicken or two to get by.
No one should move to the country thinking they'll have life easier.  It may be quieter at times and the pace may be slower at times, but I assure you it is a harder life and I for one am grateful for the challenge.  Sometimes the surprises out here are delightful and sometimes they're scary.  Usually they're a little bit of both which certainly helps keep the thrill of living out here alive and keeps us ever on our toes.  
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