Solitary Refinement

I went to a "party" this weekend.  I have to use the quotes because it's such a relative term.  As a grown-up parties are a lot different than when I was a kid or a teen, or even when I was at university.  This "party" was very causal and a lot of fun and not really a big deal, except it's me and it was a group of strangers and have social anxiety to spare, so it's a pretty big deal.

I'm an introvert by nature and by choice.  What I mean by that is that while we cannot control the disposition with which we are born, we absolutely control the extent to which we allow that disposition and its tendencies to control our lives.  Very often we're told that someone was "born this way" which basically means there's nothing to be done.  Throw your hands up in the air, it's all over.  If being the way you are works for you, then by all means, keep it up!  But, if you find that it is holding you back from living the kind of life you want then you must struggle against it and rein it in.  If your "comfort zone" is more like a prison it's time to break free.  It is possible to modify your nature.

The best place to start is by getting to know yourself i.e. your personality type, dispositions, your strengths and weaknesses and the things about you that are holding you back.  For me, it takes a lot of effort to reach out to people and make friends.  I have to push myself way outside of my comfort zone in order to do that because everyone needs friends.  It will never be in my nature to do this, but by repeated effort it does get easier.  People like me need to admit we can't do everything by ourselves; we need to reach out to others.

If you're on the other side of the spectrum and you're a very outgoing person who loves having people around but you can't seem to get others to stay in your life, maybe you need to pull back a bit.  I'll use an acquaintance named Dawn as an example.  She is a social butterfly and because of that she hates being alone.  She's a relationship junkie in every kind of relationship--she doesn't have many but they're all very unhealthy.  She is so desperate for friendship that people find her cloying and needy and her desperation repels them.  Dawn needs to learn to be content all alone.  She needs to be complete by herself and stop trying to get others to meet all her needs.

One day Dawn was in tears over all this.  She was so lonely and had no idea why people kept avoiding her, and why all her relationships were so toxic, but I did.  So, I spoke to her about it and suggested some behavior modifications, specifically that she needed to work on being alone and finding fulfillment in other ways because people felt used and drained by her.  Don't worry, I was nice when I said it.  Dawn's response?  I just can't, I've just always been like this!  That was also the excuse she used for being chronically late for work and turning in assignments, she said, "I've just always been a slow-poke," but her boss felt that it was more of a choice and wrote her up for it.  Since Dawn wanted to keep her job, she made it a priority to modify her behavior in the form of setting an alarm and keeping a task list.  She changed that behavior that she deemed to be detrimental, but the last time I saw her she was still clinging to her stubborn nature and feeling incredibly unhappy about it rather than working to change the things that were within her control.

Self discipline is an up-hill all the way battle but that hill definitely gets less steep the more you keep going.  A rare few people are blessed a balanced nature; most of us need a little work from time to time to keep ourselves in check and I'm  no exception to that.  I'm a very shy, lonesome person, but as I've gotten older, I've come to realize that we all need people, I need people in my life, and my shy nature was holding me back.  

Some people will always be outgoing, but they don't have to be domineering and codependent.  I'll always be a lonesome person, but my solitary nature can take a little refinement so that it doesn't hold me back from enjoying my life.   It may take some hard work and you will definitely be out of your comfort zone, but maybe that's the thing that's been holding you back all along.  It's time to break free.  It's time to live your life and love it.

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