True Body Positivity

“No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”― Plato

There have been a number of movements that I was so excited to see beginning.  I rejoiced as it seemed that problematic issues were finally being addressed and the good fight was finally being fought and the truth would come to light.  Real and positive change seemed like it was just within reach...and then the trolls showed up.  The internet goblins, the clueless beasts, the attention seeking hucksters that never understood the movement, twisted it, and then overpowered the truth with their ugliness and lies, totally discrediting the entire movement.  (I'm looking at you every person who made up totally fake stories so they could #metoo  Thanks to your lies, you just ensured that no one will ever #believeallwomen)  And the Body Positivity movement has become just as ruined a movement as all the others because of brainless internet monsters who jump on a bandwagon without understanding what it's about and then co-opt it for their own selfish and stupid purposes.  But, I still believe in body positivity, and I'm going to keep fighting for it, so let's start by defining what it Is, what it Is Not, and how you can become truly at peace with your body.

Nothing hurts my heart more than when someone pays me a compliment on what I'm wearing and then immediately follows it with a resigned and dejected sigh insisting, "I wish I could dress like that."  It hurts me because the idea that they can't "dress like that" is a lie they've told themselves (not society) and even though it's making them miserable, they're clinging so tightly to it that when I tell them it's not true, they rush to defend the lie.  When I created this blog in 2014, it was after years of self-hatred and struggle.  After finally achieving respect for my body and acceptance of my appearance and being finally at peace with myself including my flaws, I wanted to talk honestly with others about how they too could achieve this body positivity.  When I spoke about addressing my flaws, people were upset.  They thought I was in crisis and needed reassurance.  I wasn't and I didn't.  I was simply being honest about the fact that I have flaws and seek to minimize them, and it made people uncomfortable.  People don't want the truth.  Things like: you have control, this problem is yours not society's to address, you are beautiful,  perfection is unattainable but if you're unhappy you can do/be better, are all basic truths that seem to make people feel very uncomfortable.  It's no wonder that the truth of body positivity was twisted into a palatable deception.

 

Here's what body positivity is Not: Body Positivity is NOT Fat Positivity.  Several decades ago society openly rejected the extreme skeletal thinness that the fashion world promoted and countless thousands of young girls began starving themselves to achieve.  There was this brief moment of real sizes, real women, but it didn't last long.  Instead the pendulum swung to the other extreme.  While it's perfectly true that there is an acceptable range of healthy sizes there are extremes on ends of the body weight spectrum and one is just as appalling as the other.  When I look at the so called Fat Positive talking heads I see an image just as ghastly as the Pro-Ana pushers.  They are both merchants of death; do not believe their lies.  It's called morbid obesity because it will kill you.  At the opposite end of that spectrum, Anorexia/Bulimia will kill you.  They are both self-hatred and the people who claim that this is beautiful are miserable.  They're controlled by their addictions, their illness, they hate their bodies and themselves.  And yet they continue to draw people in who are looking for soft lies instead of hard truths.

If that's what body positivity is not, then the second part of that is this:  You Cannot Tell Other People What They Find Attractive.  The fact is that there is an instinct within human beings to find healthy bodies attractive.  This instinct is for mating and survival and has served a very valuable purpose.  And what's healthy is and always has been on quite a varied range but I can assure you that morbid obesity and skeletal emaciation are not in that range.  One of the main demands of the fat positive movement is that other people are required to find them attractive.  If ever there was an exercise in futility it is this and it will keep you in a constant state of outrage that will make you uglier than any number on the scale could ever do.  The only person you have and should ever want to have control over is yourself.  What you cannot do is control the opinions of every other person in the world and quite frankly only a selfish, tantrum throwing little monster wishes to do so.  Screaming at people to find someone beautiful or else be labeled a hate monger and a bigot is for hate mongers and petty tyrants.  Don't waste your time or energy on something as foolish as that.   Life is fleeting and time is precious, so devote yourself to things in which you can truly make a difference and effect positive change, and the best place to start is with yourself.  Become someone who is truly Body Positive.

So if that's what we want to avoid, then What is body positivity?  Body positivity is an honest, unemotional look at your body.  It's recognizing what makes you look and feel your best and then having the confidence to wear it.  When it comes to the human body, there is no such thing as perfection.  If there were, we wouldn't have photoshop and all those stupid apps.  The fact is you have flaws.  Don't cry about it; accept it.  Once you accept it you can learn how to address those flaws.  You also (fanfare plays!) have strengths.  I think for many women it's easier to see the flaws and much harder to recognize and own your strengths, but I promise you your body has been blessed with some strong and beautiful attributes.  Accept those too.  Once you accept your strengths you can begin to accentuate them.  That's what body positivity really means.  It doesn't mean you love everything or even most things about your body.  It means an honest acceptance of your body, the good and the not-so-good and working with what you have to the best of your ability in order to present your best self.

Acceptance is the first part of body positivity; Action is the second part.  Once you have taken an honest, unemotional assessment of your features, it's time to get to work.  I can't stress enough the importance of being unemotional.  Don't look at yourself and say, I have acne; I'm ugly!  Don't try on a dress and say, I'm so fat!  Say, I have acne, so that's going to take a better skin care regimen and the right concealer.  And, that dress looks awful on me; I'm going to find something that really shows off my figure.  Pulling back your emotions is key for honest assessments.  For me, I did both a macro and micro assessment.  Micro meaning focusing just on my face/hair for make-up and macro meaning my body shape, skin tone, etc. 

In a micro assessment I saw that my eyes are one of my best features and also a source of a pretty noticeable flaw.  I have large dark eyes but I also have dark under eye circles, so when doing my make up, I really focus on my eyes.  In a macro sense, I have a pear shape.  No matter how much weight I have gained or lost, no matter how my body changed during the baby years, my shape remained the same, just at different sizes.  One of the reasons an hourglass shape has historically been considered the most attractive is that it is balanced, and balance is key, so when dressing my shape I opt for things that create more balance.  I select pieces that draw attention to the narrowest part of my waist and often wear a padded push-up bra that adds 1-2 cup sizes in order to bring a little equivalence to my shape so it doesn't look so extreme.  I avoid things that draw attention to my thighs, things that make my top look even smaller, things without a built in waist or with a drop waist.  They look awful on me because they create a more extreme imbalance.

There are things about your body you may never love, but you can love who you are and how you look and that brings a beauty all its own.  Embrace your body, your shape, your features, your size.  Downplay the flaws; celebrate the strengths.  Accept that it all comes together to make a unique person called you.  These are small things, simple things that derive from a state of honesty and peace.  And it is all within your grasp--about this, I'm 100% positive.