Social Success

It was Saturday afternoon when my single friend rang me for a chat.  At first I was concerned because I could hear distress in her voice, but as we began to talk, I realized there was no need to panic.  My friend, let's call her Rebecca, was at the point of tears because her weekend plans had been canceled by events beyond her control and she was facing yet another weekend alone.  We're call-up-and-chat friends, not really hanging-out friends, so I knew she wasn't looking to me to provide company.  There's a great chasm of age that separates us too and what Rebecca really wants is to be around people her own age and having fun, but the invitations elude her.

I listened as Rebecca cried and asked repeatedly, "What's wrong with me that no one ever asks me to hang out?"  I asked if she was waiting for an invitation or if she was actively calling people up and suggesting things they could do together.  She claimed to be doing her part, and she did make some excuses too, but she was facing consistent rejections to all her efforts.  Then she cried.  My heart broke for her, because I know how it feels to be lonely and uncertain of how or maybe just unable to make friends.  Being the awkward, antisocial type, I couldn't offer much advice on how to win friends and influence people, but I also couldn't sit by and say nothing.

Granted, there is a time when a friend should just sit and listen as the other person unburdens themselves, but after fifteen minutes of unburdening, Rebecca was swiftly spiraling into depression.  I knew it was time to step in and offer a different perspective.  I told her this:  Ok, the way I see it, you have two options.  You can either give up and in doing so avoid ever being rejected again but also ensure that nothing will change, or you can keep trying and putting yourself out there.  Maybe you'll get rejected, but maybe you will find friends who love and accept you.  It's a gamble that might lead to the things you want vs. a sure thing that you will stay miserable.  Which do you want?  Naturally, she wants the happiness and friendship and that means taking a risk that she will get hurt.  I wish it weren't that way, but it simply is.

I also asked her to do a three of exercises: I asked her to pray daily for 30 days concerning finding friends and building a healthy social life, and I asked her to spend 15 minutes each day doing some self examination so that she will understand if perhaps she needs to tweak her behavior and personality into something that people find more agreeable and likeable.  In other words, I asked to think about whether or not she's been acting like a jerk when she's out and that's why people don't invite her back.  

The final thing I asked her to do was to organize some social events with friends, take the first step and put together some things like a movie marathon or a shopping trip instead of passively waiting for others to invite her.  She agreed to try and started right then by texting a friend and suggesting they go roller skating.  The friend agreed and when I spoke to Rebecca the next day, not only was she exuberant over having a fun day with her friend, but she also met someone new while they were out and exchanged numbers with the person.  I hope my dear friend continues to work toward her goals and see positive results. 

There are things in life we cannot control, but there are many things we can.  Rebecca can't help being an introvert, but she can choose to not let it dominate her life.  She can choose to reach out, in spite of how difficult it is.  She'll never be an extrovert, because she can't change her nature, but she can balance her nature a bit and learn through practice to be more sociable.  Sometimes we get so lost, just drifting along.  At times like this the best thing we can do is get a plan, understand that no plan is failure-proof, make adjustments as we go and keep focused on working toward a life that we want.  It's unlikely that anyone will just hand you a good life, but if you will continue doing the hard work, you will see success.