I had to go bra shopping the other day. It's probably been 5 years or more since I've tried on bras in a store, and oh boy, was it an unpleasant experience. Don't get me wrong, the staff at Victoria's Secret were incredibly nice and very helpful; it was what I saw in the mirror that really bothered me.
I can't remember how old I was the first time I heard it, probably 40-ish, but it resonated. "You still look good...for a woman your age. Dot. Dot. Dot. For A Woman Your Age. Every word after the ellipses smashing not only the half hearted compliment, but my fragile esteem with it. Those words rang in my ears. Standing in that dressing room, staring at reality. A Woman My Age. Looking at myself, I was suddenly reeling with disappointment and sadness. I almost walked out empty handed and emotionally distraught because what I saw in the mirror was... a woman my age. Deep breath.
Wait, was this reality? Or were insecurities affecting my perception? I needed balance.
First of all the lighting was terrible, I looked much better in the natural lighting at my home instead of the overhead fluorescents at VS. But secondly, my body is older. It just is.
I regained composure by reminding myself that even when I was "young"-- in my teens, twenties, thirties-- I had insecurities about my body. Looking back it seems crazy, but it felt real at the time. And in 10 years, 20 years, I'll look back and think this is silly too and wish I could have this current body back because it's pretty darn healthy and serving me well.
If I may quote The GothMother, I don't want to be in a lifelong hostage situation with my own reflection in the mirror.
One of my old favorite indie bands, Tahiti 80, said in a song, "You'll never be younger than today." Enjoy the moment; enjoy the season, and remember that confidence has nothing to do with age or appearance or other people's thoughtless comments and everything to do with peace and acceptance and all the grace and wisdom earned by A Woman My Age.
Outfit info: Eva Franco dress is thrifted, shoes are from B.A.I.T., cardi is from YeMak, necklace is vintage, and yes, the bra is from Victoria's Secret.
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