That's right, I'm rocking my one and only power suit today because today we have some business to discuss. It's the business of being honest and assertive. It's the business of standing up for yourself instead of avoiding confrontation. Let me tell you a little story: An 80 year old widow is approached by a neighbor who is 20 years her junior and asks her to drive her to a doctor's appointment an hour away through rush hour traffic in the largest city in the state. She doesn't want to be "mean" or a "bed person" so she agrees. She dreads every moment until the day arrives. She spends every second of it terrified, stressed, and hating this person who has asked for such a huge favor and has a record of being a mooch, and after the appointment, spends most of her time hiding from her neighbor lest she be asked for more such favors. Why didn't she just say no?
It seems like I hear from women around me on a weekly basis about the ways in which they have over-committed themselves to projects and under-defended themselves against power plays and verbal attacks. Oh, ladies, it's time to say no and mean business. I've been in churches and communities where the pressure to serve is on so much so that they will completely exhaust any help they get. I've worked jobs with co-workers and bosses who criticize and make hateful comments. And rather than address the issues, I avoided them. Actually I wasn't avoiding anything. Instead I was prolonging the problem by not nipping it in the bud and it always grew until I hated the people involved, left the church or the job, and continued to ruminate about it for years. Why put yourself through that? Believe me when I say there is a much better way. It won't be easy at first, but you can do it.
Many, but not all, of the women I speak with who struggle with these issues are Christians. For the Christian women they feel as though they have sinned, or at least fallen short when they refuse to give their time to a project or serve in some way. For the non-Christian women I've spoken with they tend to be people pleasers and it's more about wanting others to like them and being afraid that if they say no they'll lose popularity or friendship. It's much the same when these women are verbally insulted or attacked by another and decide to stay silent rather than confront the person or situation. One such person I spoke with most recently was asked to drive a neighbor to a doctor's appointment. This dear woman is nearing 80, having to drive the younger woman very large cities filled with dizzying traffic to get to this appointment when they both live within 5 minutes of a doctor in their quiet little town. The octogenarian agreed to this rather than offend her neighbor and the drive was so stressful and the other woman so cloying that by the end of it she hated her. I advised her to firmly state that she would under no circumstances ever drive her anywhere again as she was not comfortable driving any more and then tactfully suggest that the woman switch to the local doctor. From what I hear, it has worked although they are no longer "friends."
To the Christian women who struggle with this I would say this: God Loves a Cheerful Giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). That doesn't just mean he wants you to joyfully give in the offering plate, but also with your time and let's face it, if you say yes to things which you really don't have the energy or time for and then grumble about it, dread it, wish it was over, and avoid the people who might ask you to help again, you're the opposite of a cheerful giver. And, if you put on a smile and pretend to be cheerful while inwardly you are filled with anger and resentment what you're doing is called lying. You remember that lying is on God's Top Ten worst sins, right? So, put your big girl pants on and say, "Thank you so much for thinking of me for this project/opportunity to serve. I am just not able to commit the time to it right now, but I will pray that God leads you to the right person to help you with this." And then mean it and stand your ground because Christian people know how to lay the guilt on in a very godly-sounding way but it's all manipulation.
For non-Christian women, the approach is basically the same but if you're agreeing to things simply because you're afraid of losing friends, you need to understand that a true friend may be disappointed that you can't help, but won't stop being your friend. By contrast, a person who rejects you because you are already over booked with your time is just using you. They're not your friend and you shouldn't be sad to get them out of your life if that's all it takes. When it comes to verbal abuse, the sooner you talk about it the better. A few years ago I had a confrontation with a co-worker who liked to say horrible things to everyone under the guise that she was "joking." She said a few things to me which caught me off guard and made me so miserable I thought about quitting. Finally I decided I'd had enough and was ready for the next attack. It came and she made a very harsh comment about me. I calmed myself for a bit and an hour later I walked up to her and said, "I need to talk to you about something. Earlier when you said_______, what did you mean by that?" The person tried to dismiss it, but I knew I had been insulted so I persisted with, "Well, it was extremely rude and unprofessional." The person apologized and treated me with more respect for a time but as happens with some people after a few months she began testing the boundaries again. I had to call her out several times before she got the message that she could not speak to me that way.
So many people are afraid of what others think of them and they walk on eggshells trying to avoid hurting anyone or making anyone angry, but what you have in the end is a bitter, resentful person who spends more time avoiding conflict than it would take to just deal with it and be done. Telling others no, doesn't make you a bad person. Nor does it make you a monster to stand-up for yourself when others are out of line. On the contrary, you're being honest and brave, and that's something that God approves of and so will the people who truly love you and truly are your friends. Have the courage to be honest. You won't be sorry for living an authentic life. So, stand up for yourself. Say no when you need to and mean business.
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