Why I Wear What I Wear

I know what you're thinking, Four W's in your title?  Four?!  Save some for the rest of us!  Sorry but all the W's were necessary today.  Someone asked me again today, "why do you always dress so nice?"  It wasn't a polite question asked by someone with large hopeful eyes that admired my attire.  It was asked with a disdain that almost always reflects the unfinished part of that question:  Why do you always dress so nice (it makes me feel bad about myself).  It really used to bother me when people were rude like this, but they made me feel like I was being rude by wearing something I liked.  It's stupid, I know, and I pretty quickly got over it, but since I see so many young women hurt by comments like this, I thought it would be helpful to address this issue.  First and foremost, I can't help the way people feel about themselves and while there are certainly times for the consideration of others' feelings and putting their comfort ahead of your own (like not wearing a white dress to someone else's wedding), in day to day life the best rule to follow is that you can't please everyone, so just do what you know is best.

I don't have any problem dressing appropriately for the occasion, for instance I never feed my animals in heels or show up to move office furniture in an ivory lace dress.  But, generally, I do dress nicely because this makes me happy.  Colors, prints, bows, and pointy toes, these things brighten my day and make me feel more exuberant, so why not wear them?  It is such a joy to stand in front of my closet filled with all my favorite things and look forward to what I can create and how I feel in my outfit creations.  Such a joy in fact that I wish everyone could feel this way.

I don't normally pay much attention to what others wear, because I don't care.  If they're happy, I'm happy, but when I looked at the person who asked me this question today, I saw someone who hated what they had on and my pretty dress only shined a light on something they wished to ignore: the faded leggings, the t-shirt that long ago lost its shape, the slip-on sandals, hair pulled back, no make-up.   It is an outfit that takes no effort and it doesn't offend me at all.  Sure, I see it, but I don't really take notice because I don't really care what other people wear.  I've never once saw someone dressed like this and walked up to them and said, Ugh, why do you have to dress like this?

Do you know why I've never done this?  Because when I dress in a way that makes me feel good about myself, that reflects the confidence I have in myself, I am not affected by what anyone else is wearing.  I don't care what they're wearing because I feel good about myself.  And, so, when someone asks "Why are you wearing that?" you can be certain it says way more about themselves that it ever will about me or you.  So, I laugh and let it go, and return to my joyful state.  It's as simple as that.

Shopping Info:  MAK Sweater, The Other Sparrows Dress, VIVAIA Shoes

Serious Summer

Inflation is high, fuel and grocery prices are high, temperatures are high, and Mr. Bleu is out of work.  We knew the out-of-work part of this summer was coming, and we've done our best to plan for it, but with everything else being so high, we're struggling a little to make ends meet. 

You may not see how high temperatures factor in to all this, but with the summer being so hot and dry, our garden (which was one of the ways we planned coping both with the rise in food prices and the drop in income) is suffering and apart from a few tomatoes, it hasn't done anything to supplement our food supply over the past couple of months.

We're hopeful that the single income will only last a month, but things have been harder, which means no spare income for pretty dresses for the foreseeable future.  You may think this would drive me crazy, but actually I've quite enjoyed the break. 

I'm still in the process of cleaning out my extensive wardrobe which remained untrimmed for nearly a decade, and with the recent suspension of anything incoming, it's given me a chance to wear lots of things that sat on the shelf for far too long.

It's somewhat bittersweet really.  I haven't worn this strawberry dress in five years and that is a terrible shame because it is so cute and comfortable in this oppressive heat, but also because The Other Sparrows, the company which made this pretty little strawberry dress has closed its doors and gone away.

That's the way of things I suppose.  Hard times hit and sometimes we survive and sometimes we don't.  I'm not terribly worried about our month of single income and doing without a few things but it is a good reminder to appreciate the good times and prepare for the bad times.

Shopping Info:  Dress from The Other Sparrows, Flats from Harriseve

Shopping Addiction & the Road to Recovery: Step One

Recently I wrote a post about a little spending relapse in my road to freedom from shopping addiction.  The post, to my surprise, received quite a few views.  To me that means that this is a topic with which many people struggle and want help.  But, help with this issue is scarce, so it's something that I'm going to begin talking about regularly.  Personally I've felt very alone with this undertaking and have had to muddle through it while people in my life turned a blind eye or called me selfish instead of reaching out to help.  Let's face it, helping others is hard and most people, even people we love, just can't be bothered.  So, it's been a long, difficult, painful and solitary struggle, but I finally feel like I'm beginning to see the end of this road in sight and I want to help others by sharing what I've learned through it all.

I recommend if you are ready to deal with a hurt, habit, or hang-up of any kind that the very best kind of help you can get is face-to-face with either a support group or a therapist.  Once you admit that you need help and take that step, you will find that most addiction recovery programs follow the 12 Step model.  You can do the 12 steps on your own, but accountability is a critical part of recovery and you can't get that by yourself, so please if at all possible, the best place to start is side by side with others who can help you carry your burden.

The first step of the 12 Step program is Admitting That You Are Powerless Over Your Addiction.  For most people, it's easy to believe that they are handling their habit quite well, in spite of paramount evidence to the contrary, right up until they hit rock bottom.  For a shopping addict hitting rock bottom might be when the credit card bills arrive, the utilities get turned off because you've spent your money shopping and now have none left for bills, or when you kids get ready to go to college and find out you've spent their college fund.  

For most people the way that they continue in their addiction is by not looking at it.  They don't check the accounts, sit down and add up the bills, or keep a count of how many times they've been to the shops this week alone.  And there are often layers of little justifications (mental bargaining to make the expense seem ok) like fully intending to pay it back with the next paycheck, but they never can and until finally the truth is out.  Rock bottom is one of those places that everyone who loves us tries to keep us away from.  Unfortunately, for most people that's the only place they'll begin to seek help.

If you're struggling with shopping addiction might I suggest that you first get honest with yourself about your spending by keeping a very detailed spending journal for at least one month.  Don't tally, just spend as usual and write everything down.  Then, at the end of the month add up every single penny you have spent.  You may find yourself at rock bottom when you look at those numbers and multiply them by 12 months, adding in a little extra for the holidays.  It can be quite a shock but one that you must own as part of step one, admitting that you are out of control and your addiction has been controlling you.

Once you've kept a journal for at least a month, it's time to analyze times/days when you are more prone to spending so you can begin to see what triggers you and create a plan to deal with those things in healthy ways.  For example, let's say that you notice that you tend to spend money at a particular shop that's on your way home from work.  The easiest way to avoid that temptation is to change your route going home.  Or perhaps you notice that certain times of the month or certain events like the big weekly business meeting trigger you to spend to alleviate stress.  To combat this you could schedule exercise directly after the big meeting so you can clear your head with physical activity instead of spending.

Continue keeping your journal and as you notice a pattern and create your strategy for success, it's time to set a spending limit.  Be reasonable!  No one is going to go from spending $5000 per month to $50.  You might be able to do that for a while, but what's more likely is that just like with highly restrictive dieting, you'll starve yourself for awhile only to binge big time and maybe even end up spending more than before.  So, let's say you spend $5000 on shopping each month.  For next month, limit yourself to $4,500.  That's a small decrease and very doable.  Then, after a month or two, drop yourself down to $4,000 and so on until you reach a level that is prudent and feasible. 

Expect that at some point you will have a relapse.  Make a plan for what you will do if you get off track to help ease you back on again and most importantly get someone in your life to whom you can be accountable.  (That's technically step 5 in the program, but it really helps if you can get that person right from the start)  Since this is a topic that I struggled with alone for so long and since it was such a popular post when I last talked about it, I'm going to keep writing about it.  As a matter of fact, let's talk about and work through the 12 Steps together, and if at any point along the way you feel like reaching out to talk and have an accountability partner, just use the "contact me" button and I'd be more than happy to do that for you.

Shopping Info:  For this post, everything in my outfit is old to help you avoid temptation.

Fashion Splash

Sometimes I go off on my tangents about my personal life, but today's post is all fashion, plus it's short and sweet just like my dress.  A little color for your Monday morning.  The phrase "pop of color" or "splash of color" has really worked its way into the vernacular and I hear it used all the time, but that shouldn't take away from its importance.

A little bit of color here and there makes a big difference in the way an outfit looks.   The tendency for many women is to choose one color to accent a look and leave it at that.  I say, NOPE!

Choose several colors and create something exclusively you.   For this outfit I chose my a XXI top in a blue that matches the print on my dress.  Then I added a belt and shoes in mustard yellow.

To finish it off I added bright fuchsia tights with matching lipstick and nails.  The result is a look that has lots of added colors making this outfit pop and yet everything is still cohesive and harmonious.

Shopping Info:  Dress from the other sparrows, tights from Shein, top and shoes from Thredup

When the Pendulum Swings

The past few weeks have been the busiest in the past year, I think.  They've flown by and I have so many things still yet to do that I haven't had the time to sit down and write much of anything lately.

Today will be another full work day and when I come home at the end of them I feel a bit like a zombie, just sitting a staring at the t.v. until I shuffle off to bed exhausted.

I'm not complaining though.  Most of the last few years have passed me by just like that.  Last year was different.  With most of 2020 spent in quiet days at home, I felt like I was finally able to do some emotional processing and healing.  Then the pendulum swung the other way.  

After so much time at home depression was setting in.  Inactivity, mentally and physically, was taking a toll.  I put on weight, and just generally was entering a haze.  So, while it felt good to have a break from the rat race, it feels good to go out and be part of the world again too.

I can't say what the new year will hold and like most people I am approaching it with apprehension, even with some dread, but it's one day at a time, and we all keep going.  That's the only thing there is to do.

That pendulum I mentioned up there never stops swinging.  Every generation in all of human history has its hard times.  We take our chances just getting out of bed each day and no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

We can't hide from scary things forever and we can't hold on to the easy things, the good things forever either.  Sometimes we keep calm and carry on.  Sometimes we have to get up, get out, and take a stand.  We have to do more than just exist, we have to live and be willing to fight for the things that matter.

Appreciate the calm, expect the storm.  Hope for the best, plan for the worst.  And day by day soldier on.  This is a part of living.  Learn to be thankful for all of it and you will live well no matter what happens next.

Shopping Info:  Floral sundress from The-other-sparrows.com, Cardigan from ModCloth