Life Lately

Five years.  It's been five years.  Everyone who'd ever been there before said, give yourself five years.  Now here we are, standing at the deadline of that golden number for healing, so what's the verdict? (If you're new to the blog, you can read my annual update under the label "musings")

Obviously, there actually is no magic number.  I know this and so did all my wise councilors.  But I have seen so much progress in the last year, that I know there is something to it.  (Not only can I be alone now, I actually look forward to my days alone.  I am able to spend more time in prayer and meditation without it turning into clenched fists and despairing sobs.  I laugh more and cry less)  I know no one wants to wait that long; we want to feel better right now, or at least within a year, but the human being just doesn't work that way.  Healing takes two factors: Time + Hard Work.  You can't skip out on either of those things and have true healing.  You can't just give it time while ignoring the hard work aspect, and you can't just pour yourself into the hard work and hope to be A-OK in six weeks or even six months.  Believe me, I wish it worked that way; it just doesn't.  

I've had a couple of setbacks lately.  It's called the anniversary effect.  It's when all those old feelings and fears resurface even though everything is "fine."  Your mind, your senses are telling you this is how it was right before that awful thing happened.  The season, the celebrations, the flowers that bloom, they're triggering memories and this can lead to a relapse.  I've been there.  Recently.  Expect it; accept it; move forward again.

That's really all I'm doing.  I won't say I've totally forgiven or forgotten because I haven't.  But, I want to and that's why I keep trying.  I know that Life won't ever be the same again because I won't ever be the same.  But that's not the end of the story.  I don't want to be stuck in anger and bitterness and brokenness forever.  There's still a life to be lived and it can be a good one, even if it won't be the one I thought I'd have.  The only option then, is to keep going, keep trying, keep doing the hard work and letting time do its work.  No matter where you are in your own healing journey: do the hard work, acknowledge the pain, expect setbacks and hard days, give it time, and just keep going.  There is a life and a pretty amazing one at that, on the other side of pain and grief.  Not only can you have it, but you deserve it.  So, what are you waiting for?