Shopping Addiction & the Road to Recovery: Step One

Recently I wrote a post about a little spending relapse in my road to freedom from shopping addiction.  The post, to my surprise, received quite a few views.  To me that means that this is a topic with which many people struggle and want help.  But, help with this issue is scarce, so it's something that I'm going to begin talking about regularly.  Personally I've felt very alone with this undertaking and have had to muddle through it while people in my life turned a blind eye or called me selfish instead of reaching out to help.  Let's face it, helping others is hard and most people, even people we love, just can't be bothered.  So, it's been a long, difficult, painful and solitary struggle, but I finally feel like I'm beginning to see the end of this road in sight and I want to help others by sharing what I've learned through it all.

I recommend if you are ready to deal with a hurt, habit, or hang-up of any kind that the very best kind of help you can get is face-to-face with either a support group or a therapist.  Once you admit that you need help and take that step, you will find that most addiction recovery programs follow the 12 Step model.  You can do the 12 steps on your own, but accountability is a critical part of recovery and you can't get that by yourself, so please if at all possible, the best place to start is side by side with others who can help you carry your burden.

The first step of the 12 Step program is Admitting That You Are Powerless Over Your Addiction.  For most people, it's easy to believe that they are handling their habit quite well, in spite of paramount evidence to the contrary, right up until they hit rock bottom.  For a shopping addict hitting rock bottom might be when the credit card bills arrive, the utilities get turned off because you've spent your money shopping and now have none left for bills, or when you kids get ready to go to college and find out you've spent their college fund.  

For most people the way that they continue in their addiction is by not looking at it.  They don't check the accounts, sit down and add up the bills, or keep a count of how many times they've been to the shops this week alone.  And there are often layers of little justifications (mental bargaining to make the expense seem ok) like fully intending to pay it back with the next paycheck, but they never can and until finally the truth is out.  Rock bottom is one of those places that everyone who loves us tries to keep us away from.  Unfortunately, for most people that's the only place they'll begin to seek help.

If you're struggling with shopping addiction might I suggest that you first get honest with yourself about your spending by keeping a very detailed spending journal for at least one month.  Don't tally, just spend as usual and write everything down.  Then, at the end of the month add up every single penny you have spent.  You may find yourself at rock bottom when you look at those numbers and multiply them by 12 months, adding in a little extra for the holidays.  It can be quite a shock but one that you must own as part of step one, admitting that you are out of control and your addiction has been controlling you.

Once you've kept a journal for at least a month, it's time to analyze times/days when you are more prone to spending so you can begin to see what triggers you and create a plan to deal with those things in healthy ways.  For example, let's say that you notice that you tend to spend money at a particular shop that's on your way home from work.  The easiest way to avoid that temptation is to change your route going home.  Or perhaps you notice that certain times of the month or certain events like the big weekly business meeting trigger you to spend to alleviate stress.  To combat this you could schedule exercise directly after the big meeting so you can clear your head with physical activity instead of spending.

Continue keeping your journal and as you notice a pattern and create your strategy for success, it's time to set a spending limit.  Be reasonable!  No one is going to go from spending $5000 per month to $50.  You might be able to do that for a while, but what's more likely is that just like with highly restrictive dieting, you'll starve yourself for awhile only to binge big time and maybe even end up spending more than before.  So, let's say you spend $5000 on shopping each month.  For next month, limit yourself to $4,500.  That's a small decrease and very doable.  Then, after a month or two, drop yourself down to $4,000 and so on until you reach a level that is prudent and feasible. 

Expect that at some point you will have a relapse.  Make a plan for what you will do if you get off track to help ease you back on again and most importantly get someone in your life to whom you can be accountable.  (That's technically step 5 in the program, but it really helps if you can get that person right from the start)  Since this is a topic that I struggled with alone for so long and since it was such a popular post when I last talked about it, I'm going to keep writing about it.  As a matter of fact, let's talk about and work through the 12 Steps together, and if at any point along the way you feel like reaching out to talk and have an accountability partner, just use the "contact me" button and I'd be more than happy to do that for you.

Shopping Info:  For this post, everything in my outfit is old to help you avoid temptation.

The J.ING Puff Dress Dupe

Since we discussed the Selkie dress in my last post, that must mean that it's time to discuss one of the many look alike dresses on the market.  I am the queen of wishing that dupes could be as good as the original, but all my aliexpress purchases have taught me that they just aren't.  A dupe is a dupe for a reason and by the way the double meaning of dupe is not lost on me.  It means to fool but it also means one who is a fool, and after so many bum dresses, believe me when I say I was beginning to feel a little foolish.  This little dress from J.ING then must be a small saving grace because it is the real deal when it comes to pretty dresses and it didn't cost a ton. 

The Ever After Pink Puff dress us from J.ING and cost a mere $60 compared to the $269 of the Peach French Puff dress from Selkie.  Not only does this dress have a longer waist than the Selkie Puff and French Puff, but it also has a subtle heart shape neckline, soft comfortable fabric, and just enough puff and ruffles to make it incredibly feminine but not over the top.  Most of the Selkie Dresses are so couture that I would be tempted to save them for special occasions, but J.ING has created more day-to-day wearable version of the Selkie style I love.

I think this dress is actually quite flattering as opposed to the puff dress, which just isn't.  (Please don't think I mean any disrespect to Selkie, I'm a huge fan of the shop, the styles.  I love everything they have going on and I can't wait to see what they come up with next.  It's just that this particular style needed a few tweaks to work for me and this dress made them).  At first I thought the issues were entirely due to the design, but I think now that the fabric plays a major role.  With a cotton fabric, I don't think the dress would stick out so much at the tummy area creating the illusion of a hidden pregnancy.  I've got another Selkie on the way, so we shall see!

I'd never shopped at J.ING before and was afraid it was a scam site.  Before buying I contacted a few of the reviewers through their Insta and asked them if this dress was really as pretty as it looked.  One responded and said, yes it is gorgeous and yes, they are legit.  That put me at ease a little and I decided to buy the dress.  It shipped the following day after I ordered and arrived within just a few days.  The wrinkles steamed out easily and it fits true to size.

This is one dupe that had me feeling pretty smart for taking a chance on a new company.  I know it doesn't always pan out, but when it does, it makes up for all the times it doesn't.

Shopping Info:  Ever After Pink Puff Sleeve Mini Dress-$60 from J.ING 

The Selkie Puff Dress Review

The strawberry dress wasn't the only pretty frock to take the locked-down world by storm in 2020.  The Selkie Puff Dress was a huge internet sensation in its own rite.  For my part, I loved the dress, but it didn't look nice on.....really anyone I saw wearing it.  The super short skirt and the bodice that's just a boob-mashing band, it just doesn't flatter many body types, and I knew it wouldn't look good on me either.  I decided not to save up for it.  Truthfully, I had given up the idea of that particular dress until I saw a dupe dress that had changed a few key design elements and made something I found exponentially more appealing.  Soooooo, since I liked the look-alike, I thought I should probably buy the original as well so I could do a proper comparison.

Upon inspecting SelkieCollection.com, I found that there are six styles of the puff dress.  They range in price from $249 to $335, and most of them, while lovely, have the same issue of the unflattering baby doll waist and short puffy skirt that would make me look dumpy.  The Ritz dress (also the most expensive style) by contrast has a longer bodice, bustier style cups, and a floor length skirt.  This was my dress!  (why do I always like the most expensive dresses?!)

I decided to order the Ritz dress in Head in the Clouds, but the size chart was totally baffling.  It lists XXS as a size 2.  I wear a size 0, so XXS seemed like the best option, but a size 2 is typically an XS or even a Small, not XXS.  When I looked at the measurements, it gave the bust for XXS/size 2 as 29".  The bust for a size 0 is 31"; what was going on here?!  So, I left Selkie and went to the resale sites.  I began asking people who were selling their XXS and XS why they were selling, what the fit was like, what size they normally wear, etc.  The answers were basically the same--it was too small.

After speaking with one seller who offered me a veeeeery reasonable price, I decided to buy her XXS Ritz, crossed my fingers, and hoped for the best.  I will say of this dress that I got it on and zipped with no problems but that last centimeter or two of zipper was snug and I could feel that it squeezed my bust until it was lightly popping over the edge of the bodice.  Should I have gone a size up?  I'm not sure because the waist fits perfectly.

The dress has only two very lightweight layers and oodles of ruffles.  It's beautiful and ethereal and encapsulates all those childhood princess dreams.  Just be sure you get your measurements and really compare them with the size chart (don't even look at the number sizes!) and I would recommend reaching out to customer service for a second opinion before investing $335 for this dress.  

Having said that, it is lovely and after this I spent some time looking at all the different styles and decided not only to try another, which I did, but to attempt to make my own hybrid version combining some of my favorite design elements into one dress.  Both of those posts should be ready in October and I'm looking forward to the sewing challenge.

It took me a little longer to do a blog post than a video this time because I didn't want to take photos in this dress until I could get all the wrinkles out.  Normally I toss a dress in the dryer with a wet cloth to steam the wrinkles out, but recently I melted a hole in a very delicate dress that way.  Lesson learned.

So I decided, after five years of fashion blogging, to invest in a clothes steamer.  It wasn't terribly expensive, but it did take a while to arrive and then it took a while for me to get the hang of using it.  By the way, once I did master the technique it worked beautifully to get the wrinkles out of this dress!  

And then I found some Marie Antoinette Wigs and they took FOREVER to arrive, so this post is a little late but better late than never.  Plus, this time has given me the opportunity to not only try another dress, but also attempt to make my own.  I'll be reviewing the dupe puff dress here tomorrow, so join me right back here for more photos and in depth discussion of pretty dresses.

Shopping Info: The Selkie Ritz Gown in Head in the Clouds-$330 from Selkiecollection.com

Witchy-Wear

I love it when I find a versatile piece of clothing.  Something I can dress up or dress down, and I have many such items in my wardrobe, but something that I can also instantly turn into a Halloween costume with basically no alterations?  I only have one dress like that.

I am a huge fan of these cocktail dresses with the removable capelet from Gowntown Vintage and I chose this black one mainly just to have a simple, comfortable Little Black Dress at my disposal, but when Halloween rolls around, I also have a ready-made costume that I only need to add a hat to in order to be ready.

I love this dress as a cocktail dress.  The stretchy fabric and adjustable straps make it ever so comfortable, but I am at a total loss for a Halloween costume this year, so why not make this dress work on Holidays too!

Well, well, I happen to already have a hat and a wand so why not put them to use with this dress.  And then of course, should the day change and I want to go to a restaurant or a party, I can chose to go in costume or just leave the hat and wand behind and go in all the vintage glamor that this dress affords.

Some years I have great ideas that I spend months working on and some years I haven't the time, energy, or creativity to pour into it.  This year is more like the latter, I'm afraid, so it's nice to have this costume ready to go.

I'm not saying I won't come up with something else before the big day, but it really takes the pressure off in the meantime, plus I can wear this dress anytime and anywhere throughout the rest of the year, so it's a win all the way around.

Shopping Info:  GownTown Women's 1950s Cloak Two-Piece Cocktail Dress-$38 from Amazon.com Sept 24th thru Oct 1st use code Halloweenday to save 20% off this dress.

The Last Days of Summer

I woke up this morning and shivered.  I looked out the window and the sun wasn't up yet.  As I dressed in the pale light, I couldn't help but sigh, Summer is almost over.  Technically this is the first day of autumn, but the weather here tends to go back and forth for a few more weeks at least.  Still, I know with this first chilly morning that summer is nearing the end.

On my quiet drive, still before the full light of dawn now, I saw the does with their fawns and their coats have lost that toasty tawny color in favor of their winter grays, and again I shivered.  I'm just not ready to face another winter.

Normally I look forward to this time of year, but it's been an overly dry summer and all the leaves are drying up and falling right now instead of next month.  The ground is littered with them and I crunch through my lawn instead of the whispering lilt of rainy autumn.

Well, at least I have a couple more weeks before it really starts getting chilly.  I plan to spend them getting as much sunshine as possible.  Every year I go in for my annual check-up and the results come back with low Vitamin D.  My doc gave me prescription strength, only-one-per-week-because-they're-so-strong, vitamin D tablets, and after two years of taking them my Vitamin D is still low.

When the supplements fail, it's time to supplement the supplements.  And what's the very best way to load up on Vitamin D?  Get some sunshine.  Vitamin D is one of the few vitamins that your body can make on its own.  All it takes is about 15 minutes of full sun exposure per day to keep your levels charged.

So, every day that I possibly can, I go out and take some soothing instrumental music-either piano or cello, and use that 15 minutes to do a little destressing/meditating while I load up on sunshine.

While the sunshine is helping my body, the meditation is helping my mood and emotions.  We all have so much going on in our lives that just taking a little break to relax, focus on breathing, maybe pray for a bit, can make a big difference in our emotional state and mental clarity.

The sunshine won't last much longer, but maybe this time spent getting away from it all is something I'll take with me into the autumn and winter.

Shopping Info:  (everything is old) Bernie Dexter Dress, Mak Cardigan, SheIn Heels

Get Out of That Rut

I have been in a rut lately, maybe because I've been really sick or maybe because my work load at home and at my job have increased so much in the last month, but looking at these photos I'm having a hard time imagining having the energy to find this location, plan this photo session, execute it, and then edit the photos.  I've just been so tired that these photos feel like looking at relics from another life.

I am not a person of unlimited means or energy.  I've only got so much to give each day and I give it all, but lately it rarely feels like enough.  I look around at the end of the day and see so many things still undone that I'm tempted to throw in the towel and live in the mess.

I've tried it a few times actually, but here's what I've learned:  Problems don't go away when we stop dealing with them and life doesn't get easier when we get lazy.

It's perfectly fine to take a break now and then, just know that all those things will still be waiting for you when you come back and you'll still have to deal with them.  When I take a break from doing laundry, I don't have less laundry to do.  I have the same amount, just more to do at once than usual.

I spoke with a friend recently who is battling some pretty serious obstacles.  She was depressed and feeling sorry for herself and said she was ready to just give up on everything.   I asked her if that would make her life better.  She replied, "Well....it would make it easier."  But, would it?  

How is it easier to live in an ever-growing mess than to simply make a habit of dealing with it little by little each day.  That goes for emotional messes as well as physical messes.   Avoiding/ignoring the issue may seem like you're escaping it, but really you're just prolonging it.  

At the end of our conversation, my friend realized that her problems weren't going away, that she had to keep fighting , but it was ok to pace herself and leave some things for tomorrow when she needed rest.  The alternative is to give-up and make it all a million times worse.

So, as I get up today and muster all the energy I have to tackle the tasks of this day, I remind myself that it may seem like the list is never-ending, but that's ok.  It's more than ok, it's living life and being productive.  And I'll find my way back to the kind of energy it took to do these photos again (hopefully soon!) because I find not only enjoyment in it, but peace and rest as well as accomplishment.

Shopping Info:  Ocean Draped Hearty Dress-$640 from TeutaMatoshi.com.  Use this link to save 10% off your purchase.

Be the Hero, Not the Victim

 This world wants us to identify as victims and labels that help us control the narrative of why we stay down - it never has to be like that unless you buy into it yourself.

Saying “oh but I could never do _____ no matter how much I might want to” is the exact thing anyone else is hoping for. The less you try the more room for them to relax.

Go hustle!

1924us

I read that quote today from one of my favorite Instagrammers, 1924us.  I spent a lot of time on my walk in this pale September sunshine contemplating those words.  I wish more people would read them and heed them.  In particular I have this person in my life, this lovely, beautiful being whom I have watched grow up all their life.  This person in unique and kind wonderful, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this dear sweet young person.  (Let's call this person Rylee)  And that's the trouble for Rylee.  Turns out, life is hard and nothing gets handed to you.  If you want anything you have to work for it.  And working for things, delaying gratification, putting in the time, paying the dues, those things are all really hard.  

Over the past three years of Rylee's adult life, I've watched Ry latch on to a number of labels which all enable Rylee to say, "All my excuses are valid because I have_____, _____, and ____.  Nothing that's wrong in my life is my fault."  It's strange to watch this person who as a child was a force to be reckoned with become a timid little shell and all because of this disorder and that disorder that no one ever noticed before because Rylee doesn't really have any of them.  They're excuses for Rylee to be the victim in life instead of a hero.

I won't say Rylee's had it easy in life, but show me someone who has.  You can't choose whether you'll be the victim of something awful, but you can choose whether or not you'll stay the victim.  Rylee and so many others that I see are choosing as many victim labels as they can find.  The truth of the matter is that never before have we seen a time in history where anyone can do whatever they want if they're willing to work hard and fight harder.  And never before have we seen such a multitude of bogus excuses as to why more people haven't achieved anything.

No more excuses.  There is no such thing as a level playing field.  Some people are born with talents, others are born with ambition, and some of us are born with nothing at all.  But having an advantage is not a guarantee of success.   If you want to fail, come up with a bunch of labels and excuses to wrap yourself up in and comfort you.  If you want to succeed, give it all you've got and never stop trying.  Stop being the victim and become the hero of your own life.

These aren't just words I wish I could say to Rylee, they're words I've said to others in the same situation and they're words I say to myself nearly everyday to remind me to keep fighting for the life I want, because it's out there, it's possible, and there really is no good reason not to go for it.

Shopping Info:  Dress from Miss Patina