Another Year of Stay-cationing

As much as I wish I could say that life is finally settling down, it's been another long day at the end of another long week.  At moments like this my mind wanders off to better times, vacation times.

These photos are from our trip last year, which is the first vacation we've ever taken without our kids.  There were some scheduling conflicts and also some interest conflicts, mainly the kids had zero interest in going to the beach, and so it was either go without them or don't go at all.  Well, you can see from the photos which I chose.

After all the years I spent begging my parents to take us to the beach and hearing that we couldn't afford it, I was more than a little disappointed that my children take the privilege of going on a beachy vacation for granted.

Growing up, we never took a single family vacation, so when it wasn't something upon which I placed much importance when I had a family of my own, but over time, most especially as my girls have gotten older and I see how short our time living together is, I really value each and every time we took a trip and had an adventure as a family.

As much as I wished for a family vacation during my childhood, we did spend a lot of time driving all over the country, and even though we never once got out to look around, we did see a lot of great sites out the windows and more importantly, we made a lot of great memories just being together as a family, and that's way better than any beach vacation.

Unfortunately we won't be going to the ocean this year.  With gas prices so high, I think we'll just have to take this year off from vacationing and try again next year, but who knows, maybe the extra time will give me the opportunity to save up for some place really amazing and perhaps, just perhaps, the absence of a vacation two years in a row will make the idea of going back to the beach all the more enticing for the more difficult to persuade members of my family. 

Tell the Truth

I believe in telling the truth, always and at all times, even or perhaps especially when it's difficult.  Which is why I've never put a Welcome mat in front of my home.  No false advertising here.  I might one day get a mat that says simply, Hello, but even that seems more friendly than I actually feel toward strangers at my door.

I've never had the energy for lying, but I've also never seen the payoff.  Most people think that lying will help them avoid pain and discomfort.  What it usually does is prolong or increase it.  Let me give you an example from a recent event in my life:

A friend of mine takes care of her grandmother and was going out of town for the weekend.  A mutual acquaintance of my friend and her grandmother offered to check-in on the grandmother while she was away.   Now it just so happens that grandma can't stand this lady, but rather than saying, I'm sorry, she's a bit upset with you right now but thank you for the offer, my friend lied.  She said that granny already had plans to go shopping with another granddaughter.  Sounds simple enough, right?

The next day, the acquaintance approaches granny and starts talking about what fun she'll have on her shopping trip.  Granny immediately tells her that no such thing will be happening and calls my friend to confirm it.  My friend now has to lie to her grandmother about what she said.  She then has to lie to the acquaintance and tell her it is a surprise trip that's why granny didn't know and then she has to call the other granddaughter to fill her in on these lies and get her to corroborate this story.  Now the lie had grown and drawn others in.

My friend then went on her trip and when she came back had a whole host of lies to concoct and people to tell them to about the grandma situation.  I don't know about you, but that all sounds pretty exhausting to me, not to mention way more uncomfortable than just telling the acquaintance the truth which is that her grandmother had become quite cranky of late and had no filter (I know the octogenarian in question and this is all true) and she was upset with this woman but not to take it personally.

Truth told with kindness and fairness to everyone involved.  Matter ended. I've found the truth to be so consistently easier that I don't bother with lies anymore.  They take much more work and never deliver because, like it or not the truth will always be found out eventually, better save yourself some time, some discomfort/worry, and a whole lot of effort and just start out telling the truth.

If you're in the habit of "sparing people's feelings" by telling them soft lies, it can be daunting to change your ways.  You may feel that you risk making people angry or hurt, or risking that they won't like you if you tell them what they don't want to hear, but consider this:  the truth is the most freeing thing in the world and it may not be easy, but it can be spoken with so much love and kindness that people will respect you more and like you better for knowing that you respect them enough to be honest and you care enough to be kind.  That's the kind of attitude that draws people in instead of pushing them away.

Shopping Info:  Venus Ritz Dress from Selkiecollection.com

We Saunter On

After another harrowing week brought on by people with equal amounts of ego and free time on their hands, things are finally settling down.  Of course, I'm somewhat waiting for the next sling of arrows since they seem to back off for a few days, and then like playground bullies building up their courage, they strike again.  It's a tightrope walk between keeping my guard up and still enjoying life.  Because the only way they really win is by taking my joy and my peace.  Believe me when I say, they are trying.

One thing I have avoided during this whole nightmarish month is shielding my children from it all.  As parents, we have included them in regular family meetings to discuss the situation as it unfolds, both the attacks and our plans to deal with them.  We talk together, we pray together, we grieve together, and we face them together.  In this way, I hope we are preparing them for real life because real life means that sometimes you're going along, minding your business, trying your very best, and then something bad happens.  It's not fate or karma, it's just part of life.  These times come, we fight them or endure them, and then they pass.

The very best things that I have found to help me weather storms like this are:  prayer, keeping family close, laughing with friends, and looking back on past trials to see how we came through them just as we will come through this, and most importantly remembering that life is comprised of ease and adversity.  It's easy to forget in the middle of one or the other that they won't last; rather one gives way to the other in a constant dance between joy and sorrow.

While you may not, and perhaps should not, accept each trial with passivity, there is certainly a time to fight back, you should accept that they will happen.  Rest during the good times, enjoy that time, and prepare.  Another storm will come and when it does, you face it with a secret smile, knowing that as much as nasty people roar and rage, it's all just noise. No matter what the world may try to take from you, if you can keep your peace and joy, you haven't really lost anything.

No matter what you're going through, this too shall pass, my friends.  So, chin up, shoulders back, saunter on.

True Body Positivity

“No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”― Plato

There have been a number of movements that I was so excited to see beginning.  I rejoiced as it seemed that problematic issues were finally being addressed and the good fight was finally being fought and the truth would come to light.  Real and positive change seemed like it was just within reach...and then the trolls showed up.  The internet goblins, the clueless beasts, the attention seeking hucksters that never understood the movement, twisted it, and then overpowered the truth with their ugliness and lies, totally discrediting the entire movement.  (I'm looking at you every person who made up totally fake stories so they could #metoo  Thanks to your lies, you just ensured that no one will ever #believeallwomen)  And the Body Positivity movement has become just as ruined a movement as all the others because of brainless internet monsters who jump on a bandwagon without understanding what it's about and then co-opt it for their own selfish and stupid purposes.  But, I still believe in body positivity, and I'm going to keep fighting for it, so let's start by defining what it Is, what it Is Not, and how you can become truly at peace with your body.

Nothing hurts my heart more than when someone pays me a compliment on what I'm wearing and then immediately follows it with a resigned and dejected sigh insisting, "I wish I could dress like that."  It hurts me because the idea that they can't "dress like that" is a lie they've told themselves (not society) and even though it's making them miserable, they're clinging so tightly to it that when I tell them it's not true, they rush to defend the lie.  When I created this blog in 2014, it was after years of self-hatred and struggle.  After finally achieving respect for my body and acceptance of my appearance and being finally at peace with myself including my flaws, I wanted to talk honestly with others about how they too could achieve this body positivity.  When I spoke about addressing my flaws, people were upset.  They thought I was in crisis and needed reassurance.  I wasn't and I didn't.  I was simply being honest about the fact that I have flaws and seek to minimize them, and it made people uncomfortable.  People don't want the truth.  Things like: you have control, this problem is yours not society's to address, you are beautiful,  perfection is unattainable but if you're unhappy you can do/be better, are all basic truths that seem to make people feel very uncomfortable.  It's no wonder that the truth of body positivity was twisted into a palatable deception.

 

Here's what body positivity is Not: Body Positivity is NOT Fat Positivity.  Several decades ago society openly rejected the extreme skeletal thinness that the fashion world promoted and countless thousands of young girls began starving themselves to achieve.  There was this brief moment of real sizes, real women, but it didn't last long.  Instead the pendulum swung to the other extreme.  While it's perfectly true that there is an acceptable range of healthy sizes there are extremes on ends of the body weight spectrum and one is just as appalling as the other.  When I look at the so called Fat Positive talking heads I see an image just as ghastly as the Pro-Ana pushers.  They are both merchants of death; do not believe their lies.  It's called morbid obesity because it will kill you.  At the opposite end of that spectrum, Anorexia/Bulimia will kill you.  They are both self-hatred and the people who claim that this is beautiful are miserable.  They're controlled by their addictions, their illness, they hate their bodies and themselves.  And yet they continue to draw people in who are looking for soft lies instead of hard truths.

If that's what body positivity is not, then the second part of that is this:  You Cannot Tell Other People What They Find Attractive.  The fact is that there is an instinct within human beings to find healthy bodies attractive.  This instinct is for mating and survival and has served a very valuable purpose.  And what's healthy is and always has been on quite a varied range but I can assure you that morbid obesity and skeletal emaciation are not in that range.  One of the main demands of the fat positive movement is that other people are required to find them attractive.  If ever there was an exercise in futility it is this and it will keep you in a constant state of outrage that will make you uglier than any number on the scale could ever do.  The only person you have and should ever want to have control over is yourself.  What you cannot do is control the opinions of every other person in the world and quite frankly only a selfish, tantrum throwing little monster wishes to do so.  Screaming at people to find someone beautiful or else be labeled a hate monger and a bigot is for hate mongers and petty tyrants.  Don't waste your time or energy on something as foolish as that.   Life is fleeting and time is precious, so devote yourself to things in which you can truly make a difference and effect positive change, and the best place to start is with yourself.  Become someone who is truly Body Positive.

So if that's what we want to avoid, then What is body positivity?  Body positivity is an honest, unemotional look at your body.  It's recognizing what makes you look and feel your best and then having the confidence to wear it.  When it comes to the human body, there is no such thing as perfection.  If there were, we wouldn't have photoshop and all those stupid apps.  The fact is you have flaws.  Don't cry about it; accept it.  Once you accept it you can learn how to address those flaws.  You also (fanfare plays!) have strengths.  I think for many women it's easier to see the flaws and much harder to recognize and own your strengths, but I promise you your body has been blessed with some strong and beautiful attributes.  Accept those too.  Once you accept your strengths you can begin to accentuate them.  That's what body positivity really means.  It doesn't mean you love everything or even most things about your body.  It means an honest acceptance of your body, the good and the not-so-good and working with what you have to the best of your ability in order to present your best self.

Acceptance is the first part of body positivity; Action is the second part.  Once you have taken an honest, unemotional assessment of your features, it's time to get to work.  I can't stress enough the importance of being unemotional.  Don't look at yourself and say, I have acne; I'm ugly!  Don't try on a dress and say, I'm so fat!  Say, I have acne, so that's going to take a better skin care regimen and the right concealer.  And, that dress looks awful on me; I'm going to find something that really shows off my figure.  Pulling back your emotions is key for honest assessments.  For me, I did both a macro and micro assessment.  Micro meaning focusing just on my face/hair for make-up and macro meaning my body shape, skin tone, etc. 

In a micro assessment I saw that my eyes are one of my best features and also a source of a pretty noticeable flaw.  I have large dark eyes but I also have dark under eye circles, so when doing my make up, I really focus on my eyes.  In a macro sense, I have a pear shape.  No matter how much weight I have gained or lost, no matter how my body changed during the baby years, my shape remained the same, just at different sizes.  One of the reasons an hourglass shape has historically been considered the most attractive is that it is balanced, and balance is key, so when dressing my shape I opt for things that create more balance.  I select pieces that draw attention to the narrowest part of my waist and often wear a padded push-up bra that adds 1-2 cup sizes in order to bring a little equivalence to my shape so it doesn't look so extreme.  I avoid things that draw attention to my thighs, things that make my top look even smaller, things without a built in waist or with a drop waist.  They look awful on me because they create a more extreme imbalance.

There are things about your body you may never love, but you can love who you are and how you look and that brings a beauty all its own.  Embrace your body, your shape, your features, your size.  Downplay the flaws; celebrate the strengths.  Accept that it all comes together to make a unique person called you.  These are small things, simple things that derive from a state of honesty and peace.  And it is all within your grasp--about this, I'm 100% positive.

A Selkie Triumph

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been slammed with a lot of bad things in the last month and it's been totally overwhelming at times.  It helps when chaos overruns our lives to create pockets of order.  When defeat after defeat wearies us, it bolsters our spirits to have a little victory now and then.  For me, at this moment, when I'm surrounded by painful circumstances created by powers beyond my control which includes, my body going haywire, my recovery time stretching into eternity, and a couple of spoilt useless Texas assholes that I am unfortunate enough to live next to trying to sue me over something that could have been settled with a simple conversation if they had the spine God gave a gnat between the two of them, it really does help lift my spirits at time like this to have a minor triumph now and then and this dress is just such a triumph.

As soon as I saw the Selkie Spring '22 collection in October of 2021, I wished above all that they would release the Mucha print in a corset dress and even said so on one of the discussion boards.  I don't know if Selkie has spies or they just also came to the realization that this was a fantastic idea, but they did, in fact, release just such a dress.....but only at Antropologie.....and on the day when I was in the hospital having emergency surgery.  By the time I even knew such a dress existed, it was long since sold out.  Or was it.

Now, what I'm about to say, may sound crazy but it also worked, because here I sit with my dress, so maybe it's worth a listen.  I bookmarked the link for this dress on Anthropologie and each day first thing in the morning, I would bring up the link and then refresh it periodically throughout the day, just in case someone returned their dress and it was listed for sale again.  After about two weeks, the dress did indeed appear.  But, I was at work.  I rushed to retrieve my wallet and when I returned there was someone at my desk needing help.  I didn't want to seem unprofessional, so I helped the person first, it took only five minutes, but by the time they left, the dress was also gone, and it was back to refreshing that link.

At long last, the dress restocked again.  Although it was not my size, it was only one size bigger (I thought), so I purchased it immediately only to receive an email to say it was "backordered," which may mean I'd get the dress or may mean it would be canceled.  Either option was just as likely as the other.  Another week passed as I waited on pins and needles and the dress finally shipped!  Initially I had arranged a trade with someone who had my size but the other person accused me of trying to cheat them before we had even got to the name and address stage of the trade and that is a huge red flag for me.  The only people that out-of-the-blue accuse strangers of cheating them are cheaters themselves.  Liars always accuse everyone of lying and thieves always think people are stealing from them.  I don't like to go back on a deal, but it was so strange that I couldn't shake the bad feeling I now had. I backed out of the trade and instead I contacted a tailor and set an appointment for this week to have the dress altered so I can wear it.  

I'm not sure how long that will take with wedding season nearly here, so I wanted to take a few photos in the spring flowers before it goes off to the tailor. I will definitely be adding straps as soon as the dress comes back, because the inside is lined with slippery nylon and seems like a slip-up waiting to happen. I truly begin to question whether these dresses are worth it with creative decisions such as this, but I do love the dress and I don't regret all the effort I put in to attaining it.  

In a world filled with things I can't control, this is something over which I can exercise a modicum of rule.  I knew going into it that it was a long shot, but I had to take the chance.  And when this dress arrived, it felt like a huge win to put in the work and see the reward.  I know it may seem silly, but we all need a win now and then, even more so when we're drowning in troubles and defeat.  Sometimes this kind of minor triumph can give us the boost we need to get back up and keep fighting all our battles, including those pertaining to cowardly Lone Star half-wits.  (I'm not speaking poorly of all Texans, only the dummies who live next door, so please don't take offense if you're also from Texas)  I may not win all my battles, but I will win a few, so I'm going to keep fighting, keep going, keep doing my best to ignore my neighbors and be patient with my body.  

 

Just as a quick review, this Mucha Corset dress has three layers: one of slick nylon as a lining and two of printed organza.  The nylon lining layer is also in the bodice which seems like it will be difficult to keep up.  It does have a sticky gel strip around the top for grip but it does nothing for me.  I will definitely be adding straps as soon as it comes back from alterations.  It has a zipper down the back and it seems to me to run bigger than my previous Selkies.  In organza I normally wear XS, but this size small fits so largely that I think I would need XXS.  As I am writing this, this dress was released a month ago and the rest of Selkie's spring '22 collection still has not been released and no firm date has been announced.   I will include the link below for Anthropologie.  Keep clicking, you never know, you may get lucky.

Shopping Info:  Selkie Mucha Print Corset Dress-$325 from Anthropologie

Another Storm

The worst of times come in waves.  One bad thing you can deal with; it's when the bad things just keep coming that you get overwhelmed.  I've been going through a season like this.  It all began on a snowy day in March and has continued to bombard me with fresh and varying sized slices of hell on a weekly basis ever since.  I could get depressed, sit in my bathrobe all day and cry--I've done a little of that.  I could get angry, scream and rage against whomever will listen--I've done a little of that too.  But, those things often don't change the situation at all and if they do it's rarely for the better.

When, not if, when these difficult times tear through our lives, the best course of action is accept them and deal with each thing one at a time until the storm clears.  I won't say you should wait it out until life returns to "normal" because life is ever changing and normal is a fluid and relative term.  The fact is when hard things happen they draw a firm line through our lives and things may never return to the way they were, but you can still have a good life and you can have peace through all the storms life throws at you.

I say this as much to myself as to anyone else.  You've heard the old superstition that bad things happen in threes?  Well, at this moment I'm looking at three in the rearview as things continue to happen.  It all rings too familiar to that upcoming anniversary of six years ago when my life really did change horrifically.  And yet, even knowing that now things may always be worse than they were before, here I am.  Still going forward.  

I am, as the fella once said, Hard pressed but not crushed, knocked down but not out.  So, this time just as in the past, I'm going to get up and keep going, hold onto my peace and my joy because those things aren't dependent on my circumstances or my situation.  And one moment at a time, I'll weather this storm like the others, as best I can.

Bright Ideas

I've been kicking a concept around for the past year or so and I think it's finally time to take it past the conceptual stage and actually start working on it.  Today's outfit is just the beginning of what I'm going to call "Bright Academia."

Dark Academia is all well and good, but I need colors in my life particularly at the end of what was beginning to feel like a never ending winter.  I'm still hammering out the aesthetic, but this jist of it is Academia but cheerful.

If you're not familiar with Academia, it's always given me the vintage vibes, 1940s style feels.  And Dark Academia really just felt like Vintage meets Harry Potter.  I love it, I really do, I just need a broader spectrum of hues in my wardrobe than Dark Academia offers.  I'm still working on it, but everything is blooming outside so I thought this would be the perfect day to roll out this idea.  Plus, it still fits in with All Dresses April.

Shopping Info:  Pink Lace top from SheIn.com, Bettie Page Heels, Ondine Corduroy Pinafore from Princess Highway

Kate Hepburn Meets Kate Middleton

Of all the dresses in my collaboration with Carlie Carson, this Vintage Camel dress is the best blend of Kate Middleton and Kate Hepburn vibes.

Like the previous dresses in this collab this dress has the perfect pencil skirt to it that hugs my curves without that awful puckering across the front when a company cuts corners.  Not so with Carlie Carson, which is why I love all their dresses! 

But, this dress also has this very interesting pleated bodice with a lovely rhinestone studded collar button and matching smaller cuff buttons.  Little details like that make all the difference.  In addition to the style and the cut, this dress is also comfortable, with a casual fit but a classic style and I adore this color.

All Dresses April has certainly started strong.  I have so loved all these dresses from CarlieCarson.  They've added such class and elegance to my wardrobe.  It's been a wonderful collaboration and the first of many I hope.  

Shopping Info:  A similar style to this Vintage  Camel dress is the Peach Delight Dress-$124 from CarlieCarson.com