What's Underneath Counts

Caution!  Ginormously Long Post Ahead and it will contain underwear pics! 

Ages ago during a beautiful spring, just before Easter, I was shopping with a close friend on a busy Saturday, trying to find a pretty dress for Easter services.  All the dressing rooms were full and we both needed to try on a dress, so we decided to share a dressing room.  During the course of changing I noticed the sorry state of my friend's undergarments.  Old, discolored from so many washings, elastic exposed and well past its prime, I casually remarked, "Girl, we need to get you some new undies while we're here.  Yours have given up the ghost."  She laughed and replied, "I know, they look awful, but no one sees them."  

If my dear friend had self-esteem to spare I would have let things go at that, but she didn't.  This became more and more evident each time she tried on a dress, looked in the mirror, her shoulders would slumped and she gave a depressed sigh.  When she wasn't clad in a potential dress, she didn't look in the mirror at all.  It wasn't just that my friend didn't like her underwear, she didn't like her body and that made her not like herself.  Her underwear, was just a reflection of all that.

You've probably heard it said that looks don't matter, it's what underneath that counts.  Well, I'd agree to this statement on more than one level.  It is definitely more important to be a kind person than it is be a cruel beauty.  Yes, vanity can have a much nicer veneer than humility but just below the surface you may find that the appeal dissipates if there's nothing of substance to give it roots.  However, the opening statement of this post is only half the story.  When my friend said that what's under her clothes didn't matter because no one would see it, she wasn't being honest.  She saw it and she was depressed at what she saw.

Most women believe that pretty underwear is something you splurge on only when you're trying to impress your romantic partner.  Not so, ladies.  Who you're with should make zero difference on what you wear and that includes underwear.  You are reason enough and special enough.  You don't have to wait for someone else to find your body worthy before you show it some attention.  And you don't have to sacrifice comfort for style.  When I started writing this post, it was early March, pre-surgery, and I was wearing all my vintage style undergarments.  After my surgery, I was in so much pain from the incisions (yes, you can see one scar under my navel, I decided not to photoshop it out) that I needed comfortable clothes, and my Wireless Bras and Seamless Briefs from Forlest were the only thing that made me feel comfortable and pretty.  With so many affordable styles to choose from for coverage and support, this is one collaboration that was truly a life-saver.

The simple fact is that people most often dress in a way in which their outward appearance is a reflection of their inward attitudes about themselves and their lives.  That's why we very rarely see a very ill person walking down the street and say, "Wow!  You look amazing!"  No, we often say, "You look like you feel awful, please go home."  You look like you feel.  And to that end, not looking at yourself at all, as my friend did in the dressing room, says volumes more.  It says that you don't feel worthy of even your own attention.

I'm not an advocate of self-love because the end of that path is narcissism, but I am an advocate of self-acceptance because the end of that pathway is peace. In a Christian sense, (Is she really talking Christian morals while posting panty pics?! Uh, yeah, because all of my underwear covers more than the average swimsuit.  They're tasteful, modest, pretty, and they're important and it's completely on-topic.)  we are tasked with treating our bodies as temples (not as Idols to be worshipped, but as sacred and to be respected) as things that belong to someone else, someone whom we dearly love.  So we are to care for our bodies with all seriousness.  If you were taking care of a car for someone you really and truly loved and respected, would you trash it, neglect it?  Or, at the other end of the spectrum, would you pay a fortune for a great paint job and then put cheap fuel in it?  No, you would treat the inside and the outside with equal care.

In the same way that the right dress makes you feel beautiful, the right undergarments not only can make that dress look even better, but also make you feel beautiful no matter what's on the outside (I'm thinking of you, drab work uniform). There is something about wearing beautiful, feminine under garments that adds that little confidence boost, that small dose of self esteem because, no matter what you have to put on the outside, your uniform, or your work clothes, underneath it all you look beautiful and sexy as hell.  You know it, and because you know it, you'll act like it even if no one ever sees it but you.

Beyond all of this, it's time to accept that your body is not perfect, because no one's is. But, it is beautiful; you are beautiful.  You are worthy, and you have something to offer the world.  It's time to start acting like it and dressing like it.  Sometimes in taking that first step of choosing and then wearing beautiful under and outer garments, you're planting a seed of care and acceptance in yourself that will grow into confidence and esteem for the person your are and the body you have.  If all of this has struck a chord with you, then this is your time.  Buy something pretty to wear under your clothes.  And, I don't just mean one special thing.  No, buy a week's worth of pretty undergarments and make them your go-to on a daily basis.  Victoria's Secret is the pillar in pretty under things, but there are other options.  Adoreme.com offers sets and club pricing. Forlest is the queen of affordable comfort with wireless bras and seamless briefs that feel like a second skin.  PlayfulPromises.com offers vintage and modern pieces.  Is it pricey?  Yeah, a little.  Is it worth the way it makes you feel?  Yeah, absolutely.

Undeterred by my friend's casual dismissal of the sad state of her undergarments, after we had both selected dresses, I marched her (in a very kind way) over the lingerie department and helped her select three sets of bras and panties.  She was bashful about the whole thing, but in the end she conceded.  I saw her for lunch a week later and noticed that she sauntered into the restaurant, shoulders back, a pleased glow on her cheeks.  "How are you?" She began.  I eyed her for a moment; something was different about her demeanor.  "You're wearing the new underwear, aren't you," I asked.  "Yes!" she squealed, "and I love it!  It makes me feel so pretty!"  What a big difference made by something so basic.  Even now, all these year later I hear her tell other women about the importance of buying pretty under things and the difference it can make in the way you see yourself, even if no one else ever sees it.

Shopping Info:  Dust blue and nude Bras are Jelly Gel Sophia Wire-free Bras-$39, Peach Juice Bra is the Nora Nonfeel 3 Hooks Bra-$37, Black Bra is the Mable Skin-friendly Stretch Sexy Bra-$39, and Briefs are the Anti-Bacterial Premium Mid-Waist Nonfeel Classic Brief-$15 all from Forlest.com, The Tempest Basque-$89, most bras, and French Knickers are by Bettie Page  from PlayfulPromises.com, Girdles is by KissMeDeadly, Stockings are from PlayfulPromises.com  Use my link and save $5 off your first purchase at Playful Promises.

A Belated Mother's Day Wish

This post is coming a little late, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about Mother's Day.  Suddenly, Mother's Day has become one of those holidays that desperate people are trying to make all-inclusive, all-encompassing, and in doing so, they rob it of any meaning or significance.  Over the Mother's Day weekend I saw multiple posts pop up in my feed about how we shouldn't say Happy Mother's Day or post photos of our families doing nice things for us, because we don't want to offend women who, for whatever reason, whether within their control or beyond it, are not mothers.  I also saw ads that desperately attempted to completely commercialize this holiday (as if the commercialization of Christmas & Valentine's Day wasn't enough).  The ads said, send mom quick cash for mother's day, and buy mom lingerie for mother's day, and featured products geared toward "Pet mamas" and "Plant mamas," etc, etc.  It's so absurd, and important to keep in mind that most of this is due to the advertisers creating these things to make more money.  Moms don't want cash or undies for Mother's Day. What they would really love is their family thinking of them and giving them their undivided attention for an afternoon; I'm sure they'll love that more than anything material.

In some ways I understand the need to exercise some control in our lives. Holidays like Valentine's Day and Mother's Day have an element of powerlessness to them and that makes us feel very vulnerable.  We must have certain relationships in place, (romantic for Valentines, and familial for Mother's Day) in order to take part.  We are then dependent on others to express feelings for us and make gestures of love.  And if those conditions are not met, we feel left out, rejected.  So, in order to feel in-control people create "Galentine's Day" and "Self-Love Valentine's Day," and now "Happy Mother's Day to Plant Mamas and Pet Mamas" so that everyone feels included.  But these holidays aren't about inclusivity.  They are by their very nature exclusive.  They take a certain thing, like being a mother, and set it apart in order to celebrate it.  

Not only does all-inclusivity rob the meaning from those holidays, but it adds no real value to the lives of those who in engage in it.  The thing is, in doing this, they're really only exposing themselves as being unfulfilled and insecure.  While it is true that there are people who will try to lord over you what they have and you don't, it's also true that if you don't want what they have, it won't bother you when they act like jerks and try to hold it over your head.  If people weren't insecure, they wouldn't be offended or feel rejected on a day not intended for them, in the way that I don't feel hurt when no one gives me a tree on Arbor Day because I do my own gardening, but also because I don't care about Arbor Day.  

This co-opting of a sacred term for menial purposes is insulting to every woman who has ever been in the trenches of pregnancy, the adoption process, and child raising.  It's akin to walking up to a WWII veteran who landed on the beaches of Normandy and saw most of his friends and fellow soldiers gunned down and saying, "I hear ya, man, I had a big argument on twitter and won, so I know exactly what you went through.  I'm a meme war veteran."  You see how laughable the comparison is.

I never minded celebrating Mother's Day even though I wasn't a mother until I reached a certain age, was in a committed relationship, and suddenly wanted to have a family.  Then each year that passed without children was slightly remorseful to me on that day, and it didn't help when I went out with a big family group to celebrate all the moms and we all wished everyone happy mother's day.  A certain grandmother turned, looked directly at me and loudly said, "Yes, Happy Mother's Day,.....well, to those of us who are mothers."  I was the only female present who had never had children.  (2 Fun Facts: 1. My grandmother and I are not close, can you tell? 2. Growing up, she made me cry a lot.)  That moment, the intention behind those words from someone who chose to be cruel,  hurt a little, but was really part for the course in our relationship. What really hurt was the attention drawn to the fact that I wanted a family and didn't have one yet.  I wasn't even very close at that point and I had to think about some things.

The hard truth is this:  People who care for plants aren't mothers.  People who care for pets aren't mothers.  If you don't believe me, ask your plant or your dog if they will visit you in hospice care when you're 80 or hold your hand as you leave this life, or raise their own children with the memory of what you taught them and all you sacrificed. *spoiler: they won't.  Mothers are mothers.  Mother's Day is for mothers.  And that is all.  Valentine's Day is about celebrating love.  You don't have to wait until you're in a romantic relationship to tell people how much you love them and celebrate the day, and you don't need a Galentine's Day to do it either.  That may be over compensating.  Love people and tell them so.  If you're not a mother and want to be, work on that.  If it's beyond your control, make peace with that.    

Mother's day is for mother's and if you aren't one, deal with it and then make this holiday about other people, about celebrating the mothers, grandmothers, step-mothers, etc. in your life instead of celebrating yourself.  Don't change the day until it loses all meaning, change yourself until you find the meaning in it all.

Quiet, Lovely Things

I spent my morning doing pleasant things like feeding the chickens, chasing down an adorable baby bunny that had escaped from his mother and his house to take stroll in the wide world and munch on my garden whenever he got hungry.  I swept the oak tassels from the front steps, and petted our dusty black cat and then did a little yoga in the mild morning breeze.

We have hatched our second batch of chicks this week and the constant chirping of eight little chickens is a very pleasant sound, especially when combined with the birds outside and the lovely May breeze rustling the old autumn leaves.

I took a walk, ate my favorite lunch, and then had tea and cookies while I looked out the window and listened to the birds.  I wish, I dearly wish, that most of my days could be spent this way, but this was, in fact, a treat that becomes rarer each week.

So, once again, I find myself just taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time, stopping to savor the good and peaceful times, making them last as long as possible.

Just a little side note in all this calm revelry.  Since I liked my Mucha cottage puff so much, I decided to purchase a Kilburn Wildflower cottage puff too.  Admittedly, I love this print on cotton far more than on the organza where it looks more green than white, but the tummy poof still bothers me.  Fortunately, this pink wrap belt that I bought to go with the Mucha print looks just as lovely with wildflowers.

And, since my yard is currently at its most lovely with all these many purple wildflowers, I thought perhaps today would be the perfect time to take a few pics of this pretty dress and the difference a belt can make on this silhouette.

Shopping Info:  Selkie Kilburn Wildflower Cottage Puff-$265 at www.boho-chic-clothing.com, Pink belt from Shein.com

The Annual Update

 We can't handle deceit or betrayal.

The people I've seen who've been really hurt have been hurt most by deceit. That's worth thinking about.

You get walloped by life. There's absolutely no doubt about that. But I thought for a long time that people can handle earthquakes and cancer, and even death.

But they can't handle betrayal, and they can't handle deception.

People can't handle having the rug pulled out from underneath them by people they love and trust. That does them in, you know? It makes them ill. It hurts them. Psychophysiologically, it damages them.

But more than that, it makes them cynical, bitter and vicious and resentful.

And then they also start to act all that out in the world, and that makes it worse. ~J.P.

Do you see her?  Innocent, happy, foolish, blind.  She thinks her world is very nearly perfect...except for....? there it is, just in the peripheral, never able to see it directly, but she can't shake the feeling that something is looming. Something is wrong.  She dismisses, she denies, she feels guilty for ever letting herself think those things.   And, yet.

In the quiet moments, when she's all alone, which she finds herself having more and more, her thoughts always return to this underlying unease.  This poor stupid girl is about to die a thousand deaths all at once and then over and over again.  Every day.  For the rest of her life.  When you see her six years later, (this very month in fact), it's not that girl anymore.  That girl is gone.  And she will not come back.

Six Years Later.  All I can say is that there is a life after trauma.  I've stopped waiting to feel "better" or "back to normal."  Now, I'm just living.  I'm not the person I was before, but I think I'm finally getting used to the person I am today.  The person I am today is trying to heal, to not bring more pain into the world, to not let bitterness close her heart and cloud her every interaction, to not allow cynicism to steal her joy and the joy of everyone around her.  It's a daily fight, but a worthy one.  I don't want to poison those around me.  I can't guarantee I'll make ever make the world a better place, but I can try.  And I will promise where at all possible, not to make it worse.

Trying Nuuly: Outfit 5

 

Perhaps the only other dress in my Nuuly order that was so tempting for me to buy was this 18th Mini Dress by Selkie.  While I don't love the lace around the neck, the colors are so lovely although not terribly well portrayed in these photos.  For myself, I liked the dress, but on my daughters, I absolutely loved the dress!   Note the appearance of my taffy tom cat back there.  He really needs for you to see him, but he doesn't want to seem like he needs you to see him, so he bombed the photo and then looked away.

If you are looking for a Selkie dress, the money you can save can make a Nuuly account truly worth it.  To purchase this dress, it would cost $133.25.  Factor in the $88 rental fee divided by six items (88/6 is about $14.60) added to the purchase cost and you have $147.85.  Given that this dress cost $325 from Selkie, you're saving $177.15 (that's a little over 50%)  off the retail cost and it's very likely that you'll get a new or nearly new dress.  

This officially wraps up my shopping experience with Nuuly and overall, I would say that it was positive.  If there is a downside, I would say that I wish I could keep everything for six weeks instead of four.  Since it took nearly a week to arrive, I feel like I barely had a chance to wear everything before it was time to send it back, but oh well.  I did enjoy having new things in my wardrobe to try out and maybe they'll release some other little gems that will make me want to try this again soon.

Trying Nuuly; Outfit 4

 

As much as I am enjoying having this selection of pretty dresses to wear and return to Nuuly, I appreciate it all the more because everything is just perfect for this beautiful spring weather.  So many airy floral prints like this Floral Ruffled Mini Dress by Current Air.

Over the winter I did far fewer collaborations than I've done in the previous years, but I just found myself tired of the cold and the pressure of so many deadlines.  I needed a break.  Now spring is here and I haven't really found my interest in taking on tons of collab projects again.  Sure, a few are nice, but I'm being a little more selective.  To that end, having these new-to-me outfits to do at my leisure has been so lovely, it's reminded me of the old days, when it was just me with a dress, and the self-timer on my camera, taking pics whenever I had a free moment. I've really missed that and it's nice to have it back again.

Trying Nuuly: Outfit 3

Growing up, my mother had this massive walk-in closet that despite all my searching and wishing, did not contain a magical entrance to Narnia.  Rather my mother's closet was more like a time capsule.  All of the oldest clothes were at the front and began in the late 1970s all the way to the newer clothes at the back which finally ended in the late 1990s.  The sizes at the front were smaller and as one worked her way to the back, the sizes got larger.  But, my mother kept all the clothes because she liked them, she had the space, and she hoped that one day she would be able to fit into them again.  To her dismay that did not happen and eventually my parents moved to a smaller house with smaller closets and the great clean-out commenced with decades of clothes either being donated or thrown away.  Since my mother and I were never the same size at the same time and since the 1970s were never my favorite style decade, I never really borrowed her clothes.  So, I had no experience with this phenomenon and didn't expect it of my own daughters.  Oh, how foolish I was.  

One thing I am really excited for with my Nuuly rentals is that I can loan them to my daughters and Nuuly will take care of the laundry.  Not only can I let them wear these things, but I want them to.  I want each of these beautiful pieces to get as much wear as possible in the brief amount of time there are with me.  Gone are the days of walking in on a child furiously scrounging through my wardrobe, arm stuffed full of clothes like an autumn squirrel stuffs its cheeks with nuts, hoping to get out with as much as possible before she gets caught.  With Nuuly, we open the box together and I offer to share with them as much as possible.  Except the Selkie Mucha dress, that one's just mine.

Trying Nuuly: Outfit 2

Day 2 with Nuuly and I can tell you that one thing I already love is the fact that I have fewer decisions to make each morning.  That's right, when things are at their most chaotic at my house, I have a little more peace because I don't have to stand in the doorway of my tiny closet that houses my massive wardrobe and try to pull something together.  

Normally my mornings are so crazy that if I want to make it out the door on time, I have to do some advance planning.  But, now I don't even have to get my outfit put together the night before, which is what I usually do.  No, instead, I have six options on what to wear and I'm going to wear them every week, over and over until it's time to send them back.

Today I'm wearing the Floral Swing Dress by Current Air.  It retails for $127, but I'm renting it for about $15.  I love the look, it's so light and flowy and there's just enough 1930s flare to suit my whole vintage vibe.

Trying Nuuly: Outfit 1

Desperate for the Mucha Cottage Puff, I came across a rental shop that had the desired dress for a very reasonable purchase price.  In order to get said dress, though, I had to sign up  for at least a one month rental term.  Desperate for this cottage puff and tired of waiting on Selkie, I decided to try Nuuly.com. 

Nuuly.com is a fashion rental service and here's how it works:  Sign up to rent.  Choose any six items from Nuuly, add them to your cart and checkout.  Your rentals should arrive in 3-5 days and you get to keep them for one month.  You can extend your rental time or even purchase your favorites for a fraction of the retail price.  If you don't see anything you love or need a break, you can pause your rental agreements for 1-3 months or cancel if things just aren't working out. 

I placed my Nuuly order on a Saturday and my bundle arrived on the following Thursday.  Apparently UPS had some mechanical error which led to a 1-2 day delay in delivery, otherwise it would have arrived sooner.  Me being me, I chose six dresses, starting with this Alva Dress by  Let Me Be.  It retails for $315 though I could tell that the one I received has been worn and laundered a few times.  Never the less, I'm looking forward to wearing all these dresses as much as possible and I'll be posting a new Nuuly outfit each day.  

Of course, if you're the impatient type, you can watch my full review on my YouTube channel, but be advised, in my haste to do the outfit changes, I think I put a couple of things like this particular dress, on backwards.

Keep Your Peace

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." ~ John Lennon

While I am in no way a fan of John Lennon, his music, his life, or his hollow absurd philosophies, even a stopped clock is right twice a day and to that end, in this one particular instance, J.L. got it right.  Life is what happens while you're distracted and busy trying to muddle through.

There are seasons of life, of course.  Some are busier or stormier than others.  It seems to me that ever since my children have been old enough to walk and talk, the busy part never lets up.  And recently, we as a family went through a very difficult time that I hope, after eight weeks is finally reaching an end.  During that time, there were many sleepless nights, lots of silent worrying, and a few frustrated outbursts as we struggled together and alone to deal with all the things that were thrown at us at once.  

Even in the midst of all that, I managed to find moments of peace, moments that reminded me to step out of the chaos and remember that there was a great big world outside of my troubles and all this would pass with time.

So, in the middle of the physical malady, transportational collapse, and the absolutely needless heartache caused by spoiled, selfish Texans, I took time to step away from it all and sit in front of my window to look at the world beyond and enjoy.  I cooked a few of our favorite meals, I doled out a few extra hugs for my children and Mr. B and I shared the blessings of our farm with co-workers.

The only time when all hope is truly lost, is when you stop trying.  It's all over in that moment.  So, the very best thing to do when the darkness is all around you is to be a light, even a very small light if that's all you can muster for the moment and it only shines enough for the one step in front of you.  Shine that light, take that step, keep moving forward, and don't forget to see the precious and beautiful things all around you as you go.  

There is always something demanding your time, your attention, your worry, your care.  Step back from it as much as you can and learn to enjoy life even when it's hard, even when it hurts, before it all slips away while you were busy getting by, getting through, and making other plans.

shopping info:  Timeless Scarlet Dress from Teuta Matoshi.  Use my link to save 10%.  Click first, then shop.