Tout casse, Tout lasse, Tout passe

I've always struggled to maintain friendships.  Growing up, it seemed like at the beginning of every school year I had to make new friends because my old friends moved away over the summer.  There were a few years where I kept the same friend, her name was Julie and she was a doll, but then she too moved away.  Then there were the mean girl years when I thought I could be a lackey or even a queen bee but ended up being the girl who got so brutally bullied that I spent every lunch alone in my mom's office for the whole 6th grade year and every time I did make a new friend that year, the mean girl bunch came along and lured her away.  My mind turned to some pretty dark thoughts and certain opinions about myself being ugly, unworthy, etc. became very deeply ingrained from that awful year.  It was so devastating to see each friend ditch me again and again for the mean girl crowd, that I developed some serious trust issues too.  And I always wondered what was wrong with me or what I was doing wrong that no one ever chose me over those awful girls.   Incidentally these girls also went after every boy that I developed a crush on as soon as they found out and also successfully managed to win their hearts as well, so yeah, trust issues across several strata.

Grades 7-10 were a lot better as hormones settled down a bit with me managing to keep a basic core group or an evolving rotation of fun people until I hit a wall in my personal life and decided not to return to public school.  I remember the night before school was set to start, telling a friend on the phone that this was it, all my high school friendships were over because if I wasn't at school, I would be forgotten.  My friend said I was being ridiculous and I really wanted to believe that.  I did get one phone call from the HS friends and one invitation to hang out after that.  And then none of them ever called me again.  They forgot about me.  And that felt OK because it seemed like we were really just friends of necessity/convenience anyway.  As an adult I moved A Lot, like every 6 months to a year, and told myself that if I wanted to make friends I could, but I was just too busy or these weren't my kind of people.  Then when my children came along I found that I suddenly did need other mom friends in my life and set out to make them only to find out the very hard way that not only is it not easy for me, but as it turns out I really suck at making friends.  As  much as I would love to continually blame circumstances beyond my control, at a certain point it becomes undeniable that I am the common factor in all my friend problems.

At first I thought that problem lay in the fact that I am an introvert who only wanted one lifelong bosom friend but somehow always managed to befriend the social butterfly who collected (and then discarded) friends like a child collecting shells on the beach and usually used me as a stepping stone on his or her way to better and cooler (or just different) people.  But since I was drawn to that kind of person I was partly to blame; I accepted that and I decided to not cling too tightly to my friends, especially the outgoing types.  Then I kind of went overboard in the complete opposite direction and was very aloof, especially with boyfriends, sometimes not speaking to the person I was dating for a week at a time. One boyfriend moved to another state and it was a month before I realized it.  I didn't want to be constantly texting and calling because I thought maybe I had been too clingy and that's what drove my previous friends away in the first place.  But under this new methodology, I didn't keep friends or boyfriends either.  It seemed like if I wasn't constantly in contact or available to hang out, they pretty quickly moved on and forgot about me.  Couldn't they just be secure in the fact that we're friends without us having to talk and do stuff all the time?  Obviously neither extreme is the place to be if one wants to keep friends and somehow I had missed the middle of the road on friendship.

 

I bring it up because, well, it's happened again.  After all those years of turmoil I completely gave up and then found some really wonderful friends when I wasn't even trying.  I had a good long span of time where I had found the balance on communication and I thought I was past all the hard stuff.  I felt like I had made some very good friends, some solid relationships over the course of many years, and now they're suddenly, and unrelated to each other, nearly all gone again.  And this time, I don't even know if I'm sad about it.  Some people are blessed with that best friend for life; some are able to be the social butterfly and float from friend to friend with ease.  I am neither of those.  I am beginning to think I am the kind of person who is just meant to walk their path alone although I welcome a little company from time to time.  I understand now that our time together is limited, so that I can fully enjoy their company while it lasts and freely release them when it's time to go.

Is there something wrong with me?  Maybe.  Or maybe this is just my personality type and I'm really not so alone in feeling this way and struggling in this area as I think.  Were these friendships ending my fault?  It is statistically impossible that I am not to blame to some degree, and in two out of three cases I know that I bear part of the responsibility and I'm willing to admit that.  I also feel after much consideration that I have walked alongside these dear people for a while now, maybe it's time to let go and be alone again for a while.  That's just the ebb and flow of relationships, at least in my life and I've reached an age where I have given up on trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong or right and just accepted that friendships are hard for me and something that I'm not likely to ever be good at, but saying goodbye and being alone are things I've become extremely good at and thankfully so, because it has made it much easier to bear when friendships end.

As much as I wish this post had some uplifting message to it, it's really just a reality check.  I heard a French proverb a long time ago that I have held close to my heart for times like this and it goes: "Tout casse, tout lasse, tout passe." - "Everything breaks, everything fades, everything passes."  Hearts break, friendships fade, loneliness passes just like everything else.  But there's another old saying I'd like to add to it:  every time a door closes, somewhere a window opens.  You see even though these relationships are ending, just the other day I reached out to form a new friendship and I'm hopeful that it will be meaningful and special to both of us for as long as it lasts.  It's possible that it will amount to nothing at all and that's ok too.  My time of socializing may be over for now but even if I am on my own for a while this season of solitude will pass as well.  Whatever is on the way, I am trying to just be open to it, to enjoy the positive aspects and manage the negative and know in my heart that life is ever-changing and new things are always on the way.