Is Thrifting Better?

The internet started out as such a fun thing.  It was a quirky little place where you could have fun and meet people or find things that were unusual.  It quickly became a way for everyone to be in everyone else' business and all these strangers seem to think they know what's best for everyone else.  Eesh!  Thrifting seems to be another one of those topics which sparks some pretty intense emotions, especially from people who seem to think that buying second hand gives them a moral advantage over everyone who does not.  

So, here's the deal with thrifted stuff--it really is NOT a MORAL ISSUE.  Like nearly everything else it's not a matter of right or wrong, but merely a matter of each individual weighing out the pros and cons, factoring in their own budget, lifestyle, item availability, goals, and personal beliefs.

1.  It is cheaper.  Yes, when you buy things second hand, they cost a little bit to significantly less.  And it is incredibly fun and satisfying for bargain hunters such as myself to find a beautiful piece at a great price.  The trade off for many things in thrift shops though is that the price is reduced based on how much life they have left in them.   Items that have been worn and well loved may be on their last leg, and it has happened more times than I care to recall that I bought something second hand and it tore or fell apart within just one to two wears, so it was basically wasted money.

2.  Brand names will always cost more.  Yes, even thrifted, brand names tend to cost more.  And, yes, as mentioned above you can score an amazing bargain now and again, so never give up.  However, every time I go into my local thrift shops, I find things with brand name tags on them and hefty price tags to match that are stained, faded, or have holes in them,  I've even found some things that should have been thrown away, but they were still put on the thrift rack and still cost a lot because they're a name brand.  Now and then you can find good bargains, and it never hurts to keep an eye out, just be a savvy shopper and if you wouldn't buy it without the label, don't buy it just because of the label. I mention this because I paid $35 for this Anthropologie red shirt dress thrifted and it arrived from a major thrifting company with all of the above flaws, it is stained, has holes, and is faded in spots.  But, because it's Antro, they sold it and I very stupidly bought it thinking it was just a good price, not in horrible condition.

3.  Someone has to pay full price. Clothes can't just start out in thrift shops so we can all buy second-hand.  While it's wonderful to reuse items of clothing and save landfills from unused fast or slow fashion, the simple matter is that someone out there has to pay full price and then eventually decide to either donate or resell that article of clothing in order for others to get a good thrifty deal because companies can't afford to start out their products at thrift prices and we can't endlessly recycle the current clothing in the world.  So, the idea that we should all be thrifting all the time has some serious logic flaws. 

Personally, I love to combine all forms of shopping to have a wardrobe I love at prices I can afford.  Sometimes I thrift, sometimes I buy new, and sometimes I pay through the nose to support a small batch local brand.  Sometimes I resell my expensive stuff, sometimes I donate.  None of those options make me a good or bad person.  And while I am all for thrifting, there is no such thing as a perfect or one-size-fits-all solution to anything.  Do what works best for you and don't worry too much about the rest.

Outfit Info:  Thrifted Anthro Shirt dress, Samantha Pleet Illuminated Corset,

 flats from Shoe Carnival

A Season for Change

You may remember me talking about a teacher that I had years ago who was cute and petite and way too old to try to wear that plaid skirt outfit from Clueless, at least that was the general sentiment expressed by many of her fellow teachers.  Well, I saw that teacher the other day and twenty years later she looks exactly the same.  Most people take that as a compliment when someone says they haven't changed, and in a way it is.  She's still petite, and she looks amazing, especially for a gal who is now in her 60s and had one of her grandchildren on her hip when I saw her.  The trouble is she hasn't changed.  Her hair is the same color, same cut.  Her make up is the same.  Her clothes are the same.  Her style is the same.

Not three days after seeing her, I saw another teacher of mine.  This one was a kindergarten teacher and she too had not changed a bit.  In fact I'd say she'd aged even less, and her clothing style and hair cut remained exactly the same since the 1980s.  I see this happen with so many people, men and women alike: at some point they get stuck in one thing and stay there. 

For whatever reason, at some point many people decide that this is them at their best--best style, best hair, best weight, and they stay there.  I know we all fear change, but it's really not such a bad thing in many ways.  I'm just as guilty of snuggling in to my comfort zone and having a heck of a time getting out of it.  The thing is that changes don't always pay off.  A few years ago I took the plunge and bleached my hair blonde.  It's something I've always wanted to try, so I did.  All these years later, I realized I still trying to get back to my hair the way it was before the bleach.  

However, along the way to getting back to the way my hair was, I have had lots of fun hair cuts and tried new styles.  I have had lots of fun trying different colors.  And lastly, after finally deciding to stop all heat styling and hair coloring and just grow my hair out, I have realized that it has become so grey that it's acutally never going to look the way it was before.  I guess I could be sad about that or frustrated, but it's kind of freeing acutally.  Now that that possibility has been elimated, I can just start over and do whatever I want.

Since I've been talking a lot about change, I thought I'd devote this part of the post to just sharing 5 tips on healthy change based on what I have learned not just from my little hair-journey but from all the many changes in my life in general over the past few  years: 

1.  Take it Slow:  You can start by making small changes, little by little.  It's not always necessary to go whole-hog.  In fact, studies have shown that making small changes and being consistent about keeping them yields far better results in the long term than the cold turkey/whole hog approach.

2.  Dive Right In:  That being said, sometimes you just have to jump in instead of waiting for the perfect time.  In my experience, the "perfect time" rarely presents itself.  Just pick something and get going, even if you're going slowly.

3.  You're in Control:  Whatever it is, you make the rules that work for you.  You don't always have to put so much pressure on yourself or take pressure from others.  Just do what you can handle and maintain for the best results.

4.  You're Still You:  No matter what changes you make, at your core, you're still you.  Instead of viewing these times as attempts to become someone entirely different, or even viewing them as successes or failures, try viewing them as opportunities to improve yourself and that includes learning from things that don't work out.  You're not trying to be someone else, just the best version of yourself.

5.  The Comfort Zone is Boring:  You've done comfortable.  You've done easy.  They're safe and necessary for rest and recovery in the short term, but in the long term, they're boring.  Easy and comfortable will always be there if you need to go back for break, but don't set up camp there.  Leave your comfort zone and try living life for a while.  

Outfit Info:  Shield Dress in Ivory Illuminated from Samantha Pleet, 

shoes from Honiara Vintage by Charlie Stone

The Right Kind of Envy

A reader once reached out to me for some advice about her personal style and over time our conversation blossomed into a friendship.  Being much younger than me, I loved hearing about all the ways that her life was starting out and about all her plans and dreams.  Being a cheerleader for her as she got out there and made things happen was truly an honor and I am so glad that we met and I got to know her. 

 At one point in our fashion talks, the topic of a book called Lessons From Madame Chic:  20 Stylish Secrets I Learned While Living In Paris by Jennifer Scott came up.  My penpal loved it and it had influenced her in such a way that she highly recommended that I read it too.  So, I did.  And, I loved it!  If you haven't read it, I can as whole heartedly recommend it to you as my friend once did to me.  

Of all the life lessons and tips there was just one thing in the book that stuck out to me as perhaps being a little misleading.  Since I read it years ago, I can't give you an exact quote or a page number, but it went something like this if you dress up when everyone else is not, people will likely stare and take notice because they admire your style.  Hmmm.....  While this statement is true, it's only true about 1/3 to half the time in my experience.  The rest of the time it seems like people aren't admiring you for your style or any other good thing that you have; they hate you for it.  It's something I've never understood and have puzzeled over for many years.  

 

The other day a video popped up in my YouTube feed and as I was doing a task that lent itself rather nicely to having something to listen to while I worked, I clicked and listened.  The Youtuber's name is Kiana Docherty I don't know much about her or her message, but this video was recommended and the title of the video was "They Won't All Be Happy For You."  I was intrigued, so I clicked and listened.  The title kind of says it all, but Kiana goes on to explain that there are two kinds of envy-the positive kind that motivates you to change and the negative kind that makes you hate someone else for their success while pitying yourself.  

When you see someone achieve something Positive envy will say, Hey, Good for them and you know what?  They're no different from me, so I can do it too!  Negative Envy will say, It's not fair!  They're no different than me, why do they have something and I don't?  I deserve it, not them!  Negative envy says, I hate you.  Positive Envy says, I want to learn from you.  The truly difficult thing is that if you're the one who has had the positive change, you really can't control how people will react to it.  Some people will praise you and ask for advice; some people will suddenly hate you.

 As much as we all want to believe and hope that people around us will be happy for us when we achieve something big or small instead of being jealous of us, sometimes even the people closest to us react rather selfishly.  I say it is a selfish reaction because ultimately the way we handle and perceive the success of others is based upon our own perceptions of ourselves, on how much we either value or hate ourselves.  

A person who understands that they have value and worth will react to the success of others positively and say, either Good for You!  or, If you can do it, I can do it!  And consequently this person will either befriend those she admires or else, study them from afar and learn from them.  A person who has very low self esteem and does not value their worth sees their triumphs or blessings of others and responds with jealousy, insecurity, and contempt.  They disdain the successful person and either avoid or deride them in an attempt to bring them down to their level.   It's painful, it's disgusting, and it's all too common.  The most disheartening thing of all is that I've seen it work!  I've seen people who are having some measure of success get dragged back down by the jealousy of others because they thought it was about them and not the other person.

If I ever learn the secret to getting people to value themselves and see their worth, I will definitely let you know, because that's the best solution to this problem.  Unfortunately, I haven't solved this yet, so the very best I can do is warn you or anyone who is trying to do something to make their lives better that you will face adversity and criticism from people who don't want you to have better for yourself because they don't think they deserve better for themselves.  Just know that it will happen, that it's not about you, and that you must carry on with your hard work and ignore the critiques from jealous types.

The End is the Beginning

As each year comes to a close, I often hear talk of new beginnings.  January is filled with resolutions to try harder, do better, and make changes.  I'm all for starting new things, but I always try to keep in mind that all beginnings come with endings and ending can be very hard indeed.  Perhaps that's why we don't speak of them as much as we do of beginnings.

The coming year will bring some new beginnings to each of us, and I am excited for all of them, but the other day I attended the company Christmas party and as I walked around and joked with co workers, talked with friends, I realized just how much I will miss these lovely people that I've grown to care so much about and look forward to seeing each week over the last seven years.

I wish life were filled with easy choices, but it simply isn't.  In my case, this particular decision of which job to keep wasn't between good and bad, or even between the lesser of two evils or the better of two goods.  Both jobs are wonderful and I enjoy them very much.  It all boiled down to numbers and boundaries.  One pays better and asks less, that's all.

But in that moment at that party, I really wondered if I was doing the right thing.  In my heart, I know that my time at that position is over.  I have felt for the past few months that after building it from the ground up, and getting a great program running, I don't really have anything new to offer.  I've been searching for something new to challenge me and somewhere new to be a value.  In short, I just know in my heart that it's time to move on, but I am still sad to go.

Perhaps this is why so many people say, "We'll keep in touch," even though they know they won't.  It just softens the reality of partings and endings of happy things to think in some small way we can keep that door open.  Beginnings are exciting.  And, even though they're hard, endings are a beautiful part of beginnings; they're the beginning of beginnings if you look at them from a different perspective.  As Semisonic once said, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

So, as this new year begins and the old one ends, I'll raise my glass to beginnings and the endings that make them possible.

Outfit Info: Samantha Pleet Ophelia Dress in Ivory, Honey Comb Cardigan in Honey from MAK, Qupid Heels from ModCloth are old.

Finding Time

Whatever it is you want to do with your life, please believe me when I say, You Have the Time.  

Anytime someone said, “I just don't have the time,” a certain acquaintance of mine loved to remark, “You have 24 hours in a day just like everyone else.”  This acquaintance of mine wasn't particularly wise, in fact in many ways I used his choices and attitudes as examples of what-not-to-do.  But on this one point, he was spot on, and it was irksome to everyone who heard it because it was true.  That phrase totally eliminated all excuses that we all have for not getting things done.  No one person has any more or less time than another, it's simply a matter of how we use it.  Of course we all have obligations and responsibilities that demand a certain part of our time, but what about the rest? 

Let's suppose you are a S.E.W. kind of person, meaning the only things you get done in a week are Sleep, Eat, and Work.  There are 168 hours in a week.  Let's suppose you get the recommended eight hours of sleep per night which gives you a weekly total of 56 hours spent sleeping, and let's say 21 hours each week spent preparing and consuming meals, and 40 hours spent at a full time job.  That's only 117 hours of your weekly total.  But, let's get a little more realistic about obligations and include in that total a generous nine hours for bathroom business and getting dressed/undressed, and let's say another 3 hours doing laundry, dishes, and some light cleaning and roughly 9 hours spent commuting.  That leaves 30 hours unclaimed by the “have-to's” of life.   You probably call those unclaimed hours “the weekend” but somehow those hours are full too.

What would you do with 30 extra hours?  Chances are you already have an answer.  Everyone has things they'd like to do but tell themselves they don't have time for.  Would you like to take up a hobby like painting or knitting?  Wish you could be more active and squeeze in a workout each day?  Are you staring gloomily at that microwave meal, longing to cook your own healthy gourmet meals? Thirty hours would be enough to do any--or all-- of that wouldn't it?

So, if you have that much time, why does it feel like you're always rushing around, with no time to spare?  Where is all that time going?  The first place to look is the nearest screen.  The average person in America spends 2.5 hours a day on social media, this does not include other screen time spent watching t.v., etc.   The average European doesn't fair much better.   And I would guess that most of us call that time our “winding down” from all the have-to's of the day.  The trouble is that screen time is incredibly addictive and there are more temptations to waste time than ever before.  Not only  can we watch entire t.v series all in one go, but social media, video games, and online shopping abound to draw us into a virtual world that actually leaves us feeling more drained than when we sat down.

The good news is that there is a solution to all this chaos, but it's not what most people want to hear.  The answer is self control.  Sorry, I know that sucks, but it helps to get a plan and then be committed to sticking to it. 

Decide how much time you need.  What is the minimum time commitment this new hobby or activity is going to take?  That's the place where you start and then build on from there.  When I decided to get active as a new mother, I knew I could never work out for an hour a day, all in one go, so I decided to do 30 minutes a day 4 days per week.  Then after that became part of my routine, I found time to squeeze in an extra 15 to 30 minutes a day or an extra half hour on another day or two each week.

Are you an Early Bird or a Night Owl? Your body has natural peaks in energy, some people get out of bed at 4 a.m. ready to face the day and some don't get motivated until 9 p.m. Figure out when you're are at your creative best and set aside a chunk of time to be creative.  I would caution you against letting that creative time run late so that it starts affecting your sleep.  For me, wanting to exercise, the best time was first thing in the morning.  I never have the energy at the end of the day.  On the other hand, I feel more creative at the end of the day.  I do my sewing in the evenings after dinner instead of watching t.v.

Give Yourself Room to Grow.   It's tempting to set your goals high, especially when you're excited and full of will power, but be realistic.  As I mentioned, when I first started my postnatal workouts, I wanted to work out an hour a day six days a week, but realistically I only had 30 minutes a day, sometimes less, and only 3 or four days a week.  So, in the beginning, I made my commitment 30 minutes a day for two days a week because I knew I could keep that and then begin to add on.  As life changed and my children grew, I found I had more time to exercise, but still never a whole hour at a time.  I increased my workouts to include an afternoon walk, usually with one child walking and with one in a Bjorn style carrier.  In this way I was able to meet my fitness goals over the long term and was patient with myself while I incorporated lasting change into my schedule.  For a while I struggled with a.m. depression.  I found it extremely difficult to get out of bed even one minute early in a cold dark house full of sad memories.  I was back to square one in that regard but I kept looking for a strategy that would get me moving four to six days a week again instead of two or three.   The answer to that came in the form of an even busier schedule.  No time to mope, I have to get moving now, and even earlier than ever, but it motivates me to get out of bed or not only will I not exercise, but I'll also be the last to shower which means a cold shower.  No, thank you.

Stay in the Middle.  You will likely find that as you carve out time for something you enjoy, you'll want to devote more and more time to it.  This can be a wonderful thing, but remember to stay balanced.  If you begin neglecting the have-to's for the want-to's, you're in the ditch on the other side of the road and you need to head back to the middle.  Don't skip work or neglect your family so you can do your hobby and keep your screen time.  Work and family first, then the fun stuff.  I have seen marriages fall apart because of someone's obsessive hobbying and people have lost their jobs for spending too much time goofing off instead of working.  So, be smart with how you prioritize your time.

Remember when you plunk down in front of your screen next time that your life is ending one click at a time.  One of life's major goals is to minimize regret, so that at the end of it all we don't look back and say, I wish I had done_____.   Better get out there and start doing it, whatever it is, while you have the energy and while you definitely have the time.

Shopping Info:  Ophelia Illuminated Dress from Samantha Pleet, Peacock Cardigan from YeMak, Ginger Flats from VIVAIA.