Not Everything You Lose is a Loss

Once upon a time I lost something that meant everything to me.  It was the hardest loss I've ever felt and the grief nearly killed me.  After years of replaying, reevaluating, reexamining every moment from my life, there is one thing I have come to understand and it is this:  Not everything you lose is truly a loss.

Sometimes there are things that we work so hard on, give so much to that we don't see how they're draining us, drowning us.  Sometimes it takes an accident, the use of force, or an act of God to open our eyes.  Sometimes there are poisonous things that we are holding onto so tightly, we don't even see that they're killing us.  We have to have that thing wrenched from our grasp before we can recognize the damage.

Maybe it's the career you worked so hard on and only when you were fired and looking for something new do you realize how you've neglected family and friends for a job where no one cared about you and they hired your replacement by the end of the day.  Now you look forward to long weekends with friends instead of long hours at the office.

Maybe the love of your life just left your for their secret side piece.  Oh, please let them go.  Let someone else get all their blame and put up with all their excuses.  Live your life in a way that you enjoy and maybe eventually find someone who gives as much of themselves and their heart to a relationship with you as you give.

Maybe it's the life you thought you wanted, the big apartment in the big city.  It's what you've always dreamed of, but your elderly parent needs care, so you put that dream away to take care of them.  Perhaps you will find that the time spent with them is the best you can remember in a long, long time, or perhaps you'll just find that when they do pass, you'll sleep easy at night knowing you followed your conscience instead of your former dream.

The best course of action, in my own personal experience is never to cling too tightly to anyone or anything in this life, including your own life itself.  No one stays forever and nothing stays the same forever.  Dreams change and dreams die like all other things and it is all woven into this mystery of living.

At first, I was angry, I was so deeply hurt I wanted to die and I think that part of me did die, the best part I thought, the part that was holding onto life so tightly, guarding her dreams so closely.  Too tightly,  too closely, so that in fact I wasn't holding them at all; they were holding me.  I was a prisoner to my dreams and I didn't know it until they were gone.

Sitting in the ashes, as the grief finally began to subside, I felt a lightness, a disconnection, a freedom.  Nothing was holding me now.  No dreams, no plans, no fears.  No expectations to live up to, no goals to work toward.  Nothing was left but the rest of my life to do whatever I wished, say whatever I wished, be whomever I wished.

I recently found myself faced with someone whose life was burning down around them.  The old me would have avoided this person, not wanting their pain to contaminate my life.  Current me sought this person out, extended my hand and said, let me walk with you through this.  This person, recently came to me and said, "I wouldn't have made it through that without you."  I can't imagine gaining any higher honor, any greater compliment than hearing those words.  I didn't help for glory or even a thank you, I did it because I know what it is to be in hell and have people pass you by, willfully oblivious and fearful of being contaminated by your pain.  Because I know how it feels to be in that place, I can never again, turn my face and walk by.  

No one ever thanked the person I was before.  No one remembered her when she was gone and hardly anyone noticed when she was in the room.  And then everything changed.  Did I lose my dreams?  Did lose everything that I thought mattered most?  Yes.  But in the end, it wasn't such a loss, because although things are messy and broken now, I have gained a life that matters and a heart that cares.

The only true loss would have been to continue living a life behind walls of fear, a life that made no sound, that made no difference to anyone.  I might have lost everything, but I have gained the only thing that matters.  So, if there is something  you have been grieving over it, perhaps it's time to stop.   Perhaps it's time to reevaluate what matters most and let go of the things that are only holding you back from being and doing all you were destined for.

Shopping info:  Selkie Coat of Arms Cottage Puff Dress, Shein Headband, Aliexpress bloomers

A Holistic Anniversary

I just celebrated a three year anniversary with my holistic doctor.  Maybe three years of seeing a doctor doesn't sound like cause for celebration, but in those three years, I've made some pretty big strides to better health and so we marked the occasion with a hug and promise to have cake at our next meeting.

At our previous visit, she said that I was ready to move into a cleansing phase and the best place to start was by clearing drainage pathways in my liver and lymphatic system.  She gave me three bottles of witch's brew to take for six weeks before we began the cleanse.  I don't know what kind of magic those pills worked, but for those six weeks, this lifelong insomniac slept like a dream.  I'm talking a solid 8 hours of uninterrupted blissful slumber even if I hadn't exercised and had indulged in too many sweets.  And sometimes, I even took naps!  Once I napped for three hours, got up for four hours then went back to bed and slept a full eight.  Amazing!

Those six weeks were followed by four weeks of phase 2 of the cleanse.  Now, phase 2 probably should have gone on longer, but our income has been interrupted, so I had to pause the cleanse until our funds return, but for those four weeks as well, I slept so soundly and so well it felt like a miracle.

Within a few days of pausing the cleanse, the insomnia returned with a vengeance.  I spent several nights lying awake for six hours or so, bookending the night with an hour of sleep at the beginning and an hour at the end.  As strange as it sounds, I never realized what a huge impact insomnia has had on my overall outlook on life until now.

After only two and a half months of regular sleep, when the insomnia returned I immediately noticed how depressed, anxious, irritable, and fearful I became.  A million anxious thoughts and great sadnesses from all my forty years were coming back to torment me as I lay awake and it all began by being startled by the smallest sound which caused me to yell at the perpetrator (my children making a late night snack in the kitchen) or else quietly nurse resentment through the long wakeful hours.  It was a nightmare, for lack of a better term, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

So, while I wait for the funds to open up for me to return to my holistic doc and pick up where we left off, I have resumed limiting my sugar intake, avoid caffeine altogether, and prioritize exercise throughout the day.  And, even though I have not enjoyed this experience of a return to sleeplessness,  I have come away from this experience with a new understanding of myself and my own health that I might never have gained otherwise.

Nothing worth having comes easily.  I knew that going in, in fact my doc promised me that she couldn't give me a magic pill to cure it all, that it would take a lot of work and time but I was willing to put in the time and do the hard work and I am finally seeing consistent results and I am excited to continue moving forward to live the very best life I possibly can.

Shopping Info:  dress from Chotronette

The Thrill of Country Living

Yesterday was a normal day, lots of paperwork, lots of phone calls, lots of busyness.  Everything was going as usual until we got home and saw a bear sitting in our yard.  

That's right, a bear who looked to be fairly young still and about the size of a large Rottweiler.  It was sitting on its haunches staring in the direction of our chickens, when we drove up and startled it back into the woods.  It's entirely possible that the appearance of this bear is due to all the people moving out here are making these formerly spacious woods quite crowded, but it also is likely due to how dry the summer has been.

The woods up on this mountain are normally filled with wild blackberries and wild grapes and there are plenty of little ponds too.  This year they've all dried up and the berries died by the end of June, so my guess is that wildlife like this bear, whom I have already named Joshua, are hungry and more than a little thirsty. 

I wish there was something I could do to help, but I worry that if I put out any food or water, it will keep the bear coming back and that our timorous invertebrate Texas neighbors will shoot it without cause.  (No offense to all Texans, just these two jags)  It's probably better if the bear just fends for itself and swipes a chicken or two to get by.

No one should move to the country thinking they'll have life easier.  It may be quieter at times and the pace may be slower at times, but I assure you it is a harder life and I for one am grateful for the challenge.  Sometimes the surprises out here are delightful and sometimes they're scary.  Usually they're a little bit of both which certainly helps keep the thrill of living out here alive and keeps us ever on our toes.  

Shopping Info:  Ocean Draped Hearty Dress from Teuta Matoshi.  Use my link to save 10% off your purchase.  Click first then shop.

Busyness

If there is one thing I have learned during this month of no spending it's that a large part of the reason I spend is to stay busy.  There's an addiction at work, sure, but there is also a drive to be ever creating something.  I shop for odds and ends for craft or sewing projects I'm working on.  I shop for accessories to create the perfect outfit composition for photographing.  I shop to sample new designers so I can make a video reviewing them.  Busy, busy, busy.  I shop to stay busy and this month without it had me biting my nails and pacing the floors for the first couple of weeks.

I'm learning to make the most of my idle time now as I cannot stand the idea of just sitting.  So, instead of shopping or even outfit blogging/photographing, I've been rather focused on getting my house in order.  It's not a job I relish or anticipate, but a necessary one and one that no one else has been doing since I left full-time homemaking for the work force.  It kind of sucks and yet it's the way of things all too often.

I always wanted my life to be a challenge, not a grind.  I wanted it to matter in some way that would make a difference for generations.  I had my heart set on missionary work, building communities, and helping those in need, a Lillian Trasher, Gladys Aylward type of life.  What a challenge that would have been and how rewarding, but as I round out my 40th year, I am more and more resigned to this treadmill simplicity, but I have to acknowledge that my nature craves a challenge still and it will supplement however it can.

This little Abbott Prairie Dress was a delightful challenge and I had a tremendous sense of accomplishment when it turned out as well as I had hoped and with only one day of working on it to boot.  But as soon as I sat back and looked at the finished work, breathed a single sigh of contentment, my mind began searching for something else to do.

I have been thinking a lot about my future and my nature lately.  I love my job, but should I add something more challenging to my weekly schedule?  I'm not sure I have the time to do more than I'm doing now.  I feel shattered at the end of each day, but rarely accomplished, which begs the question if I should be doing different instead of more. 

While I'm pondering all this and still in the middle of this spending freeze, I have been contemplating sewing projects, both the ones I could do now without buying any supplies and the ones I would like to take on in the future should funds become more flexible.

Ever since this Selkie obsession began, I've been splitting my style between this princessy vibe and my ever-admired vintage styles.  I would love to try sewing some 1940s style trousers and overalls from a vintage reproduction pattern, but that's one of those projects that would require some shopping as I currently have no proper overalls fabric or the appropriate buttons.

I guess I'll just have to stick a pin in my plans and keep busy in the meantime with cleaning, organizing, scrubbing, shelving, and all the other little tasks that fall by the wayside when there is no constant keeper of the home.

Shopping Info:  This Selkie Abbott Prairie Puff Dress dress is from Boho Chic Clothing.  It is sold out now, but you can still find it at Revolve.

Mindful Spending

I've been watching a YouTube channel with interviews of people of every sort.  Recently I watched an interview with a shopping addict.  This woman, whose name escapes me, expressed her simultaneous love of fashion and hatred for her compulsive spending.  She repeatedly stated that she felt that the things she owned had ended up owning her.  I know the feeling well.

For the past year or so, basically ever since I saw the strawberry dress, I have been really focused on only spending mindfully.  Spending mindfully is not the same level of freedom and self-control and as spending needfully, but it is a big  step in the right direction.  With our income slashed in half this month, all spending has become need-only and it's been a big relief.  Honestly, I wish I didn't have to think about any shopping of any kind for long, long while, but I guess until they invent a refrigerator that magically generates food instead of just keeping purchased food cold, I will never be totally out of the shopping game.

It is better to have a wardrobe moderately filled with high-quality, timeless pieces that coordinate well, impulse spending is an all too easy trap to fall into, especially on sites that offer cheap fast fashion pieces.  Spending mindfully means I focus on some really nice pieces, save up for them, and don't let myself get distracted by nickle-and-diming my money away on impulse buys.  

When it comes to reigning in spending, whether it has reached addiction proportions or not, there are many steps on that road and mindful spending is just one.  There is actually one that is far more important that I'd like to discuss in my next post.

Shopping Info:  Top is from Collectif, Trousers are from Princess Highway, Flats are from Harriseve

Serious Summer

Inflation is high, fuel and grocery prices are high, temperatures are high, and Mr. Bleu is out of work.  We knew the out-of-work part of this summer was coming, and we've done our best to plan for it, but with everything else being so high, we're struggling a little to make ends meet. 

You may not see how high temperatures factor in to all this, but with the summer being so hot and dry, our garden (which was one of the ways we planned coping both with the rise in food prices and the drop in income) is suffering and apart from a few tomatoes, it hasn't done anything to supplement our food supply over the past couple of months.

We're hopeful that the single income will only last a month, but things have been harder, which means no spare income for pretty dresses for the foreseeable future.  You may think this would drive me crazy, but actually I've quite enjoyed the break. 

I'm still in the process of cleaning out my extensive wardrobe which remained untrimmed for nearly a decade, and with the recent suspension of anything incoming, it's given me a chance to wear lots of things that sat on the shelf for far too long.

It's somewhat bittersweet really.  I haven't worn this strawberry dress in five years and that is a terrible shame because it is so cute and comfortable in this oppressive heat, but also because The Other Sparrows, the company which made this pretty little strawberry dress has closed its doors and gone away.

That's the way of things I suppose.  Hard times hit and sometimes we survive and sometimes we don't.  I'm not terribly worried about our month of single income and doing without a few things but it is a good reminder to appreciate the good times and prepare for the bad times.

Shopping Info:  Dress from The Other Sparrows, Flats from Harriseve

Friends over Things

There are two kinds of people in this world"  Introverts and Extroverts.  While addictions can occur no matter what kind of person you are, there are some things in this world that seem to have a magnetic grip on one personality type or the other, and when it comes to shopping addiction, it does tend to favor introverts like me.  The reason, at it's very core, it quite simply that we struggle with relationships and often turn to things-clothes, collections, cars, etc- to meet that need in our lives.  It doesn't work of course, because only relationships can fill that space, but shopping isn't the only thing that can draw us in.

Shopping Addiction is like any other addiction in that it is a way to cope with the world and all of its stressors.  There are many, many things that when done in moderation are harmless and even beneficial in providing some stress release and comfort.  It's when they take first place in your life either due to physiological responses i.e. the risk/reward effect that provide our brains with that shot of dopamine or through addictive substances that our bodies form attachments to, that it all spirals into the harmfulness that can wreak havoc in our lives.

An acquaintance of mine just got her ?th tattoo.  It wasn't interesting, it wasn't special, it wasn't something she'd thought about and wanted for a long time.  It was random and meaningless, so I asked her why she got it and she replied, "Why not?"  This may not seem like a cause for concern, except, I know what's going on behind the scenes in her life.  She's been very isolated for several months and she recently broke up with her boyfriend, isolating herself further.  So, I asked her, "are you sure you're not doing this as a way of alleviating boredom and loneliness?"

She looked down for a moment, examining her motives perhaps for the first time and replied, "So what if I am?  It's not a big deal."  No, it's not a big deal, it's just not at all a solution to her problems.  The tattoo, much like my purchase of a new dress, makes me forget my woes for a day or two and then I'm right back to where I was before only slightly poorer and so the hunt for a dress has to begin again.

The best thing to do is to break the cycle.  Isolation is the perfect setting to indulge in bad behaviors, perhaps because we're ashamed of doing these things in front of others or perhaps because being alone gives us plenty of time to obsess.  Either way, the best way to avoid temptation is be social with people who are not engaged in and do not approve of the addiction you're trying to break or the behavior you wish to abstain from.

As you can see from these photos, I have been working on cutting back on spending my buying dupes instead of the real deal, it's the nicotine gum of the shopping addiction world.  I still get to search, spend, and acquire when I my stress levels are high, but I don't have the huge financial drain like I have with designer brands.  It's a crutch, but crutches are useful things from time to time.

Personally, if I don't want to shop at all, I get out there and interact with people.  Sometimes I go to my parents' house.  They live in the country with no cell service and no internet.  It's peaceful there, they always feed me well, and we're usually too busy talking for me to think about shopping.  That's a really specific example, but really any kind of socializing will do and I definitely look forward to my tea parties with friends way more than I do dresses.  The best part of it is that when our time together is over, the positive feelings last much longer and create a desire to repeat this healthy behavior.

While I won't say that there isn't a time and a place to get away from the world and the chaos and have a little peace, moderation in all things is a necessity and too much time alone often leads down an unhealthy path.  As crazy as it sounds, it's easier for an introvert to get a tattoo, spend all their money on ball gowns than it is to go out and have lunch with an old friend or make new friends.  It's harder, but it's also healthier in the long run than acquiring more stuff.

Shopping Info:  Floral Marie Dress Dupe