I'm no fan of those conversation hearts, not since I was a child anyway, but it just wouldn't be Valentine's Day without them and so I buy them every year and make sure they find their way into whatever V-day goody box I put together for my loved one (who by the way, all love those pastel hearts).
For the longest time, I was also not a fan of conversations with loved ones. I had a tremendously hard time just saying, "I love you," let alone saying the things that come with loving someone like, "Let me help you," "I'm sorry," and the toughest of all, "Do not treat me that way." That last one may come as a surprise to some of you as a conversation had out of love, but I assure you that I have learned the hard way that when we truly love someone we don't just tell them when they got it right, we tell them when they are way out of line.
Does it really matter? Just let it go. That used to be my mantra. And I used to think that by not telling someone they had hurt me that I was showing my love for them; I wasn't. It's not love to allow people to hurt you and to behave in horrible destructive ways that make them despised by others. It's usually fear mixed with selfishness and sometimes pity. Love is tough and when you love someone it means you do the tough thing, not the easy thing.
When we allow these sorts of behaviors in children it's called "spoiling" them. And the original meaning of spoiling a child was utterly ruining them as a human being, making them a putrid, disgusting thing. Pretty awful, right? It's no different with adults. Sometimes by saying nothing, we're enabling the people we love to be awful, selfish, cruel, pathetic. What happens when people are cruel to us? We begin to hate them and others do too. Do you see what I mean when I say that it isn't really love to keep silent in these matters?
When someone is in need of correction, if we love them, we will reach out. The truth hurts, and that's why we must always tell the truth in love. Adding the love part is what makes the truth receivable. It is worth it to have the difficult conversation, tell the truth, and the sooner you address the issue the more likely you'll be able to do it in love rather than anger. It's also better to address things sooner than later because once these patterns become habits they are difficult to break and the longer these habits persist, the more difficult it is to salvage the relationship and the person.
I am thankful for the times when someone cared enough to tell me I had hurt them and gave me the chance to make it right instead of hating me, avoiding me, or letting me treat anyone else that way. I am blessed to have been told that my behavior was destructive and it would not be tolerated. It woke me up and helped me to change. And As much as I didn't want to have those tough talks, I've come to see them as the best thing in the world I can do. I address the issue right then with as much love and patience as I can muster which by the way is way more than if I wait and let my anger grow.
So, if you love someone, tell them so, often, daily if you possibly can, but don't shy away from all the other things that people who love each other should say often too: Don't act like that, Let me help you, I'm sorry, and I forgive you. They are phrases with few enough words they could probably fit on a conversation heart and yet they have the power to change lives and heal hearts.
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