Part of the Grand Plan

At the start of this year I was so excited for all the changes that were on the way.  I finished one certification program and began another which ended in May.  I left one job and was hoping start another, this one directly linked to my certifications, but there was a gap.  The job wasn't open yet, so I suddenly found myself with half the income and twice the time.  It was a gift and I intended to treasure every spare moment until the new job began.  That was February; here we are in August and that job has not opened.

At first I had so many things to accomplish at home that each day was full.  I vowed to use my time at home to be a value and a blessing to my family.  I did jobs like tearing down the pigpen that Mr. Bleu was always meaning to do but usually too tired or busy.  I decluttered and organized; I deep cleaned and home cooked.  Over the course of a few weeks to a month, my projects began to dwindle.  Could it be?  Was I finally...all caught up?  Yes, I was indeed.  I started to get bored and then a little depressed.  This temporary situation was seeming more semi-permanent.  I felt like I had wasted my time and my money on something that didn't pan out; in short, I felt like a failure.  I started berating myself for taking this risk.  Then I stopped and realized that I would have regretted Not taking the risk far more than trying and not succeeding.  Not trying at all, that's what failure really looks like.  

Coming to terms with the fact that things didn't work out as I had hoped meant I needed to rethink things and regroup.  I decided to begin to work in some time each week for journaling, and each day for walking.  I made time for getting some sunshine and having long soaks in mineral water.  I had been in high-gear for so long, why not take some quiet time in this season of less activity and live just a little slower and a little easier.  I made time to visit my parents and Mr. Bleu's.  I made time to have tea with friends.  I decided to go to actual brick and mortar stores with my mom or my girls, to enjoy the experience of shopping as a social activity.  And, life was good.

The trouble with easy living is that other people tend to want to fill that empty time.  I had people ask me to run errands for them because they were either "busy" or "working."  I had people ask me to do special projects for them for the same reasons.  And while I didn't mind helping out a friend or family member once in a while, at a certain point, I had to start setting boundaries in order to guard my time or else risk sliding right back to the fast paced, full down to the very second kind of life.  I still work out of the home and many of my days here are still rather full of work as well, so it's perfectly reasonable to turn down a few requests to be a free personal assistant for other people.

Summer rolled around, and the boss I had been hoping to start working for suddenly stopped responding to my messages.  Maybe I've been ghosted, or maybe her summer has been just as full as mine.  I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Feeling pressure from myself to carry on with the plan I made two years ago to get certified and begin working in a new field, I started to think if it was going to happen I was going to have to make it happen.  People kept asking, family members had proudly announced to people that this is what I would be doing and now I still wasn't, like at all.  So, I took it upon myself to look around and try to carry out the original plan on my own.  I was offered one job and applied for another.  Initially I went in for interviews and discussed all the options and scenarios, but while waiting to hear back, I found myself in a quiet panic as I realized I am actually really and truly very happy just doing what I am doing right now.  

One place called to say they were passing on my application, and the other graciously accepted my refusal.  I was relieved.  I still haven't heard from my would-be boss and at this point, and I find that a relief too.  Rejection is never easy, but I think it is all truly for the best, so no hard feelings toward anyone.  I like my current job and they seem to like me well enough.  It's not a job that people in my family brag about, but it pays the bills, and that's enough.  If money isn't an issue, and if I can put away my pride (I love it when my family is proud of me, but we can't have it all and I could exhaust myself trying), then I can be free to just enjoy this season in life.  I like my weekends with my family and my couple of weekdays in which I take care of all the home and farm needs.  I like cooking meals, tidying up the house, weeding the garden, and creating a place of rest and comfort for those around me creates rest and comfort in my spirit and my mind.  

I know it may sound silly, but I have had to take some time to grieve the loss of my plans; after all there were a few hopes and dreams wrapped up in there too.  I've finally made peace with the fact that that door has closed and I'm actually really grateful.  If I hadn't been pursuing that career, I would never have taken the job I have now and had this whole experience.  It's been a while since I felt like God was guiding my life.  For the past eight years or so, I've felt rather alone through it all.  For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that this all feels like part of a greater plan and I am letting go of what I thought things would be in order to embrace this moment, this season with a thankful heart.

Outfit Info:  J. Crew Top and Zara Trousers are from ThredUp, shoes are from SheIn, Jewelry is old from ModCloth

Regain the Moment

It has been so long that I can't even remember the last time it happened, but there I was, at a party and someone said the smallest thing and suddenly the party was gone.  I was lost in the memory of a traumatic event and starting to panic.  I'm not sure how long I was in that place, it felt like several minutes, but was probably only a few seconds, then I said four words to myself, the same four words I always say when I begin guided imagery.  Those words draw me into a space, a moment in time that I have created to be safe and calming.  Like a pinch in a dream, it startled me just enough that the traumatic memory lost its hold for just a moment so that I could find a way out.  I said the next four words as I mentally entered the safe space I've created through guided imagery.  The trauma was fading, so I continued on and stayed in that space in that moment until I felt calm and could return to the present.

It is an expected part of coping with trauma that you will be fine one moment and spiraling down a flashback the  next.  Triggers for flashbacks can occur at any time and often from unexpected things like a smell, a phrase or a sound.  The goal of course, is to heal from trauma, to move beyond it so that it no longer dominates any of your time, but the process can be lengthy and while it is ongoing, there are a number of techniques that have been tested and proven helpful in dealing with flashbacks, but in this post I want to discuss one in particular that I have found helpful, Guided Imagery/Safe Space.  If you had told me about this technique 20 years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and audibly scoffed.  But, in the middle of my grief when I was desperate for any relief from the hellish trauma that I was constantly reliving, this actually helped.

The human mind relies on fantasy and imagination to help us cope on a daily basis with the stressful world around us.  Since mind and body are so closely linked, if you were to imagine yourself in dangerous situation your body would respond with elevated breathing and heartrate but unless real danger were present, for most people all they need to do is stop imagining in order to stop the physiological response.  Trauma is different because it is or at one time was based in reality and so the brain becomes stuck in that moment as though it were happening again.  Working through the trauma is the long game, but getting through that moment is the short game here.  By that same measure, if you imagine yourself in a peaceful meadow on a beautiful day, the body and mind immediately slow breathing and heartrate and being to relax.  Guided Imagery simply employs the imagination to create a place of retreat when traumatic memories are threatening to overwhelm you.

Personally, I began to use this technique when I was calm and already felt safe.  Waiting until you're in the middle of a flashback is unwise.  I decided in advance what my safe space would be and then I began with a phrase, for example: I am walking in a meadow.  Then I would picture the meadow, noticing the sky and the feeling of the sunshine, details like the way the wind bends down the waist high grasses.  Then I would continue: it's a beautiful day.  Now perhaps bending down to pick a flower and closely admire the petals or the smell.   This might be enough to bring me out of the painful memories and back to the present, but if it's not then I continue with another sentence or two and more attention to details.  In this moment, I am not watching myself, it happens in first person perspective as a real memory would.

Because this moment was planned in a time of calm and then practiced over and over, it has become easier to find my way back even if it's been a while since I've needed it.  I won't say that the moment passed unnoticed, since the person standing next to me evidentially noticed something and asked if I was ok, but I was able to lift my head up, say yes, and at least give the appearance of listening to them talk even though I was mentally taking another minute or two to focus.  I eventually was able to get through it and enjoy the rest of the party thanks to guided imagery.  Is it a perfect solution?  No, I don't think such a thing exists.  Is it very helpful when there is no other help?  You bet.   No one wants to stay trapped in the trauma of their past, so although some methods may seem silly, it's worth it to at least try different avenues to healing in the hopes that some will be effective and help us to finally leave the pain behind and move into the life we want for ourselves. 

For more reading on the psychological and physiological effects and treatments for trauma, I recommend The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

Changing Styles

I remember watching one of my favorite fashionistas change her style over the decades and feeling a little sad that it changed.  It seemed that for the longest time she wore cute dresses and skirts that I wished were part of my own wardrobe.  Then, at around 50, her style shifted to more trousers and blazers.  She commented on it saying that dresses suddenly weren't as comfortable as they had been in a previous stage of her life.  While I listened with remorse, I could also totally understand the need for a change in uniform as one's role in life changes.

The baby years were spent in graphic tees, cargo jeans, slip-on sneakers, and the occasional cotton sundress, and the considerations for buying my clothes back then were basically what will fit my ever changing body and what do I not mind getting baby drool and spit-up on? That was pretty much it, and it served me well during those busy, sleep deprived years.

My children became more self-sufficient, and as I waived goodbye to my twenties, I also waved goodbye to all those jeans and tees.  I was finally able to upgrade to my beloved vintage dress + cardigan style and spend a little time learning to do my make-up and hair.  Yes, during the baby years, I never colored my hair, rarely styled it, and wore very minimal make-up, but I was young and I got by.  In my 30s, it was suddenly harder to coast with the beginnings of wrinkles and an ever-growing streak of gray hair.

 

Now that I've bid my 30s adieu as well I can feel the fashion shift beginning again.  With work demanding a large portion of my time and my home life demanding much less, I find myself reaching for trousers more and more often and dresses less and less.

I don't know why exactly, my work hasn't changed, but my style is, and while a few years ago I would have relished a big shopping spree to overhaul my wardrobe, it's not something I look forward to anymore.  At times like this, it's nice to have a few staples that will grow with my style as it changes

Nothing says timeless classic quite like a pair of black ballet flats.  These flats from Harriseve are flexible, breathable, and so easy to slip-on and go.  Plus, they go with everything, so no matter what I feel like wearing on any given day, these shoes will go with it.  Change is never easy, but having a few reliable things in life certainly makes it easier.

Shopping Info:  Top from Shein, Trousers from Collectif, Flats from Harriseve Now through August 27th get these flats for $18.49

Mindful Spending

I've been watching a YouTube channel with interviews of people of every sort.  Recently I watched an interview with a shopping addict.  This woman, whose name escapes me, expressed her simultaneous love of fashion and hatred for her compulsive spending.  She repeatedly stated that she felt that the things she owned had ended up owning her.  I know the feeling well.

For the past year or so, basically ever since I saw the strawberry dress, I have been really focused on only spending mindfully.  Spending mindfully is not the same level of freedom and self-control and as spending needfully, but it is a big  step in the right direction.  With our income slashed in half this month, all spending has become need-only and it's been a big relief.  Honestly, I wish I didn't have to think about any shopping of any kind for long, long while, but I guess until they invent a refrigerator that magically generates food instead of just keeping purchased food cold, I will never be totally out of the shopping game.

It is better to have a wardrobe moderately filled with high-quality, timeless pieces that coordinate well, impulse spending is an all too easy trap to fall into, especially on sites that offer cheap fast fashion pieces.  Spending mindfully means I focus on some really nice pieces, save up for them, and don't let myself get distracted by nickle-and-diming my money away on impulse buys.  

When it comes to reigning in spending, whether it has reached addiction proportions or not, there are many steps on that road and mindful spending is just one.  There is actually one that is far more important that I'd like to discuss in my next post.

Shopping Info:  Top is from Collectif, Trousers are from Princess Highway, Flats are from Harriseve

Empress Academia

A blog is more than just a way for me to share outfits, it's a keepsake of sorts.  I look back over the years of my life and see so many changes recorded here: laughter and tears, failures and triumphs, beauty and ashes, and of course, I can see the evolution of my own personal style journey.  I started this blog just as I was starting to discover my style.  

For most of my life I wore, not what I loved, not what looked best on me, but what was easiest and easiest to hide in.  Mostly I did this because I was afraid to look nice because I thought I wasn't pretty enough, special enough, and just generally not worthy of looking good and feeling good about myself.  After all, no one else ever thought I was special or worthy, so why would I think so about myself?  Then something changed.

After my children arrived I spent years pouring myself out in educating them and caring for their every need.  In loving my children I learned what true love is and I began to see the world in a different light.  If I wanted the best for them because I loved them, then didn't the people who loved me feel the same way about me?  If I wanted them to be confident and see how wonderful they were, shouldn't I be modeling confidence and self-worth for them?  Suddenly I had to get serious about my self-talk and turn it all around if to set the right example.

So, after a lifetime of insecurity and negativity, I decided to take as much care of myself as I wanted my children to take care of themselves.  Physical fitness and nutrition, creating a social life, and yes, getting a personal style were all a part of being the kind role model I wanted my girls to have.  The fitness part was pretty straight forward, the social stuff has gotten easier over the years, but I still struggle, and when it came to fashion I was lost without a map for the first few years at least.  But, with patience and persistence, I can now safely say that not only do I love my style, I am totally comfortable with its versatility, flexibility, and its constant evolution.

Since there are so many facets to my style, from twee dresses and cardigans, to vintage victory rolls and swing skirts, to this academia style outfit, I don't like to be locked down in one category.  That's why I love versatile accessories that can go with fashion flow of however I'm feeling on a particular day like these Square Toe Flats from Empress.

With fantastic arch support and a square shape for maximum comfort, these buttery leather Mary Jane flats are both dapper and delightful.  Their easy slip-on design means I can grab them and dash out the door looking polished.  Plus, this classic design means they are incredibly adaptable to all my favorite style trends.  Don't believe me?  Check out my next post and I'll prove it.

Shopping Info: Square Toe Flats $110 from empressaustralia.com

A Stroke of Luck

After I bought the Selkie Inspired Dress from J.ING, I went back to the site and left a review and a few photos of the dress.  As luck would have it my photos were selected by J.ING to use on their site and they gave me a $100 gift card as a prize!  

I've been blogging a long time and I know that may make it seem like I was in cahoots with this company but I'm not.  Actually anyone that shops at J.ING can leave a review and post their photos and enter for a chance to win a gift card, so I encourage you to at least give it a try because you never know.

I used my gift card to buy these high waist paper bag trousers and a couple of dresses.  I love the trousers; I've been wearing them to work a lot ever since I got them.  I'll post the rest of my J.ING haul over the next few weeks and *spoiler* I am loving everything I've got from there so far.

Shopping Info:  Grey Trousers from J.ING, Top from Thredup

The Journey Begins With a Single Step

It's all too common to say to someone just starting out, "You can do it; it'll all be ok in the end."  But when you're that person, life in ruins, cloud castle burnt to ashes and heart shattered to bits too small to reassemble, even one step on the road to recovery feels insurmountable let alone the millions it may take to get back to some semblance of normal.  If that's you, if you're standing at the beginning of this long journey, then just know that I and many others have been where you are and the best thing you can do right now is to take that step anyway.

A lot of well meaning people will try to encourage you with words of hope.  They'll say things like, "it's going to get better, you'll see."  Those words are so hollow in the aftermath of trauma, they may as well be saying, "after my pet pig prepares us an excellent chocolate soufflé, we'll hop on his back and fly to the moon for a little swimming and sunbathing."  In those moments, that probably sounds more plausible than, "you're going to be ok."

I won't promise you any of that.  I won't tell you it will all be Ok.  Not because it won't be ok in the end, but because "the end" is irrelevant to right now.  

My advice, as I look back on my own journey, still so fresh and raw and not nearly over, is that you only have today.  Don't look at five years from now, one year from now, don't even look at next week.  Just focus on today, on this step that you must take right now, and nothing more.  Don't think about building more castles in the sky, just focus on getting up out of the ashes of this one.

I've been on this road for nearly five years and I can finally look back and see how far I've come, but it took so many steps before I could even do that.  And there were so many days that I cried to my councilor and said, "I don't think I can do this and I don't think this is working."  In her wisdom drawn from her own experience she looked me in the eyes, put her hand on mine and said, "I know.  But, do it anyway."

So, I did.  Not just because she said so, but because what was the alternative?  I could keep going and maybe fail or I could stop right where I was and guarantee failure and that I would never heal.  The choice was simple.  Stand up and keep walking.

One day at a time.  One step at a time.  It doesn't sound like much, but it doesn't need to be at first.  It's enough to just have today and let tomorrow and all the steps that will come take care of themselves while you take care of you.

Shopping Info: Top, trousers, and brooch from: SHEIN

Leather Trousers

 

Today's the last day of FemmeLuxe week and I am sad to see it end for the month, but I will be back with more trendy lovelies to try from FemmeLuxe next month. But, let's not think about that right now. For now let's just focus on this edgy outfit. I love FemmeLuxe's Trousers. They always make me feel chic and they're comfortable and form flattering. It's been quite a while since I have tried something new from FemmeLuxe's Trousers collection though. So, since the temperatures are dropping and Halloween is the season of all things edgy I thought this month would be the perfect time try a little something in faux leather.

I've been eyeing FemmeLuxe's vinyl trousers for ages, but this time I decided to go for it. When you think “leather pants” what springs to mind? For me terms like “rock star” and “super model” are the first things I think of and I do not think I am in the minority in that respect. The idea of leather leggings certainly does not conjure images of being at the office—an that's precisely why I decided to challenge myself to create a wear – to- work style with these BlackHigh Waisted Skinny PU Trousers – Skylar.

Ok, who remembers that episode of Friends where Ross wears leather pants and gets sweaty, takes them off and then can't get them back on all while on a date at a woman's apartment. If you don't remember it, you should know there were disastrous consequences. But, you should also know that that was just a humorous television show and I can't imagine that ever happening in real life. These Black High Waisted Skinny PU Trousers– Skylar are quite comfortable and nothing even remotely Ross-like occurred when I wore them. The Skylar trousers have an elastic waist and are made of a stretchy PU that was very easy to get on and off and moved with me throughout the day.

To make this an office appropriate outfit, I styled these trousers with a hounds tooth pussy bow blouse in black and white print. I also wore some low black heels in the same matte leather. I can't exactly explain my reasoning behind this choice. The best I can do is to imagine leather trousers with a shiny leather shoe there's something about it that just seems too much. It might sound strange to say it, but you don't want too many different leathers in your outfit—you're not a french fur trader in the 1600s all bedecked in various skins, right? Pick one and stick with it. Does that make sense? I hope so, it's the best I can do by way of an explanation. Moving on.

From here, I do think you need a finishing touch in the form of a jacket or blazer. A cardigan will do in a pinch and if you absolutely have no other options, but if at all possible it really should be a blazer in my opinion. I opted for a bright yellow blazer, fitted and not too long. A blazer that is too long will swallow you up and make you look frumpy. And, last but not least, the jewelry. It's quite simple—pearls, always pearls. I kept it simple with pearl studs.

I would recommend when wearing the Skylar Trousers that you opt for either a bodysuit or a blouse without too much length. You may be able to see a bit of bunching at the front of this outfit when I did a front tuck on the blouse. The longer the blouse the more you have to try to tuck and with a skinny trousers like this you can't hide a lot of bulk, so it's better not to even have it to deal with. For my next outfit with these trousers, I think I'll try a slim fit black mock turtle neck that ends at the waist.

With an edgy item like leather trousers, you can take the look many ways. Wear them with a crop tee for a casual-chic look. Wear them with a sexy bustier for going dancing, or my favorite, pair them with a cotton or linen puffy Victorian style peplum blouse for a blend of modern and classic sophistication. Lots of directions to take PU trousers and I can't wait to go out a photograph a few more looks to show you here on the blog.

Shopping Info: BlackHigh Waisted Skinny Pu Trousers – Skylar from FemmeLuxe.co.uk