Listen and Be Heard

I'm a listener. I don't care much for talking. Writing is something entirely different which is why I have a blog. I enjoy writing very much because it helps me to organize my thoughts and feel connected to others. Talking on the other hand makes me feel anxious and isolated, freakish even especially with people I don't know very well.  I'm learning to get over it, but it's a long road.  Not everyone feels that way. In fact, I find that most people out there want a safe place to not just talk but to be heard.

There is so much noise in the world; do you hear it? Always something talking, singing, explaining, pontificating in our ears: the news, television shows, movies, music, friends, family, co-workers, social media. With everyone talking, who is listening? Are you?  

Every week he comes by for a chat. He's 85 years old and he has lived an amazing life. A scientist, a television producer, a farmer, a truck driver, a devoted father and husband. I love listening to him tell stories of his life. Lately, though I have noticed that he's telling me the same story each time. It's the one that must have affected him the most. It's the story of the day his first wife left him. She told him he was a good husband, father, and provider, she simply didn't love him anymore and was leaving him for another man. He was caught completely off guard and totally shattered. Even now, 50 years and a second, very happy marriage later, this event has left a deep scar. He tells me how she broke the news while standing on his doorstep, suitcase in hand, and how he shambled inside numb and hollow to call a friend. His friend asked him one question, “what's the most important thing to you?” He replied, “my children. I want custody of my children.” “Ok, his friend said, “then that's what we'll go for.” 

At a time when fathers rarely gained full custody of their children, he fought for his and won. He remains close to his sons, traveling to visit each other often and calling each other weekly. And yet, that day of rejection, that time of grief continues to be at the forefront of his mind. He tells me he knows his time left here on earth is short and he wants to leave this world “on the right side of things” not in anger or in bitterness. And so I let him talk. I don't interrupt—especially not with unsolicited advice beginning with You know what you should have done—or ever say, “You told me this one already.” That's how you listen.  And my octogenerian friend, like so many others not only needs to be heard, he has a lot to offer with stories of his life experience.  And so do you.  So, how can you be heard?

In my own life I find that the people who claim to be closest to me and to love me, don't often want to hear what I have to say. Spouses, children, parents, they just want me to be there for them, to be strong for them, to not have any problems for them. They haven't the time or the interest in listening. If you happen to have family who will listen without judgement, giving you their full attention with no glazed eyes that gradually drift back to the television, that is wonderful. Be thankful for them!  But, if you haven't that's where friends, real friends, come in. I have at this moment two—TWO! How amazing is that!—friends who actually listen when I talk. To find one such person was a gift, but to find two is a blessing beyond measure. They don't try to solve my problems unless I ask for help, they just hear me and support me. And I do the same for them.

As the wise man often says, “I want to leave this world on the right side of things,” but I would take it a step farther and say I want to live in this world on the right side of things. No bitterness, no unforgiveness, no rejection and hurt stuffed down to ignore in my youth and pace the floors at 2:00 a.m. tormented by in my later years. I don't want that awful feeling for anyone, that's why I listen and that's why I am thankful that I have people who hear me too.  

If you don't have anyone in your life who you feel you can really talk to, it's time to reach out. There are two places to start. You can start by being a good listener for someone else and build a strong relationship of trust and support over time. You can also jump the line and find a support group that will allow you to talk freely, but I would encourage you to find individuals within that group with whom you can build a personal relationship. Care for others as you wish to be cared for. Reach out, open up and let others get to know the real.  Let them love you. Take the time to listen and don't be afraid to be heard.

Shopping info: Freshwater Pearl Earrings from Natuloth, Trousers from FemmeLuxe, Top from: SHEIN, Ivanka Trump Heels from Thredup Use my link to save $10 off your first purchase.