Quiet Your Chaos

Are you Ok being alone with yourself? How about alone with your thoughts? Some people find it terrifying; some people find it supremely comforting. I used to fall into the latter category. I relished my time alone; it was necessary for me to recharge, sort out the world and feel ready to face whatever challenges came next.  Without it, I was kind of a bear to be around—well maybe more like a grizzly bear who's had a lean summer followed by a long winter. You know what I mean, they're ready to rip apart the next living thing that crosses their paths. That was me if I didn't get a little time to myself. Then something changed. 

Life threw me way more than I could handle and suddenly my time alone was a torment rather than a respite. Being alone was terrifying and I found lots of ways to to fill the time. I worked extra hours, I tagged along to places even when I wasn't invited, I spent more time with family and friends than I ever have before. I just couldn't face the thoughts waiting for me in the silence.

Do you know how it feels to find yourself with a moment away from the chaos and then to be bombarded with painful memories and hard truths that you haven't had to think about much when life is moving by so quickly your head rarely stops spinning? What do you do when confronted by wounds you've tried to ignore?

A couple of months ago I had my first day alone in years. And, it went really well. I was productive in getting chores done around the house. I made time for rest, a chapter from a new book, t.v. show or two, and there may have been cookies that had been hidden from my family lest they devour them all without pausing to taste them instead of slowly savoring them as they are meant to be enjoyed over the course of an entire week.

I kept expecting the fear to set in, that at any moment all those dark thoughts would rush in and depression would come crashing down on me leaving me a sobbing heap in the floor. I had a moment or two where I felt that fear lingering at the edge of my mind, but for the first time, I was able to shake it off, to put it away and return to enjoying my quiet time again. 

I've missed this. I've needed this. I've missed this part of the old me and I'm glad that it's back in any capacity. I may not be able to go days with seeing another soul like I did in my younger years, but I'm not sure that was a healthy way to live anyway. Whereas after this victory with alone time, I know I am getting healthier in my emotions again. It's been a herculean battle to get to this quiet place, but it was worth every second of struggle to be back here again, and you can get there too.

I believe we all need the quiet, it is rest for our hearts and minds from a wearisome world. But in order to find that rest, you have to begin with the chaos inside you. Do the work. Untangle your knots. Learn to be alone with you. And find the rest you need.

Shopping Info: Charter School Cotton Cardigan by ModCloth, Toucan Dress is from The OtherSparrows, Flats from Charlotte Russe, Book from a very dear friend is by Anne McCaffrey.